The World As I See It #100

[Nique.]

This is a collab, but he hasn't sent his shit yet.

It seems that you have established your presence,
Then dreams are simply shattered in a matter of seconds.
And we stagger with baggage trying to handle the leverage,
Crafting the essence of living as we try to fathom impressions.
The laughter is deadened through all of the pain and the sorrow,
Working up sweat for today so you can make a name for tomorrow.
Then hating to swallow the fact that you're battling serpents,
Living in the past cuz it has overshadowed the current.
We mishandle the urgent and ignore what is needed,
Forcing solutions when we aren't exploring the reasons.
Toying and teasing with life, resorting to violence,
All the kids having potential, but a portion's misguided.
Abortion has heightened and we've adapted to coffins,
More than likely to get killed then die from natural causes.
It's sad and appalling, but it is never over and done,
Cuz a bright spot is there as long as the Earth orbits the sun.
Going forward as one-being hurled through the seasons,
A pearl as long as I'm breathing, this is the World as I see it.

-Nique

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...93#post3784693
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...02#post3784702

[Nique.]

Rise hoes.

[Nostradomus.]

It seems that you have established your presence,
Then dreams are simply shattered in a matter of seconds.
And we stagger with baggage trying to handle the leverage,
Crafting the essence of living as we try to fathom impressions.

Great lines right there ^, the multies and the vocab was just phenomenal in every single line. Your verse didnt lack anything at all, I liked how everything fell into place. None of your vocabulary words were forced, it all flowed well, and the multies were sick also. I wonder who was the other person who you collabed with, shame on them. , great job Nique, like always. And if you dont mind, please feed the link in my sig, thanks. Pz.

[Illus']

This was good.

Nothing great but good. Nice flow definitely
which made it an easy read. Nice wrd usage
vocabulary selection. And lol@ you not waiting
for the other individuals piece. Ummm I'd do the
same I don't have patience for that.

Anyways...

"Then hating to swallow the fact that you're battling serpents,
Living in the past cuz it has overshadowed the current."

This was your deepest line because I can relate
and it's so true.

Nicely done...Try to add some emotion to it
next time express yourself more.
Your strong point is your flow scheme like
the way you set things up.
You went at the topic very well.


Overall nicely done.

If you want leave feed on my OM titled
'Black Widow' would be nice of you.

[Sir Skiddz SoPhrenic]

Beautiful way to start off the piece, it lost a little steam but kept on hitting on target and on point. There werent many quotables but enough imagery to not even focus on it, and makes the reader wait for the other verse in the collab, Nice work

[Baron Mynd]

Quit using Rikos style until you've developed it properly. You're almost there, but it gets annoying. There are SO many kids copying his shit now its unreal, you visit 411Hype and they're all doing that EXACT same thing! Lol. I much preferred how you were writing originally, with the more B-Boys/ Namix schemes and whatever. This just comes across like you're trying too hard IMO. That said, it wasnt bad. Its not actually the content I didnt like, just the fact that you jacked Rikos steez really.
The content at times, seemed like you were reaching. Sacrificing the content for flow. And couplets like this one:

And we stagger with baggage trying to handle the leverage,
Crafting the essence of living as we try to fathom impressions.

Where you have to sacrifice the scheme, and throw the flow off syllabically. Like I said, you're close, but you over-complicate this for yourself and cant pull it off. That's one of the reasons Riko is held with such acclaim is because he pull these schemes off effortlessly. What more can I say? Overall, you're a good writer, I just couldnt get into this man!

[Born To Kill]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=263809

Hit that up for me if you can...kinda long, but I think it reads quick...

Now...about your verse...
Great shit, Nique.

Flow, vocab, blah, blah, blah...talking about that gets boring...
Fuck rhyme scheme's and styles...I don't care about that shit.

The message and delivery were very, very good here...
That's what I liked.
Heartfelt. Sincere...and sadly, pretty fuckin lost.

Get a grip, girl...life is easy...cuz no matter what...it keeps on happening.
You got endless chances to get it right.

Peace

[spader]

you got some stlye........

[Nique.]

Quit using Rikos style until you've developed it properly. You're almost there, but it gets annoying. There are SO many kids copying his shit now its unreal, you visit 411Hype and they're all doing that EXACT same thing! Lol. I much preferred how you were writing originally, with the more B-Boys/ Namix schemes and whatever. This just comes across like you're trying too hard IMO. That said, it wasnt bad. Its not actually the content I didnt like, just the fact that you jacked Rikos steez really.
The content at times, seemed like you were reaching. Sacrificing the content for flow. And couplets like this one:

And we stagger with baggage trying to handle the leverage,
Crafting the essence of living as we try to fathom impressions.

Where you have to sacrifice the scheme, and throw the flow off syllabically. Like I said, you're close, but you over-complicate this for yourself and cant pull it off. That's one of the reasons Riko is held with such acclaim is because he pull these schemes off effortlessly. What more can I say? Overall, you're a good writer, I just couldnt get into this man!

The fuck? I'm PMing you.

And thanks to everyone else.

[Jay 3]

it was hot. get the dude to put the stuff in and post it

[Nique.]

God given.

[Siege]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=264120
rtf
It seems that you have established your presence,
Then dreams are simply shattered in a matter of seconds.
And we stagger with baggage trying to handle the leverage,
Crafting the essence of living as we try to fathom impressions

holy shit at the dope multies/rhyme sccheme there, this is a good message, and a pretty good overall scheme, also the flow was on point and the imagery was also there, good read nique, i will most likely peep the next 99

rtf on my piece

[namixx]

first off, hi rapbattles.. can someone please at some point ask a mod to give me my 'namix' name which someone else registered and fronted bein me? biting a lines one, a verse or a style is one thing, but identity theft is getting to me these days

It seems that you have established your presence,
Then dreams are simply shattered in a matter of seconds.
And we stagger with baggage trying to handle the leverage,
Crafting the essence of living as we try to fathom impressions.
--flow was smoothness...while the topic, world as i see it, is extremely vague - it is something that can be easily transitioned into with your first four lines here.. I do think that too many people try to pull off this type of topic, it can easily be done if the topic is simply 'drilled down into', in my opinion.. I hope that this introduction leads into a more specific point ultimately -- otherwise it will be a good 'food for thought' line-by-line topical which so many heads drop now a days.. that being said, i also realize that its a collab and perhaps the next verse will bring new light to the drop --- but lets be honest, as I know you have written for a minute yourself, typically kids don't post their part of a collab if they know that their counter-part will really bring their piece to life... so I assume that you and your partner simply picked a 'topic' and are focusing on the same subject without any real conceptual flow into one another, which is of course cool, but is the same reason I will break your piece down for the content you provide as opposed to assuming there is something more to come... again, cool start, a bit vague, but that could definately be a good thing at this point - lets see where you take it..

The laughter is deadened through all of the pain and the sorrow,
Working up sweat for today so you can make a name for tomorrow.
Then hating to swallow the fact that you're battling serpents,
Living in the past cuz it has overshadowed the current.
--again, flow was straight.. I thought the whole past overshadowing the current concept was very cool, could have been a bit better developed to make it really impactful, but I like where you started going with it..I like your points in an individual sense, and they do seem connected in the 'past/future' aspect as well, but I often notice the distinct hurdle that battle writers have to over come with when writing topicals in regards to momentum and plot development -- and don't doubt for a second that it was one that took me a minute to overcome as well -- so far, you have good subtle insight in your individual 'bars', but you do not seem to be progressing in the depth of the topic yet.. there is certainly a time that you do not need to progress into a concept as a whole, but i just find that battle/flex readers gage success on a drop far differently than topical readers, in that battle/flex readers read for the moment and for 'pieces of the whole' whereas topical readers often read the verse for the whole, merely acknowledging the fact that the pieces made the whole.. I am rambling and potentially making no sense..so imma move on heh..

