Cold Memories: WestBank & Thomas

[Leonidas]

Cold Memories.
.
.
1st two=WestBank
2nd two=Thomas
.
.
Cold Memories retaining, piercing the fortitude
Diminishing hope, cursing consort conclude
Flowing emotions thru veins servicing drought
Ending existence, surfacing my once devout
.
From whole to shambles, or somewhere betwixt
To never ending eternal emotions in a conducted mixt
Contradicting life, forget the ever lasting molding
Residing at the gates, protruding a diverse sense beholding


Distant memories spike deep and wield pain.
Rivers of tears and adrenaline reigns.
Death of a relative, pioneered with love.
Spirit remains on and eternity thereof.
.
Pardoned in flesh, but lives on inside.
Painful thoughts, that emotion can’t hide.
Upon ones family I can confidently confine.
At peace with god, eternally divine.
.
.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...72#post5273472
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=315375

[Messiah.]

Feed on this for westy and me fuckers.

[P. Mortuus]

WEll i'm gonna go harsh on this for both of you 2's benefit...na mean

West...quit using words to sound clever, you may disagree with my staement but your words don't fit in as a whole and give no proper meaning or closure to your verses. Both your verses ended abruptly and well didn't have anything in them to get me interested..plus your flow was awkard to.

Thomas..your flow was better but still patchy..same as Westyour piece was TOO short..i mean what should i have got out of it..there was nothing to make me ponder on it afterwards na mean.

Overall..not a great piece, both of you rushed it.

Improvements: Both of you work on your imagery but before that perfect or atleast better your flow an mean, you have to keep a topical fluid and after you've got the fluidity bring in the vocab and most importantly the imagery.

Both of you stay up and i hope you take my critique the right way.

Some comments on this poem:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=315730

[Ismael]

Good i think, keep it up...

nice erreyness <-- spelled wrong, laff.

[..IllThoughtZ..]

Good i think, keep it up...

nice erreyness <-- spelled wrong, laff.

wow ..wtf herb...

but yea i have to agree with baron...this piece felt empty..after i was done reading it i was still left with the feeling of what else? better rhyme scheme could've been used and a much more clever concept could've been made...i was very suprised that this piece wasnt that good seeing as the two of you are very talented writers...but every dog has his day...anyways keep writing to the fullest ...

[Leonidas]

Thanks for the feed so far...This was a very quick key...Thomas keyed 8 lines, then i just wrote another quick 8

I know a lot of you arent feeling it, its too short,etc...So we'll come at you with a better OM...Just be on the look out

[P. Mortuus]

No doubt no doubt.

[Leonidas]

up for some feed

[Glory]

fresh. vocab was great, flow was on key, though the scheme in conjunction with it made this feel much more like a poem than anything. imagery was a bit lacking, which is why being strictly metaphorical can be a bit tough in many pieces, but the story and point of the piece was made. emotionally i couldn't get involved with the piece, either the images weren't strong enough or the realness of it didn't grab me, probably a little bit of both. overall, decent piece, stay up. return the favor with some feed on a piece of mine, thanks.

peACE

[Forum]

This was a good read.. merely.. West I agree with P. on your vocab... It was kinda bland though it flowed well. some words threw me off kinda..
Thomas ya part was coo. but I really expected to see a mcuh better piece seeing that you both are good writers... but overall for a quick key it was still pretty dope.

[Ja Eazy]

WEST...now i know that isent ur best at all i seen all ur works and this one was pretty bad compared to them but i hate it wen u use those big ass words lmao were not english professores man and it was short wats up wit that man but this was not that good no hate u know its no hate just didnt like this one like all ur others

THOMAS...where were u on this to i know it was quick key but i know u and ur work and know u can do A LOT better on it then this it was aight verse short but ok im sure if u had more lines urs would of been good to read both of yalls would of no hate homie

ok collab over all more lines need to be in it west

[C.Wrighter]

Ok people are tryna put this piece down but i think this piece is not bad but not over the top either but i think its a good though out piece and diffrent style of a OM cause most people try to do the same style and yall took a chance and went for a new style and yall both had average pieces and i think yall should do what yall want and stay dropin like his and just come harder next time


but yall check out my piece

Real Friends vs Fake Friends -- its in the sig

[~Mansin~]

west

i thought metas were strait, and ya flow was mostly on point
though i like vocab, it seemed a bit cluttered in ya piece
idk it was like that....cursing consort conclude..line, a lttle
hard on the transition, overall it was descent for the length
and most def wit the talent...keep rippin those scripts

Thomas

it was just good for me, i mean yer you were on the meta lean,
just didnt seem to be much that stood out, i mean its obvious
you got skillz, im not doubting that, it just seemed to be
a paint by numbers drop, i think i would of enjoyed it more
if it was a longer more explored piece, though yall both
worked well togeather, pretty good balance

keep rippin those scripts...

if you got time here is a link to one of minez...peace

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=316236

[IsRael]

Cold Memories retaining, piercing the fortitude
Diminishing hope, cursing consort conclude

that wright there didn't do the rest of your bars justice, it didn't really flow well I just don't like how it rhymed, but the topic it self was not to creative, but as we all know the topic is just to catch the readers attention its the content that matters and I goto say the story line was above average I liked the emtion the vivid words you used help paint the picture, your vocab was alright, but you need to put more words into your sentences it kind've felt like a poem more then a topical.

thomas - The same for you, but it seemed that yours were well though out and more organized, the emotion in you piece was a bit more revealing because you're flow was nice and steady and the words kind've fit in alright, you're vocab was coo you didn't use such cliche words like Im use to seeing, like I said about west this was a bit short for a topical if it were a bit more and longer so I can latch on to your story line it've been nice.

Overall you both did good, y'all did your thing only thing was thomas seemed to have a bit more experiance, but you outshined him for the best west set the mood and you carried it on, all in all y'all get a 7/10.

leave honest feed on my links please