Shattered Reflection.

[+AffIzIaL+]

Shattered Reflection


I look to a mear reflection.
That drives slow to a pale faced invision
Mirrored to reaction imposed
as i poise to arouse, my feelings started to rot, i froze
Driven to insanity with scars galore
as i fend to the corner as rich dont fend to the poor
drawn with all emotional tears derailing
as my progression in expression to hold on is fading
i grit my teeth in depression
as pressure build and grows everyone still hates,no acception
eye's get water'd with emotions and pain
as the thunder strikes attention all the fears drop like rain
slain toa game that's played with a name
not endured with brain as the thoughts are lost in a broken frame
i pound the ground and shh!..no sound
as the people walk a side step around,i just laugh as i fall down
i cry for help yet none is given
its like im trapped in a never ending circle with no mercy given
no heart to append and no home to cover
forgotten dreams re-assure my lifes long lost hidden lover
my heart is crushed with great aggresion
in depression, as my whole life and dreams is nothing more than a shattered reflection




http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=297663
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=298411

[+AffIzIaL+]

upping this for feedback...........

[Blazin' Young]

I look to a mear reflection.
That drives slow to a pale faced invision
^ alright

Mirrored to reaction imposed
as i poise to arouse, my feelings started to rot, i froze
^ good

Driven to insanity with scars galore
as i fend to the corner as rich dont fend to the poor
^ awesome, was pretty ill wordplay too

drawn with all emotional tears derailing
as my progression in expression to hold on is fading
^ good

i grit my teeth in depression
as pressure build and grows everyone still hates,no acception
^ nice, good feeling

eye's get water'd with emotions and pain
as the thunder strikes attention all the fears drop like rain
^ great metaphor, nice wordplay (thumbs up)

slain toa game that's played with a name
not endured with brain as the thoughts are lost in a broken frame
^ good

i pound the ground and shh!..no sound
as the people walk a side step around,i just laugh as i fall down
^ again, great, nice use of wordplay

i cry for help yet none is given
its like im trapped in a never ending circle with no mercy given
^ great level of feeling, really pulls it off

no heart to append and no home to cover
forgotten dreams re-assure my lifes long lost hidden lover
^ great

my heart is crushed with great aggresion
in depression, as my whole life and dreams is nothing more than a shattered reflection
^ great feeling, great wordplay yet again, which pulled off this nice closer

OPINION// You got great wordplay, and you know how to structure your lyrics in a way which connects the reader to your peice. This is a great peice and one that I have some respect for, great work man.

If I could give you any advice that you could carry on to your next written with, it would have to be multies, i saw the hint of multies in your peice but they never ended with that "OW! Factor" finish. If you want to raise the roof with your next written, I would go for a multi with this sort of structure.

------(A)------(B)-------(C) or --------(A)-------(A)-----(B)
------(A)------(B)-------(C) ... --------(C)---(C)----(A)--(B)

The second one is pretty hard to pull off, but when used effectively, can easily be one of the illest bars you ever drop in a peice.

Peace out and g/l in the future homie.

[+AffIzIaL+]

word i was thinkin of that style..lol!...great minds think alike!...LOL PM me man i have an opposition for you a great one

["Versatile"]

ill shit flow was unique....aint one for the OM scene pretty shit at it...
but i enjoyed reading your piece,shows how in depth your thoughts are,
which is really amazing....keep up.