lost innocence

Innocence lost, depleted when tv’s vulgarity exceeded
seamen to heathen, I blinked & missed what he needed
believin’ I was raising him right, I lost presences’ sight
through fights our bright days turned into dark nights
now im home alone, and this tranquillity is killing me
feeling free, but lost without him, surrounded disparity
my conscious buried me and recollection ended days
booze played on my mind and rearranged brain waves
strange how the time came and faded like my future
visions of incisions neutered his innocence as I abused her
my sons mother, my lover, this drunken rage took over
I woke older, afflicted by decisions as reality sobered
sunshine crept in and in time police stepped in arresting
protesting I resisted till I realized, and starting confessing
clarity hit me and I was visibly shook, the cruelest crook
they took me away, I conveyed goodbye with just a look
in the police station aggravation had me pacin’ impatient
knowing I was showing hells face, case childhood wasted
I never saw my sons eyes again, never saw his little grin
heard he was also locked in a state pen, all cuz of my gin

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=199395
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=200819

a good topic with some good vocab and imagery to back it up man, good flow and structure, felt like you got under the charecters skin pretty well. good to see the pace is getting picked up again.

now im home alone, and this tranquillity is killing me
feeling free, but lost without him, surrounded disparity

^^my faveourite lines^^

keep posting, thanks for the rep.

thanks

sure is a good thing i dont get slept on...........

believin’ I was raising him right, I lost presences’ sight
through fights our bright days turned into dark nights
now im home alone, and this tranquillity is killing me
feeling free, but lost without him, surrounded disparity
^my favorite segment..

I think you got a knack for story-telling.
and nice vocab. keep up the good work...

1-2

Yeah the content was deffinitly on point. And your flow was good too.. Both the passion and technical parts worked well.. I really dont have anyhting bad to say other than drop a longer verse.

Peace

this piece was mad ill kid,imagery was ill,tight vocabulary and wordplay,your structure was ill,the consistency and tha way you layed it out it flowed smooth,beautiful multis and again tha wordplay was real ill.keep droppin tha hottness.~1~

thank you guys very much for the love......leave links and i will hit you back with some feed

Quote:

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Originally Posted by DiverseSyndicate

this piece was mad ill kid,imagery was ill,tight vocabulary and wordplay,your structure was ill,the consistency and tha way you layed it out it flowed smooth,beautiful multis and again tha wordplay was real ill.keep droppin tha hottness.~1~

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This piece was dope and your skill was good, i loved all of it i mean there's no need to mention all about structure and vocab blah blah, this piece was exceptional. I love your lyrical content this was complete dopeness g! Keep writing!

humm.. great vocab! the topic was really cool and interesting.... the rhymes were real good and this was easy to read cuz the flow was real smooth and nice and the structure was even.. (thats really sumthin0 great job and keep it up.. keep elevating.. improve and you'll be even better. :) overall 8.5/10

thanks guys. it is nice to get some actual feed around here. i really appreciate it

This piece definitely displayed the meaning
quality is better then quantity...Nice piece here
haven't read one of your pieces in awhile, and it
is good to see you still have it. Nice imagery but
better nice emotion. Nice vocabulary. Overall
nice drop stay at it.

I liked the rhyme scheme, had a lot going on internally. One of the strengths of the piece was the emotion you got across. Storytelling was done well, described the events and told the characters feelings. The closing was nice, worked to bring home the concept. The piece definitely had the vocab, made it descriptive, even with the drop being relatively short.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=200068