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Thread: Schizophrenic

  1. #1
    Anomaly
    Guest

    Schizophrenic

    My old vision escaped my grasp
    Put on a fake mask to cover my new eyes to make them last
    Is this truly me, behind these black sheets that block the sun
    Or is this fake another fling I do for 8 hours worth of fun
    I don’t hate me I hate him, my 3rd persona that will never learn to swim
    To shy to jump to much potential to waste
    Like I can draw but I still trace
    2nd persona got me into trouble
    Dead bodies everywhere underneath the rubble
    From dimes to police binds, master minds hoes and nines
    Smoking weed at 8, doing lines at 9
    From 8pm to 4am im a Killer with motives
    See out of focus think im driving a metro but really drivin a lotus
    Oh…Persona switch 1st guy comes out
    Goes home gets a brief case walks with his lungs out
    Goes to work, eyes some people and feeling alive
    But knowing in a few hours from his mind a new personality will derive
    3 Different personalities in one body which one should I choose
    man…its 8 o’clock, time to go back to number 2...

    Comments=appreciated, just drop a link to wat you want feedback on and ill get at it...

  2. #2
    Go Go Power Rangers
    Guest
    it moves around places from one verse to another and back to that same verse, but nice wording tho

  3. #3
    Banned
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Location
    Mifflinburg, PA
    Posts
    6,693
    Battle Record
    12-1
    You need to leave 2 links to 2 open mics that you left decent feedback on or this gets closed, Thanks.

  4. #4
    Go Go Power Rangers
    Guest
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=156649

    vote for my battle against 'the hands of god''

  5. #5

  6. #6
    The » Way
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Posts
    4,162
    Battle Record
    34-19
    i didint like your sturcutre some streached lines then some really short... so made it a lil hard to flow with... not bad though prob your your first om... keep at it got some good potential...

    check out losing hope...

  7. #7
    Anomaly
    Guest
    thnx for the comments...uppin.....................

  8. #8
    Anomaly
    Guest
    uppin.............................................

  9. #9
    redruM. Cinquix Incision's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Detroit City
    Posts
    2,882
    Battle Record
    9-6
    uppin* do it one time
    "ya i see you nigguhs mean muggin on poarches, unload that clip and watch em scatter like roaches"
    ima foo wit it! girl gimme dat pussy i kno wut to do wit it!

    I AINT NO BITCH!

  10. #10
    p!acid Johnny C.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Cincinnati
    Age
    37
    Posts
    725
    Battle Record
    8-11
    hey man, i kinda liked this, cuz i know some ppl who feel like they got split personalities. it's a lot like that.. but no killin. overall, i was happy with the rhyming that happened, and it all made sense, too. good job.

  11. #11
    gas couldn't choke me!!! The Jew's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    ...
    Posts
    282
    Battle Record
    6-3
    simple rhymes is certain places but over all, not bad
    Meat

  12. #12
    Anomaly
    Guest
    yea thnx for the comments...appreciated

  13. #13
    Tha Burnin Sensation 2hot2handle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    illinois
    Posts
    2,047
    Battle Record
    1-17
    You can have better wordplay but a good start. Work on structure and better vocab. You used the words in an aight way and the flow was a little choppy but almost hung on to it. Keep it up.

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    "I look to a day when people will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character."

    - Martin Luther King Jr.


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    View this from last year^

  14. #14
    Banned
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    oregon
    Age
    38
    Posts
    229
    Battle Record
    2-4
    i thought it was pretty good and flowed well, it just needs a little better structure. maybe some better vocab, but overall it was pretty good, keep it up

  15. #15
    Anomaly
    Guest
    up...thnx for the feed back.............................

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