Hey there!

It looks like you're enjoying Rap Battles Forum but haven't created an account yet. Why not take a minute to register for your own free account now? As a member you get free access to all of our forums and posts plus the ability to post your own messages, communicate directly with other members and much more. Register now!

Already a member? Login at the top of this page to stop seeing this message.

User Tag List

Page 1 of 3 1 2 ... LastLast
Showing results 1 to 15 of 31

Thread: Life As A Dead Man

  1. #1
    Dune Methane CrazyCarl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Age
    37
    Posts
    1,866
    Battle Record
    3-0

    Life As A Dead Man

    Outside of a Jamaican hut, I converse with the leader
    I was prepared somewhat, but I would soon need her
    she'd have to calm my nerves in meeting who's inside
    in this house presides, a man with lost vision in both eyes
    aside from the difficulty, I would in fact try to make strides

    His house resembled that of the surrounding area
    with the common plight, there's resounding hysteria
    blocks away, the wealthy don't share the despair with ya
    magnificent hotels allow for appreciation of the beauty...
    disregarding that the situation is the city's constructed duly

    I start conversation with trepidation, for an answer I await
    trying to create a bond, and attempt to relate with his state
    the silence is broken when "I am dying" is blandly spoken
    I ponder to prod questions about God and his eternity
    it seems he too, would probably want to learn from me
    I ask, "Are you ready?" although it seems wrong to say
    I suppose he's suffering from a disease of his society...
    as an effect it has in turn taken his sight away

    I am shocked by his second comment "I can't wait"
    this seems where he will open up, and start to debate
    so happy for company, his smiles warms me
    into his life he lends me a view...
    "When I'm in heaven I'll see Jesus and watch over you"

    Two weeks later, I found out that he had in fact died
    To others it seemed strange, but it was in joy that I cried

  2. #2

  3. #3
    bitch.
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Indianapolis
    Age
    35
    Posts
    2,114
    Battle Record
    11-25
    Best lines -

    His house resembled that of the surrounding area
    with the common plight, there's resounding hysteria
    (I liked the imaginary...really good setting for the piece 8/10)

    I start conversation with trepidation, for an answer I await
    trying to create a bond, and attempt to relate with his state
    (Nice way to express thoughts in a story 8.5/10)

    I think U had great multiez in some parts, even flow, and good structure and extensive vocabulary. The story came off a little dull, but the message and climax was done to its best by you. Nothing really bad about this piece...

    Over all rate - 9/10

  4. #4
    Kaptin
    Guest
    wasnt feelin the concept but it was a nice verse, multis involved helped me with the flow, seems like youve been doin this for a while the way 3 lines would rhyme and then the 4th line wouldnt but the flow was still kept(if that makes any sense)overall good shit

    8/10

  5. #5
    Dune Methane CrazyCarl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Age
    37
    Posts
    1,866
    Battle Record
    3-0
    Back from the Bahamas....up

  6. #6
    TreaZoN sILLable's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Houston, Texas
    Age
    40
    Posts
    5,316
    Battle Record
    15-10
    ill shit,i didnt care too much for tha concept either but this piece was ill,nice multis,it flowed well,i loved tha wordplay,ill vocab and complexity,the way you layed it out was very nice,it was a little choppy at tha beginning but it was on point for tha most part.keep droppin tha hottness.~1~


    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.



    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


  7. #7
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Posts
    9,864
    Short, but very nice carl

    Outside of a Jamaican hut, I converse with the leader
    I was prepared somewhat, but I would soon need her
    she'd have to calm my nerves in meeting who's inside
    in this house presides, a man with lost vision in both eyes
    aside from the difficulty, I would in fact try to make strides

    those opening lines were the best. I was feeling them alot

    Nice structure, and rhyme scheme.

