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Thread: A Glimpse of Heaven

  1. #1
    You've Earned a Custom Title! The Vortex's Avatar
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    Post A Glimpse of Heaven

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    A Glimpse of Heaven




    In the beginning - there was GOD, and then there was US.

    Dusk settles…

    The sky around me crumbles - as I mumble my last words
    Then fly off the ground free from trouble, - I surpass birds
    Soaring blissfully unheard plus physically blurred to observe
    Swerving past perturbed spirits who wrestle on Gods Earth
    I nestle death as birth, for both hold a similar worth in theory
    Since clearly we all deserve to live life…, & then die sincerely
    Nearly reaching Nirvana my karma remains a jaunty journey
    Racing through space against Angels in this Saintly tourney...,
    Glimpsing the Globe with the view of an Eagle flew high
    Seems the moon sighs as soon as blue sky is left too behind
    Wave at the Sun; -shine new knowledge to dazzle the mind
    As my weightless lips - sip ethereal wine from an eternal vine
    Divine light amazes atheists… when crossing lateral lines
    Faith becomes blind as nature plays spellbind by natural signs
    An impartial Shrine free from the art of all martial crimes
    No more farcical lies lie in each article set before social eyes…
    Socialise your soul with truth in crystal waters flowing smooth
    Under one roof the Lords sons & daughters showing proof
    Conviction can move mountains & produce growing shoots
    To spring forth fruit even in deserts, forming ongoing roots,

    I proceed indeed to reach this oasis, & reap poetic solace
    Secluded from a solar system that pins onus upon shoulders
    Paradise presents US coronas as a bonus for strong soldiers…
    To gain a Gong we must long suffer the wrong of a world
    Where life’s sacrificed for iced-up neckwear & pretty pearls
    I take flight to the light - for its right there a New City twirls
    Such a place fit for a King, as you can only try to imagine
    By a margin, it’s enough to make US truly cry out in passion…
    If we all knew an easy route to Heaven -
    …Then living on Planet Earth would soon fly-out-of-fashion.


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  2. #2
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    .................................................. ......................

  3. #3
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    Re: A Glimpse of Heaven

    The sky around me crumbles - as I mumble my last words
    Then fly off the ground free from trouble, - I surpass birds
    Soaring blissfully unheard plus physically blurred to observe
    Swerving past perturbed spirits who wrestle on Gods Earth
    I nestle death as birth, for both hold a similar worth in theory
    Since clearly we all deserve to live life…, & then die sincerely
    Nearly reaching Nirvana my karma remains a jaunty journey
    Racing through space against Angels in this Saintly tourney...,

    this is good i like yo concept of what u are trying to say and its my first time being on here an it would b nice ta have pointers sumtimes an this was ma favorite part at the beginning its what captures ma attention an kept me reading this is nice work an hw did u change the color of the fonts?
    The Greatest

  4. #4
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    Re: A Glimpse of Heaven

    yeah thanx for the look holmes..

    font - colour = when you make a post you should be given the option just above your writing space./ amongst other font - options.
    .................................................. ......................

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    Re: A Glimpse of Heaven

    ok enough of the sleeping ish

    raisins

    1

  6. #6
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    Re: A Glimpse of Heaven

    itz good
    i saw a vision reading it
    Mak'in History!!

  7. #7
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    Re: A Glimpse of Heaven

    ^LoL...

    Opening lines were good...But then I read a couple lines that just sounded like you were trying to rhyme words and also sound intelligent by placing different words in inappropriate spots killing the fluency of the verse...
    Like:
    Soaring blissfully unheard plus physically blurred to observe
    Swerving past perturbed spirits who wrestle on Gods Earth
    That sounded BLAH...Blurred to observe?...Would've sounded better if you said "What I observed was a blurr" or something...Just seemede like you were foced on the rhymes instead of the message...But they killed your scheme...
    Also:
    I nestle death as birth
    That makes no sense at all...you snuggled death as birth?

    So basically, your constant rhyming made you add words that didn't make sense in their spots and made the scheme sound terrible in return...

    I think you should focus on your them and content first, before you add the rhymes...It helps me alot...

    Well...Stay up and keep writing...

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=322451 <- Vote Please
    Last edited by Ink Edible; January 9th, 2007 at 03:54 PM
    This is my signature...

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    Re: A Glimpse of Heaven

    ^ i dont quite understamd what you meaN


    That sounded BLAH...Blurred to observe?...Would've sounded better if you said "What I observed was a blurr" or something...Just seemede like you were foced on the rhymes instead of the message...But they killed your scheme...




    I MEAN WHAT DOES FOCED MEAN?


    abd you take half a line and ask what it means.you have to like read the whole line or even the whole bar to see waht it means and look into the imagery to see what is going on.. i mean its all being a critic and taking aDVICE.BUT YOUR KINDA BLAH IN WHAT YOUR SAYING ITHINK


    THANKS ALL THE SAME FOR THE FEW HALF LINES THAT YOU READ


    UPPING

  9. #9
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    Re: A Glimpse of Heaven

    I MEAN YOU ARE TRYING TO GIVE ME WORDING ADVICE .AND LOOK HOW YOU WORD A SENTENCE


    I think you should focus on your them and content first, before you add the rhymes...It helps me alot...


    i mean what does that mean?


    LOL

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    Re: A Glimpse of Heaven

    I liked it, glad you linked me too it :P
    ~teBi~

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