-
From Now, To Then...
From Now
Slightly drizzling, the clouds part and reveal intense, orange, Sun rays-
On this glum day, as if saying, ‘ the concrete’s worthy of the sun’s praise’...
I Inhale, and the blunts haze circle my once dazed mind, as I hit the lye
And I notice a collected puddle reflecting the hues of a conflicted sky
Then the twisted cry of traffic gets my eye and I focus on a battered van
When Out steps a tattered man, in the cold grey streets with a gat at hand
...His clothes are beaten and shine of wet blood, rinsed in the rain’s past
And the stains clasp on his frame...*Gasp* then he raises the gun and freezes
Now, in his cloudy eyes, I see this speechless deepness, that needs this-
Blood spill to reach his complete bliss...But no!...I see there’s more to it!
When he screams “I have to do it” , aims at a car and shoots through it...
The car spews it’s glass into the air as the bullets inter the window...
The fragments of glass almost float as the wind blows and I become in-tranced
Because I see the worlds visuals enhanced, as the glass seems to dance...
They reflect everything from the sky, to traffic, to a far away river
Then a large piece of glass hits the sun at an angle...
...and I see the man bite his barrel and pull the trigger
To Then
Blood covers my garments, outside my apartment
And my heat’s bent, because I know I sparked this
With my, almost, heartless chase for street fame...
...But who knew, I’d loose her when the heat came?
Her blood covers me, and nothing soothes these pains
And with a slight drizzle coming down, I remain-
On my front, where she died...until I see an old van
Out steps an old man, reaching for my cold hand
“doesn’t look good, huh”, he said as he pulled me up
Then I felt adrenaline, and noticed the man freeze up
*blackout*
Next thing I know, I’m driving a vehicle in traffic
When I notice Ali, so I grab my concealed mattic
He killed my girl, so I have plans to shoot it.....
....I hesitate.......awww fuck!........“I have to do it!”
...When I’m done shooting, the guys face changes with my vantage
*cries*...it wasn’t even Ali.....*bites gun* I’ve done enough damage
*BANG!*
News reporter: It seems that the dead man in the back of the van involved in today’s brutal murder suicide was an innocent car jacking victim. The old man, Randy James, is survived by his loving wife, three children, and ten grandchildren.
-
-
wow that shyt is crazy hot....nice i can imagine all dat shyt and u chilling and smokin and shyt....good drop...ending is the ill shyt...
-
Damn thats a lot of links lol you only need 2 :rolleyes:
But yeah this was a real nice read...really enjoyed this....should probably be nominated for the top10 atleast...nice imagery in this, felt like i could see what you were saying....nice drop.
-
the imagery you portrayed on this piece was exquisite and the story telling was very well put and stayed on point. your use of multis kept the flow steady. transition between rhymes was very smooth. the only thing that could have been upped on this is the vocab. i like how you went to the news reporter at the end. creative and impacting way to close it .
favorite line(s) - Now, in his cloudy eyes, I see this speechless deepness, that needs this-
Blood spill to reach his complete bliss...
great read
-
i like you flowed very good
the story was deep, good mutlies, vocab
keep at it youll get even better.
7/10
-
-
basically man ive got to agree, your strong point seems to be building a picture with immagery and well organised wording.... but i dont think its OM of the month quality... sorry man.... close,,, dont get me wrong i liked it... and your concept was good, jus thought some was a bit choppy, the scheme that is..... but interesting read in all.... keep it up
-
This was okay...I can see that you are getting better and you are having more sucess as Arch...Lmao....Keep up the good work... peace..
-
Make it simple..good imagry yoo create...
Follow along with the topic a little more..
And find a different topic..
But..nice piece in all..wish i could write more..
But i'm having trouble seeing..
-
hot shit..............lyked tha multi's , format was nyce, bars were consistent, not many breaks............but could be seen as too long, lyked how you went from present to past back to present, tha news report could have been betta, but overall............really lyked tha drop, good ish..........stay real, peace, 1
-
-
Wow my good man im really impressed!!! This piece was probably the best ive read from you...
The Imagery in this was very well done...props on that...Your flow was good as well and everything else just seemed to fall into place. Good job my man.
Keep them coming and keep droppin....Pz...
:thumbup:
Slightly drizzling, the clouds part and reveal intense, orange, Sun rays-
On this glum day, as if saying, ‘ the concrete’s worthy of the sun’s praise’...
I Inhale, and the blunts haze circle my once dazed mind, as I hit the lye
^^^^^^^^That just flowed so smoothly, excellent^^^^^^^^
-
Ahh.. So your W1CKED.. Lol.. Learn something everyday..
Best part was the imagery..
Vocabulary was iight..
Wasnt your best piece..
Wasnt bad though..
Keep it up..
Pz..
-
-
Damn...I replied to over 20 joints. Can I please get some feedback?...
-
Quit sleeping...
And why don't people return the favor?
-
Free up.. From me to you.. For being so slept on..
-
-
Guess I'll kick this in the ass
-
returing the favor.
Ok to the piece, this was a dope.
Great imagery,multi's,structure, concept.
all in all this piece was exquisite(as said above :P)
it was really dope. and I look forward to seeing more of your works:
Feedback please ;):
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?p=1262941
-
chea, wasn't ur best piece but dam straight it was ill.
I probably am way off on the message i got lol...but the one I did get was pretty cool.
Kinda of like...sometimes our conscience is so influenced by hate, that it often confuses what is right...and what is wrong.
"Slightly drizzling, the clouds part and reveal intense, orange, Sun rays-
On this glum day, as if saying, ‘ the concrete’s worthy of the sun’s praise’...
I Inhale, and the blunts haze circle my once dazed mind, as I hit the lye
And I notice a collected puddle reflecting the hues of a conflicted sky"
^perfect lead-up for this piece. Leaves the reader puzzled the first time you hear it...but when you finish the piece, you see the foreshadowing.
Don't worry about OM of the month...shit is a popularity contest. You know it was dope...and we all do too. Keep up the good work arch.
