Hey there!

It looks like you're enjoying Rap Battles Forum but haven't created an account yet. Why not take a minute to register for your own free account now? As a member you get free access to all of our forums and posts plus the ability to post your own messages, communicate directly with other members and much more. Register now!

Already a member? Login at the top of this page to stop seeing this message.

User Tag List

Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast
Showing results 1 to 15 of 18

Thread: Street Dreams (my first OM)

  1. #1
    Banned detremental.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Northside of Wilmington
    Age
    34
    Posts
    3,838
    Battle Record
    5-0

    Street Dreams (my first OM)

    One night I had a dream,
    But all dreams ain't what they seem,
    In the hood walkin down the street,
    And in mah mind was an ongoin beat,


    Gunshots Sound

    I feel mah chest hit the ground,
    Clips drop and the beat in mah head stops,
    Another nigga just got shot,
    Mah heart drops and feels like it stops,
    I see the sirens flashin,
    Cops chasin the killers which were masked men,
    I get up and walk down the street,
    Only to see a body and all the blood leak,


    I See Mah Boy Face

    The men finally caught end of the chase,
    I want to cry or yell out,
    I try to open mah mouth but nothin comes out,
    Mah boy still bleedin,
    Rights still readin,
    One more soul that the hood still keepin,
    Men get handcuffed,
    Put in and door shut,
    Starin at the street while they ride to the cell block,
    I'm walkin home in shock,


    That's Mah Nigga That Just Got Popped

    Later on I see him in the obituaries,
    See the mugshots of both his adversaries,
    while I'm starin at the funeral date,
    sayin this is what the streets create,
    Last edited by detremental.; April 21st, 2006 at 03:07 PM

  2. #2
    Banned detremental.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Northside of Wilmington
    Age
    34
    Posts
    3,838
    Battle Record
    5-0
    can I have some good feedback on this. It's the first one I've tried.

  3. #3
    Banned detremental.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Northside of Wilmington
    Age
    34
    Posts
    3,838
    Battle Record
    5-0
    uppin need some feedback on it.

  4. #4
    Banned
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    2,812
    Battle Record
    54-7
    pretty nice man..i liked the layout of this drop....topic might be a lil played but still pretty nice.....ya rhymes were good most of the time not all that simple which is good, you could have had more multies but whatever.....imagery was aight i guess.....everything else was aight....so overall this was a good drop...keep it up...peace~ and check out my drop called emotions it should be one of the first drops on the OM page, thanks.

  5. #5
    Banned detremental.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Northside of Wilmington
    Age
    34
    Posts
    3,838
    Battle Record
    5-0
    thanx man. I saw your peace it was pretty good. uppin for more feedback.

  6. #6
    Banned detremental.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Northside of Wilmington
    Age
    34
    Posts
    3,838
    Battle Record
    5-0
    need more feedback on this. It's my first.

  7. #7
    Banned White Dice's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Columbus Ohio
    Age
    34
    Posts
    2,932
    Battle Record
    38-16
    i was feelin thi9s piece alot. i liked yo imagery. th etopic was played but u made it better bruh. u could have had sum more multies but w/e for this being only ur first OM it was pretty good. put u gotta drop sum links

  8. #8
    Banned detremental.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Northside of Wilmington
    Age
    34
    Posts
    3,838
    Battle Record
    5-0
    Quote Originally Posted by White Dice
    i was feelin thi9s piece alot. i liked yo imagery. th etopic was played but u made it better bruh. u could have had sum more multies but w/e for this being only ur first OM it was pretty good. put u gotta drop sum links
    drop links to what?

  9. #9

  10. #10
     
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    VA/MD
    Posts
    3,364
    Battle Record
    12-5
    I was feelin this fam...the topic was good n original and definantly felt ya emotion and what u were thinkin...ya put ya word together well too...definantly an iight drop...i would have liked to see more ..
    NCred aka Cyrious

  11. #11
    Banned detremental.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Northside of Wilmington
    Age
    34
    Posts
    3,838
    Battle Record
    5-0
    I'm going to probably drop another one soon. just seein if niggas is feelin me. thanx. uppin for more feedback.

  12. #12
     
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    VA/MD
    Posts
    3,364
    Battle Record
    12-5
    np fam...write a lil more n wurk on improing wit vocab
    NCred aka Cyrious

  13. #13
    Green Hour Madness Bounce's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    Los Angeles
    Posts
    12,156
    Battle Record
    3-0
    Awards WOP Champion
    You can tell this was your first attempt at topical. The read was very simplistic, and the topical never really showed itself. You need to work on writing to get your message across to the reader. This just did not hit that more, nothing stood out and the rhymce scheme used was very basic. You need more substance in your verse, improve the content and work on things like imagery, emotion, assonance and meter. The rhymes were lacking here, you could improve them. Just work on attackign your topic int he most original way possible and use better word chioce. You got a ways to go, but atleast you have the site to help you along the way.

    [YOUTUBE]Av7yOXafS40?hd=1[/YOUTUBE]
    "World Class War" Official Music Video
    We can use all the views we can get, please support the Father/Daughter movement in hip hop. Do us a favor and post on your Facebook walls and such. Thank you


    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  14. #14
    Banned detremental.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Northside of Wilmington
    Age
    34
    Posts
    3,838
    Battle Record
    5-0
    thanx for the feedback and advice from Shellz and Bounce. I will work to improve. just a little more feedback and I'll be straight.

  15. #15
    Banned
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Cashville
    Age
    36
    Posts
    816
    Battle Record
    3-4
    Good write man hood shit...like bounce said up there..the topic didnt really show itself...it shouldnt have been street dreams more like Dreams of a Fatal Progression or somethin..good rhyming wordplay all that stuff...we would be glad to do a collab with you son..you got ain aim?

Similar Threads

  1. shattered dreams (shattering dreams)
    By Lambragini in forum Closed Battles
    Replies: 16
    Last Post: February 11th, 2006, 11:14 AM
  2. Street Disciple VS. Pure$street$004
    By Jackie Moon in forum Closed Battles
    Replies: 16
    Last Post: October 27th, 2005, 10:56 PM
  3. Fabolous-Street Dreams FULL ALBUM REVIEW
    By Mindset in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: June 26th, 2003, 01:00 AM
  4. sex-a-me street (sesame street diss)
    By Sureal in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 15
    Last Post: May 25th, 2003, 11:57 AM

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •