Punchline Pen

[warchild]

Im always under the influence cause being sober is a stunt
I smoke so much green you'd think i had yoda in my blunt
Living legit is an enemy but truth be told sin is a friend
My rhymes are so hard you'd think id put viagra into my pen
I say fuck the bible, fuck god, fuck jesus, fuck heaven i invite the doom
Im full of more illegal substances than river pheonix dying outside the viper room
Where i come from throats are slashed girls are raped crooks are sinning
But im charming, you couldnt make a bitch wet if you took her swimming
My sanity is dormant but my dementia is full blown
I murder my many foes with a pencil you pull chrome
Im a volatile rap veteran so visciously i'll maul you rookies
My rhymes are more suprising than a bomb in a fortune cookie
Excuse my excessive expressions im extremely insane it's not a joke
Im making rappers more worried than prisoners who drop the soap
I dont create spontaneous drama i purposely time beef
Most of you mcs are more faker than a thug without a crime sheet
You may think your tough or a badass but believe im the worst one
Your the type to get killed robbing a bank with a fucking nerf gun
Call my name out i'll laugh for a minute then i might yawn
Then the beef will get more hairy than german dyke porn

[K.Gee]

Although i do it myself, Streched lines and short lines dong always reach the umm full potential a song could have. I did like your comparisons/metaphors like "Most of you mcs are more faker than a thug without a crime sheet." I also like the lines

"You may think your tough or a badass but believe im the worst one
Your the type to get killed robbing a bank with a fucking nerf gun"

Good Work

[warchild]

Links:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=205281
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=205051

[warchild]

Thanks for the feed, i thought my yoda line was dope 2.
Uppin a bit more feed would be appreciated.

[EyeBite]

alright..... this was really good... exept the rhymes were simple and not that good.... the title was ok..... it didnt realy catch my attention but i ust read it becuz it was short.. anywayz...... the strucutre was good... the flow was alright... keep it up and keep elevating and keep improving... good job and have a good day

[sILLable]

not bad....rhymes were simple...your piece started off weak and picked up in tha middle then got weak again at the end......your vocab was aiight..couldve came a bit stronger...your lines were stretched a bit......not much complexity...you need multis and a solid topic/story....keep elevatin and droppin.~1`

[MonStar]

Pretty good drop...Flow wasn't bad but it could have been a little better...Structure was ok but some of the lines seemed a little stretched...Vocab wasn't bad, could have been a little better but then again it didn't really hurt the piece either way...Content was good as you had a lot of nice wordplay...I found some of the punches to be pretty humorous so it made for an interesting read...Pretty good drop overall...If you want to return the favor and leave some feedback then check out either of the links in my sig...

[warchild]

I appreciate the feed, the flow is on point in this verse you just need to read it properly there is multies in there but not as many as i usually write this was just a bunch of punches and metaphors i had written and i just put them all together. If you wanna read my best post with mad flow and multies reply to this thread:

The Real Me
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=205329

[CrazyCarl]

^That link is to this thread.
I feel you though about having random concepts that you want to put to use. This piece was worth reading since there were some funny lines I enjoyed. The main focus was on the punchlines, but the first lines in the couplet were solid. Having something to do with the following line, they weren't just filler to get you to the rhyme you needed. If you didn't already have lines that you wanted to put into the piece, I would have expected more outer multis. The wordplay was meant to be the strength though.

[sl!ck]

nice structure, your rhyme scheme is tight but you had a good amount of stretched lines.

i wasn't feeling too many of your punchlines though, they were mostly weak and crappy statements, but all is good, this was still a tight drop

"You may think your tough or a badass but believe im the worst one
Your the type to get killed robbing a bank with a fucking nerf gun"
best line i thought...

overall: 7.5/10

[warchild]

Shit i did post up the wrong link.
This is one of the best verses ive wrote mad flow and multies.
The Real Me:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=193694

[T-H-C]

this was a nice drop, the structure and rhymes sceme was nice, but the flow was off. your vocab was alrite, something you can expand on. your punches werent the best, some kinda sucked imo, but there were a couple good ones.

"Im always under the influence cause being sober is a stunt
I smoke so much green you'd think i had yoda in my blunt"
that was probably my fav. line

good job, and keep at it...

[warchild]

Thanks for the feed, like i said this was just a basic verse just a bunch of old rhymes slung together my next post will be hotter guaranteed.

[-Mindscribe-]

The punchlines were good, i mean average but if you just threw it together thats expected. Multis are good. The lines looked kinda long,but if you rappin it fast that would sound good. Not hella good, it didn't blow me away, but not bad though.
6/10.

[The Asylum]

You had a few lines that were above average..
However you also had a few played conecepts..
Flow was nothing to shake a stick at.. But..
Since it was punchline type ish.. who cares..?
Crime sheet line made me laugh.. Props for that..
Decent ish.. Nothing bad.. Nothing great..

Ps.. This fella above me that said your multies are good is an idiot.. There were none.