Societies Obiturary

[DrunknMonkey]

Memory Glands Being Devoured By Your Daily Routine
Burning Away As If The Blunt Wrap Were Your Years Perhaps Teens
Entrapped In Societies Ways As You Astray From Ya True Purpose
Thinking Otherwise And Not Knowing Truely What Lies Beneath The Surface
Not Noticing The Difference Between Want And Need
As You Feed Into The Materialism And The Greed
Barred Are Your Thought's Of Producitivity,
Riviting Your Waves
As Your Head Sways Side To Side
Only For What You Bobb Too To Be Oblidged
Somewhat Of A Hesitation In The Advancement
Of This Self-proclaimed Bling-bling Generation
Unprepared For Lifes Complications
Way Before They Emancipated The Proclamation
Or Threatened To Clean Up Immagration
Life's Situation's Could Make You Grow Impatient
But Patience Is A Virtue
Yet This Is Only A Test From God
Unintended To Hurt You
However,
You Yourself Can Only Determine Thee Amount Of Intake
Necessary To Break
This Mindstate
Of Letting Money Make The Man
And Not The Man Make
^^^^^^


I need help ...... It seems as though my style doesn't fit any particular structure....and if i structure it how i want it......then it doesn't look appealing to the reader...

Crew 's I Rep
_____________
D.O.P.E.

[DrunknMonkey]

LINK 1
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=292459

[DrunknMonkey]

LINK 2
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=292737

[Sublyminole]

As Your Head Sways Side To Side
Only For What You Bobb Too To Be Oblidged
Somewhat Of A Hesitation In The Advancement
Of This Self-proclaimed Bling-bling Generation
Unprepared For Lifes Complications
Way Before They Emancipated The Proclamation
Or Threatened To Clean Up Immagration
Life's Situation's Could Make You Grow Impatient

My favorite lines
Very nice werdplay...somwhat of imagery....U have hella vocab....Just work on structure..it was a bit thrown 2gether....8/10

[DrunknMonkey]

Good look ...I have to work on my structure...cause when i write i just let the pen flow ya know .... I really don't try and make it look presentible cause I just go and put it on wax ya know ... but since I joine this cite I've been trying to come up with a structure that fits my style..... Thankx for the feed thou appre....d

[Data-Ntry]

This piece was good....I liked the up-to-date topic and the usage of inhanced vocabulary....the imagery could've been better but for what it's worth it contained just enough to make this piece flow well..and provide the reader with somewhat of a visual aspect...Good Shit thou fam .....Keep At It...

You Yourself Can Only Determine Thee Amount Of Intake
Necessary To Break
This Mindstate
Of Letting Money Make The Man
And Not The Man Make
^^^HOTTEST LINES

[Evolve]

Yes your structure does need some help. A quick tip i can give you is try to match the sylabols in each line as close as you can to keep the flow on point

[DrunknMonkey]

Ya'll sleeping on this piece....AWAKE!!!

[-IsIs-]

yo. i liked this piece man. but the structure was way the hell off ahah. thats not a big problem. if you have audio in mind its ok to have it jumbled. but if your keepin it in text it needs to have some stability. just try to keep the lines even is all i can say. use commas when you take a breath, and thats usually when i make a new line.
but anyway the flow was dope wit this. i liked the topic real original style man. for real. overall ill give you a 7.5/10 for the topic and flow and descriptions.

-Peace

[DrunknMonkey]

Good look Isis ...... I really having a hard time wit this structure shit......I guess I'll have to take my time on the next one so that I can eliminate any un needed words that make my lines all drawn out & shit... But expect something better on the next one structure and elevation wise....

[DrunknMonkey]

*HE SNORES*
*Awake's in total shock*
*Still no Responses*
*Damn*

[DrunknMonkey]

*HE SNORES*
*Awake's in total shock*
*Still no Responses*
*Damn*

*Again he does the same*

[DrunknMonkey]

*HE SNORES*
*Awake's in total shock*
*Still no Responses*
*Damn*

*Again he does the same*

[DrunknMonkey]

*HE SNORES*
*Awake's in total shock*
*Still no Responses*
*Damn*

"Yet still waters run deep"

[Witty]

the only thing that stopped this peice from being very good was the strucutre,It made the flow choppy,but you had very nice vocab in this and your imagery was also very good,I liked this peice it was quite good and with a bit of structure work you could have an even better peice. you have an obvious flare for writing,nice job....keep at it.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=293589
^return the favour with extensive feed