Where'd You Go..

[Freeman]

It happened.. Erm.. Im sorry but I cant remember when
But it was the day I lost the touch of your special mommy skin
We used to build castles from sand.. Buy sweets from ice cream stands
I'll always remember how the sand used to rough up your slender hands
I feel deprived.. Left out.. Honestly I feel like a fool
How come all the other kids mommies come and pick them up from school
I stay quiet and dont moan.. Your on holiday but you cant even phone
Ive got people all around me but I still feel that im on my own
Where have you gone.. Why wont anyone listen to what im saying
Everytime they try to speak they just ask why im not outside playing
Everyone is shutting me out.. It makes me want to scream and shout
They wont tell me anything cuz im still refered to as the "little sprout"
Daddy has been so lonely.. He doesnt want to play ball with me
This year at Christmas there where no presents under our Christmas tree
All he does is sit there.. Never speaks.. Just stares at the floor
Why doesnt he love me any more.. He doesnt even move when people are at the door
Mommy.. I miss your touch.. The way you kissed me on the head at night
The way that you looked out for me and always knew what was right
Since you went away.. On holiday.. Thats what they tell me
No one can get near me.. Its just as though they repel me
Other people have disasters.. Like enduring fire or a bomb
But to me that doesnt matter...
... Because I only want my mom

['PercepTion']

--[Flow]---
I liked your rhyme scheme here...you had some nice internals and your own personal structure really helped the piece all fit together...In some bits it came across as a bit basic, but basic at first glance and depthful at second.

--[Vocab]--
Vocab was a little underused, compared to what i've already seen, but the vocab that was used wasn't line fillers it was well thought out and helped me to understand the piece more...it helped me interact, liekd this line th0..:

"Where have you gone.. Why wont anyone listen to what im saying
Everytime they try to speak they just ask why im not outside playing"

--[Concept]--
Liked the concept behind this...it was genuwine..none of this "I wanna kill you, mom" shit that floats about..you had some dope imagry in here...you really helped me to paint the picture of what you were describing in my head...was certainly the best aspect of this piece..


--[Overall]--
Had alot of emotion and heartfelt imagry put into it...flow was i said was a little simplistic (alothough better than alotta shit that goes on around here)...and the vocab was slightly underrused, but it was a good piece imagry wise....3.8/5 - could have been so much more th0.

[Freeman]

Thanks for the feedback..

Links..

#1
#2

Upping..

Pz..

[f-gee]

im on the same wagon as rhythmic here
i liked the flow actually...really apt for the piece
the content though just seemed a bit generic in nature
ive seen similar stuff written before
its a subject you should really make your own...cos if u dont someone else has written it before kinda thing
still had some emotive language which engaged me and i could relate to the boybut it wasnt quite personal enough
just my thoughts...good otherwise

fin

[ELEMENCE]

This was aight free....Ive seen way better from you *cough* The Sky *cough*...It seemed pretty good though. Your imagery as always is there...good job there...The topic to me seemed bleh....i guess...but all in all good job....everything else was well done...cmon free wake up i seen you do 10 times better!!!

Check out my latest piece...Its my first drop as ELEMENCE (my new style)....Thanks brah...

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...58#post1250458

[Chris Black]

Flow was really nice, and easy to follow. Emotions were good, and emegery was cool in some spots. A little more simplistic than your usual stuff, but it was still a decent drop. Keep doin' you.

Please drop feedback here:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...17#post1246817

[Antonio Banderas]

--[Flow]---
I liked your rhyme scheme here...you had some nice internals and your own personal structure really helped the piece all fit together...In some bits it came across as a bit basic, but basic at first glance and depthful at second.

I agree^^^^

--[Vocab]--
Vocab was a little underused, compared to what i've already seen, but the vocab that was used wasn't line fillers it was well thought out and helped me to understand the piece more...it helped me interact, liekd this line th0..:

I disagree^^^ I think you used the appropiate vocab for this piece because this almost feels like a personal piece about a family member. Bigger vocab may take alway from the essential flow that you already maintained.

Overall, I think you did a great job with rhyming the words & still keeping the poetic fell of the verse. I rate this a 7.2/10.

Keep up the good work dogg....

[Freeman]

Thanks for the feedback..

Up.. :P..

[$carface]

dis was a decent drop couldnt complain much....
seen similar topics like dis in the past so it wasnt distinctive to me...
flow and structure was nearly flawless...
vocab was decent but coulda been betta...
but good drop...

[Endeva.]

another decent drop freeman.... not your best, but not your worst.... i know your gonna be sick of hearing it, but i thought it was a bit simple in some ways, but you managed to keep it going with the flow and some emotion, you put in to it.... im in a lazy mood so aint gonna say no more..lol.... except i like the way you seem to be putting more immagery in these days, well i think so, ...all in all worth reading.... ACTUALLY, NO, IT WAS GARBAGE....lmao...j/k.....

[Freeman]

Thanks, hoe.. ..

[SMZ]

Flow was on point with a few exceptions, thought this needed to be shortened a little:
"Your on holiday but you cant even phone"
Pretty good job with the imagery but didn't feel the emotion as much as I normally do with your stuff. One thing I was wondering about was that you never said why the mom was gone - other than "on holiday" - was this purposeful? Keep dropping - hit my Mag collab on the media.

[Freeman]

Uppin for BTK..

[Ron B. Vicious]

well allow me to respond at the start i don't think you should've put 'mommy skin' put another adjective heavenly or something, i don't know why but i think it would've sounded better this was a nice piece all in all i enjoyed reading it, like Devy Dev said this wasn't your best work, but it wasn't your worse. Keep dropping

[Born To Kill]

My young friend...

Very moving piece, sort of angers me in a way...

Cuz, I'm like, Why the hell didn't I get to feel like that about my mom?

And I've seen alot of you guys script shit that apologizes to mom or that's in memory of mom, or that's dedicated to mom.

Well...

My mom went from insane, to insanely abusive, to dead.

So, I was never able to love her and I find the emotions and activities you describe with her to be completely foreign.

But, I can appreciate what ya saying and I can definately vibe with the way you laid it out.

Great imagery (especially the "dad won't even answer the door" line), great emotion, flow was on point, I found the stretched lines slowed it down in some places, but never hurt it.

I felt you could have beefed up your vocab some...
But, really, for a piece like this...
Bullshit like, incandescent lakes of bitterness shimmer with longing...
Just wouldn't have fit to describe your eyes, for instance...
Ya talking about mom, it can only get so deep and complex...
Anything further would be creepy.

I'd give this a solid 9 outta 10, my friend.

Excellent work, man.