    Just keep doing your thing Carl, its working for you, Pz

  8. #8
    Dune Methane CrazyCarl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Age
    37
    Posts
    1,866
    Battle Record
    3-0
    bump

  9. #9
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Brainz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Da Bronx
    Posts
    208
    Never seem to disappointme son. You always drop hot. Honestly this one wasn't as strong as the onther ones but it still was powerful. The words you used were ok they werent all that complex or hugh but they did the work. You had the multis where you needed them. Good work man keep me reading.

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.




    Dead in the middle of Little Italy little did we know
    that we riddled some middleman who didn't do diddily
    ~Big Pun~


    I rub your face off the Earth and curse your family children
    like Amityville drill the nerves in your cavity fillin
    Insanity's building up pavillion in my civilian
    The cannon be the anarchy that humanity's dealing
    A villain without remorse, who's willing to out your boss
    Forever and take all the cheddar like child support
    ~Big Pun~

  10. #10
    Banned Demon Pyrokronix's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    City of God
    Age
    35
    Posts
    1,805
    Battle Record
    19-3
    I liked this piece a lot man, you showed me that you are a good writer and have the talent to go on to bigger things. Your vocabularly and flow were faultless and I felt your imagery was very good as well. Perhaps I am not wrong in thinking that the dying man was a relative of the narrator. Hence, he didn't want to enter his hut because he knew that he was dying and didn't wish to see him in pain.

    "she'd have to calm my nerves in meeting who's inside
    in this house presides, a man with lost vision in both eyes
    aside from the difficulty, I would in fact try to make strides"

    As the OM progressed we learned that it was religiously based and that the dying man was happy about dying because he could go to heaven.

    "Two weeks later, I found out that he had in fact died
    To others it seemed strange, but it was in joy that I cried"

    This shows that there was a strong bond between the narrator and the dying man as he was moved to tears by his death. The rhyme scheme you used to potray this piece was very good and helped carry it and made it more complex. The imagery you used was good and the charecterization (if not always necesarry within an OM) showed that you have a good writing talent. Judging by this piece of work, I am sure you spend at least some of your time writing fictionous pieces.

    Good job man.

    Pz, Demon.

  11. #11
    Banned
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Age
    34
    Posts
    425
    Battle Record
    6-5
    flow: off the chain
    structure: loved it
    multies: good using them, they help with the flow
    opener: hmmm.... it wasn't really an opening, but it wsn't too bad
    closer: good closer, it just kind of flowed to the end, ya know
    vocabulary: very xstensive, keep working on it tho, you dont always need to use big words, it messes up the flow
    creativity: hm. a story told in rhymes, pretty cool

    -TheKing

  12. #12
    Ay This Was Sum Freaky Type Shit Nice Lil Wor Plays Though Shawty Keep Ya Head Up

  13. #13
    Banned
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Posts
    5,480
    Battle Record
    12-1
    Outside of a Jamaican hut, I converse with the leader
    I was prepared somewhat, but I would soon need her
    (this had a great flow and great rhymez)

    the ending was real cool to sum up the whole drop.. that was real hot.. the rhymes were real nice.. great almost perfect flow... this is one that stand out from other drops.. this was real creative and the topic was real interesting.. i enjoyed reading this, smooth flow and great strcutur emade it easy to read... keep it up man.. great job!

  14. #14
    Banned
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Posts
    2,412
    Battle Record
    23-12
    Suprising what I wrote It just made me want to keep scrollin down you are a detailed person and I see the knack for detail here good job brother keep doing what your doing!

  15. #15
    Dune Methane CrazyCarl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Age
    37
    Posts
    1,866
    Battle Record
    3-0
    thanks everybody, up

Similar Threads

  1. Dead Man Comes Back To Life .. To Simply Die Again
    By Baron Mynd in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 17
    Last Post: January 2nd, 2004, 05:32 PM
  2. the dead man
    By PACO in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: May 3rd, 2003, 03:12 AM
  3. <--Stan to a Dead Man-->
    By D-Dizzle in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: January 15th, 2003, 03:14 PM

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •