The Blade that Wouldn't Cut

[Jon]

The Blade That Wouldn’t Cut


The past of this man, with a capsule blade in his hand
Hard for one to understand the pain he has went through
To live the life of a being, whose whole life has been bland?
But who knew, today his day’s end could possibly pursue
His troubles kept piling on one another, making it hard
For his brain to function correctly as hours kept passing
He goes to rehab; it only mocks the pain, scabs start to scar
As feelings commence, frustration and hatred remain clashing
If he had one wish, I’d be to get rid of this, and he can soon
With a deadly sip, with water in his glass, the pill is gone
Of course he knew what he did; he’ll be luck to last till noon
This poet seeks help, his pen and paper will help him move on

I’m dieing, I miss
My life, no longer exist
This thing, killing me
Within, did I commit a sin?

My rib cage aches
Lord forgive my mistakes
And why I do this
I regret it, I now fall abyss.

He awakens, losing all memory to where he was found last
Lost track of time, his name, and everything else in this world
Brain fried, know why? No clue where he was, forgotten past.
On top of all this, his body dismantled, suchlike it’s been hurled
Was this the work of an angel? The dose should have killed
Hells gates must have been full, and the heavens are filled
Or was it just luck? The pill should have just killed him, but
This setting would be known, as the blade that wouldn’t cut

[T-N GFX]

Wow..

A Depth Verse / Verses. Each One Had a Kinda Emotional Feel To Them, Helped Alot By The Poetry Structure. The Flow Was Good, Helped The Reader Read From The Beginning To End. Being This As A Type Of Poem, The Rhymeskeem Was On Point, Seriously.. Nothing Could Be Faulterd In This Peice.
Well Done.

RTF On My Second OM.
--The Suffering.

[Jon]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=297565
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=297611

[Jon]

uppin

[ReggieChang]

Jonathan this was an excellent piece. the imagery was on point. ya Metas were on point. it was deep thru out the whole piece. there wasnt one point of the piec where i thought it ran on. good job. ima nominate this for HoF.

checc out the link in mah sig please

[Philly B. Sparkz]

this was a great drop...executed to perfection and excellence...though i felt some points were useless and some filla spaces but nice overall....nice emotion and depth with it really felt the emotion and the vocab was well delivered....


RTF on the OM's any one of it!. in my SIG!

[Jon]

thanks for feed uppin

[Bounce]

Nice little read, good concept and decent writing. You had some minor issues with your word choice though.

ei... my life no longer exist
should be exists

and

I now fall abyss
should something other than it is

minor issues that really distract from a peice. It is kind of under developed, you could have grasped your reader much better. When I finished the read, it left me unsatisfied, and falt very incomplete. The goal here is to make the read fill complete and completly entranced with the verse. You are coming along though, I have read your stuff before, you just need to make that transition from OK to dope.

[Jon]

^^ Thanks.. Yea, it was very rushed, i started the first line, then from there on out, it was like a fifteen minute piece. I'm trying to elevate, and I do need to work on my grammer =/.. but i'm only 14, so hopefully i'll learn shit in school. thanks for actually reading it, then telling what i need to improve on.

[Bounce]

no problem, if there is anything I can do to help to hessitate to ask. I think it's great that the youngsters are taking this writing shit serious.

[Jon]

^ thanks, yea, i'm very buisy (not as buisy as you) but i sign myself up for too much stuff when i'm bored, forgetting that i have a real life. when i wrote this, i had to do a crew battle, two text battles, a punch line, and another topical due that same week. so yea, i was really buisy therefor it was rushed. but i took myself out of a few activities, so my next piece should show improvement. oh, and one thing, did you think the rhymescheme went well? should i include more multies?

[Bounce]

a
b
a
b

schemes are kind of blan without internals and multiles splashed about. So, yeah you have some things to improve on... multi strings would be a nice addition, but that is not an easy task...

[Jon]

uppin

[Flavin.]

wow. this was a really nice peice. i liked the rhyme scheme you used. i havent really seen that much in oms. cool that your only fourteen, u should be way good when you get some more experience under you belt. This flowed together real nice and made it an easy read. ou could of had more build up on how hard the guys life was and it wouldve added to the emotion better but overall this was a really good OM

check out my om A murder

[Jon]

uppin