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Thread: The Mouth that Never Opened

  1. September 5th, 2006, 02:33 AM #1
    Bilayer
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    The Mouth that Never Opened

    Author: Bstill aka Xplict_Talent
    Title: the mouth that never open
    date: 09/04/06


    Through the night sky’s light, upon earth stones he crept….
    Out of sight, silent, he entered her home while she slept…
    Fed by anger, hatred, lust and damaged pride….
    The past panged heavily, twisting inside his mind…
    How he loved her, draped in her soft halo of life…
    She was angel manifest, he’d have died for her….twice…
    Until one night, with love he knelt upon one knee….
    Holding roses and diamonds, love, “will you marry me?”
    Accompanied by a teary eye, a weary “I can’t”…
    She turned and ran, the diamonds hit the floor as the door slammed…
    Flowers met the fire, as he followed his heart…
    Called to her, “wait”, but she ran through the hollowest dark…
    Into the arms of a man, he recognized by his frame…
    His own father, in that moment he’d forgotten his name…
    That was one month ago, tonight, the anger marinated…
    Now above her sleeping frame he held his shaking hand in hatred…
    She lay naked, was this innocence or demonic poise?
    He had no choice, gripped her throat as he prepared for her voice…
    Her eyes opened, with no fear, almost as if she expected it…
    Staring deep into his soul, he felt as if she was vexing it….
    Feeling life slowly slip from the silent prey….violently…
    She writhed, and his blood began flow excitingly…
    Without a scream, or a gasp, or even parting her lips…
    She raised her head from her pillow, and she blessed him a kiss…
    His mind flashed with past happenstance and recollection…
    As her head fell lifeless, breathless… death’s posture……perfection…
    He drew back from his victim, in fear…what had he done?
    From love drew a murder, look how far he had come….
    Softly lying there alive with death, eyes to the sky….
    She told greater stories dead upon the sheets than alive….
    He gave her one last kiss, and disappeared in the dark…
    A mouth that never opens, never says I can’t to her heart…


    Links

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...80#post5103180

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=308140
    Last edited by Bilayer; September 5th, 2006 at 08:14 AM
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  2. September 5th, 2006, 06:58 AM #2
    Anthraxx
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    wow.... this is nice.. very nice flow, the way u put the ... for a slight pause also creates sort of tension for the next line, sort of describes a guy whos just lost some1...
    and its as though the reader can also feel his anger... this is good man, u should hook up a beat and record this, post it up n ask for feedback, id give this 8/10... this is classic good work
    A N T H R A X X
    I Wonder If Heaven Got A Ghetto...

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  3. September 5th, 2006, 08:11 AM #3
    Bilayer
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    Thanx for feeding on my work mann
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  4. September 5th, 2006, 09:53 PM #4
    Bilayer
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    uppin for feed i will feed on urs in return
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  5. September 6th, 2006, 07:31 AM #5
    f-gee
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    Nice drop man

    Best shit i've seen from an 'unknown' kid on here

    Nice story telling, kept the story going all the way through, stuck to the plot played on the emotions and had some nice imagery.Some standout lines.
    Flow was good, overall mechanics- can't really fault it
    story is a bit played but you told it well enough not to become tedious

    Solid man, good shit

    ping a post on my drop if you can
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=308371
    You need Ghost Dog in your DVD collection


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    it's a bold statement - the new youtube
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  6. September 6th, 2006, 08:00 AM #6
    Bilayer
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    Thanx for feeding imma hitur link up real quick iight
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  7. September 7th, 2006, 07:03 AM #7
    Bilayer
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  8. September 11th, 2006, 01:52 PM #8
    Bilayer
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  9. September 11th, 2006, 06:51 PM #9
    216thaGlobalMC
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    ok this is a niceread as far as I'm concerned
    you covered the basis of rap which is good
    peeps could take from this a learn what rap is
    so keep up the good work
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  10. September 15th, 2006, 09:34 AM #10
    Bilayer
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    Thanx pimpin drop a link and i will feed on it also in return
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  11. September 15th, 2006, 12:57 PM #11
    Tragedian.
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    nice om...but there are some flaws that i saw...flow was nice and smooth but some lines seem forced...multies we're nice fit in with the flow and wordplay...vocab was good not really easy words to rhyme...the strutre was a bit weak...try to use a font and make it look good it`ll get the readers reading more...nice job with the topic...wasnt played and wasnt bout some gay gang shit...nice job..keep up..
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  12. September 15th, 2006, 01:04 PM #12
    Bilayer
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    Thanx DJ mann for the feed imma work on those flaws and make my self a better writer
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  13. September 15th, 2006, 01:10 PM #13
    P. Mortuus
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    Wow at some lines lol...that's the first thing i though, you seriously need to iron out some edges and then you could easily become a very very good writer. The way your flow and transition picked up near the ending was very good and the way it set a motion image in my mind was a good sign also. Took me long to get round to this due to college, but i got a holiday for 2 days so yeah i thought i'll check it and it was a genuinly good read. I mean it started so so even the dad thing wasn't big...but then the ending description was excellent. I really liked it, very good job, others may think differently but i agree with F-Gee on this one.

    Also, a few comments on this poem will be appreciate na mean
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=309501
    Last edited by P. Mortuus; September 15th, 2006 at 01:14 PM
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  14. September 16th, 2006, 11:35 AM #14
    Bilayer
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    thanx pak and yea imma hit cha link up when i return from work mann
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  15. September 17th, 2006, 04:39 AM #15
    SmokaJoka
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    This was a dope read to be honest....you told a very vivid story once again....your imagery is what shines in your verses.....the details put me there pretty much....your rhymes were better in this one than 'Reaching for Death' and the overall story of this was better....honestly...I havent seen a topic like this....well...I've seen jealousy...hate....death....but not this SPECIFIC topic....your vocabulary was ok...your structure is good....nothing much to say bad about this verse at all....I believe it's already been nominated for the hall of fame this month....so congratulations for that....

    Rating:
    8.5/10

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