We mishandle the urgent and ignore what is needed,
Forcing solutions when we aren't exploring the reasons.
Toying and teasing with life, resorting to violence,
All the kids having potential, but a portion's misguided.
--forcing solutions when we aren't exploring the reasons, very cool.. that was my favorite point you have made.. and then you followed up with the kids potential but a portions misguided.. you are really making sense line for line, its truth, i dig it. I think that last concept had more potential than any concept I have read or written in the last year, no lie - and no reference intended by using the word potential.. I still think that with more specific focus in this topic, your points would really connect with your readers on the next level.. It is still a bit over-generalized for me, but even so, I am digging a lot of your bars.. This section was great. The flow was on point, as has been the case thus far, but the end points were also made your reader think. really dug this section.

Abortion has heightened and we've adapted to coffins,
More than likely to get killed then die from natural causes.
It's sad and appalling, but it is never over and done,
Cuz a bright spot is there as long as the Earth orbits the sun.
--again, solid points, well written individual points, and good flow.. it is a great attribute that you can connect with your readers on the 'well i'll be damned' level, in that, your individual points do make sense and are relatively eye-opening in the way you deliver them. I thought the bright spot line came off a little novice in comparison to the depth of some of your other concepts, but that being said, I also liked how you transitioned into a positive and a 'constant'.. It is an idea that brings the random negatives of the world we live in concept - and, dare i say, 'sheds light' on this topic to this point.

Going forward as one-being hurled through the seasons,
A pearl as long as I'm breathing, this is the World as I see it.
--well you were certainly building momentum for a conclusion with your previous line, as you switched to a more positive stance. I think that this was a bit anticlimatic though - you did not really give justice to the shift of your view, or the point that 'theres still a chance'.. it seemed like a rushed conclusion, as you did not really portray yourself as a 'pearl' throughout the piece, or conversely, portray others in a specific sense of not being the pearl they should be...

Overall:
solid flow, and a good read line for line no doubt... I think that some of your points had the potential to be jaw dropping, if they were simply dropped in the right plot and with the right build up. As a whole the piece could have stood a little more focus. Now, that is not to undermine your drop, rather, it is a compliment to the potential of your creativity. I think that if someone forced you to narrow the scope of your concept, you would have come up with just as many 'great points' but you could have had your readers on your page at a quicker point in time - so they could truely relate to each concept to the level you wanted them too. If I were to kick any advice your way, I would say to review your topicals from a high level.. Read it in your mind all the way through, as opposed to writing line for line.. That is what separates the good writers from the spectacular ones these days, for me at least... I rarely feel compelled to drop this disclaimer, but I would hope that you know that every comment and constructive critque I made in this break down was straight up to help you to the best of 'my' abilities.. as always, im just kickin my opinions and hope to make the writer slightly better for it.. s'all outta love for those heads that keep dropping. good read. peace.


PS - camarac, you are completely singing my net-wide song with the 'sacrificing content for flow' thing.. In niques case, I think she was just a bit vague in her topic -- also it is worth noting, while I have not read all too many of her drops, I never really think she used my style lol.. most bboys, yea.. she didn't that i know of though.. anyway though, keep preaching that content for flow 'ish, because that is as real as textcee bad trends get.

[Nique.]

I'm completely lost. Who are you exactly supposed to be? Namix or Riko? And I'm not even from bboys.

And this is a meaningless topical collab, but yea. I still dont understand throughout that entire post who you are sir.

[Nique.]

Ohhhh, I just noticed that Baron thinks I'm writing like you. Lmfao, lets get something straight. Namix, I didn't even know you existed until 2004 when I registered to bboys. I didn't know you as a writer nor as a topical writer at that. And I've been writing since 99. Maybe bboys wants to write like you, but I don't. This has been my style for the longest time and I'd appreciate if both of you would stop 'claiming' i'm taking anyone's style. It's fucking text for Christ's sake. This whole comparing me to bboys when I didn't even know the site existed until 2004 is quite ridiculous and annoying. Namix and Riko are both great writers, but just because people ride their dicks and claim that they started a trend when I didn't care for one and I didn't know the other existed until about a year ago is hilarious. Stop it please. Thanks.