What's Life?

[detremental.]

I've had this question in mah head for so long,
What actually separates the right from wrong,
What is the actual meaning of life,
Why do people choose to end something so sacred with a 5 dollar knife,
I thought life was priceless,
Then why can a 89 cent bullet leave you lifeless,
Why do women sell themselves for a quick hit,
Why will people risk life to get that coke pipe lit,
Why is life considered to be so sacred,
These are just the quetions that I ask myself,
Why does life revolve around whether or not you have wealth,
Why do women abort babies,
Why do men rape respectful ladies,
Do people even find life important,
Why does a perfect woman have to be proportionate,
Why is it a certain edicate that people have to follow to be normal,
Why do news reporters report death so formal,
WHY ARE WE DESIGNED TO DIE,
If life was so sacred then can you please tell me why,
Why do some kids have to live life without a home,
Why does a nigga who stand up for himself gotta get one to the dome,
Why isn't life special to some people,
Life is just a mystery that's unsolvable,

Leave feedback. I still think I need elevation.

[detremental.]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=288234
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=288193

didn't know if I still had to leave links. answer that question with ya'll feedback too.

[YuNg D]

Nice piece man...you elevated from that last piece..i like you style and your mindset..i can see your thinking process and your ideas that you get across on your pieces..this piece was particulary intersting because i havent really seen a topic like this in OM..keep it up...

7/10

[ItsCyrious]

thes questions are crazy fam..idlike to kno da answers too..this reminds me of a "Why" - Jadakiss jumpoff...but you ..

definantly room for elevation..as wit everyone..
7.5/10 ..structure was iight..scheme was dope..thought put in was keen and hott

*edit* - btw im down for dat colab

[detremental.]

thanx for the feedback. appreciate it. I'm just trynna get better. uppin for more feedback.

[detremental.]

thes questions are crazy fam..idlike to kno da answers too..this reminds me of a "Why" - Jadakiss jumpoff...but you ..

definantly room for elevation..as wit everyone..
8/10 ..structure was iight..scheme was dope..thought put in was keen and hott

thanx for the feedback. I was just trynna see what I could do with a different type of subject. still workin on mah skills with it.

[Poeta Demonio]

Okay, this was average in my eyes, the topic was well chosen, and a question that has been posed many of times in my own mind, but i think you should have approached the topic with greater depth and emotion, you see imagery is an important factor to any topical piece, as you are not dissing someone, your trying to put a message to your readers, if that message is not deliered correctly or clearly, you have failed to capture the minds and attention of your audience, it seems you have potential, but you just need to find your identity as a writer and discover new ways and forms to place such things as imagery, complexity, and i would like to see metaphors and maybe even aliteration in some of your future word..

The rhyme scheme was the basic 1-2 scheme, which personally i find boring and tends to dull my enjoyment of many pieces, in my opinion multis and various different schemes would really help your writing, and help to improve your potential.

Well done anyhow.

[detremental.]

Okay, this was average in my eyes, the topic was well chosen, and a question that has been posed many of times in my own mind, but i think you should have approached the topic with greater depth and emotion, you see imagery is an important factor to any topical piece, as you are not dissing someone, your trying to put a message to your readers, if that message is not deliered correctly or clearly, you have failed to capture the minds and attention of your audience, it seems you have potential, but you just need to find your identity as a writer and discover new ways and forms to place such things as imagery, complexity, and i would like to see metaphors and maybe even aliteration in some of your future word..

The rhyme scheme was the basic 1-2 scheme, which personally i find boring and tends to dull my enjoyment of many pieces, in my opinion multis and various different schemes would really help your writing, and help to improve your potential.

Well done anyhow.

thanx. I really appreciate the feedback. I will try to work on it. uppin for more feedback. still need some more.

[Poeta Demonio]

thanx. I really appreciate the feedback. I will try to work on it. uppin for more feedback. still need some more.

Well i would apreciate feed on my latest OM... thank's dude.

[Jon]

Well, Kind of a played topic, but it was still ok. You do need elevation, but ask yourself those questions you asked, and then write it down in FORMAL laungage, not My for Mah. Get me? Well, anyways, you had pretty good flow, and structure could have used some work, but for the most part, you did pretty good for a new guy. But the MAIN thing about topicals are finding the concept, you should try story telling OM's, they're easyier to write. Imaginary is another thing you need to consider, check peices from HoF, Bounce, Edicus, and other legends.

Keep it up.

[detremental.]

Thanx for the feedback Jonathon. that's all I need for right now. I hope my next piece will improve from this one. Poeta ya piece was next on my list.

[Gurbil]

Ye i liked this piece and the topic was good good opener and closer

[Plain-Thug]

wtf @ the shit feed by gurbil..

anywayz..yes this was a good peice man...topic was pretty nice.....
rhymes were nice as well...imagery was descent mostly........
vocab and complexity could definately been elevated.....
flow was smooth overall and strucutre was even....
this was a good peice i enjoyed reading it...keep at it..peace

[M-A-D]

i liked that piece speicaly this line
I thought life was priceless,
Then why can a 89 cent bullet leave you lifeless,
nice work on meta s and word play
keep it comming