Alone

[JONESY_UK]

[CENTER]
Alone

I ly awake in my bed all these lonely nightz
Wishing I had homies to back me up when I got in fightz
I cant handle bein on my own, ive suffed enough
I aint got no family, living alone is tough
No one to love me, no one to share my laughs
To keep me happy all I have is my written paragraphs
My verses keep my going, I write what I feel
My pen, my pad they show me how to be real.
Rollin around my town, now that shit brings me down
Seein brothers and sisters, boyz and girls.
I wish I had a honie to love, I’d buy here gold and pearls.
But all I have is my daydreams and my thoughts
If I had three wishes it wouldn’t be money, big houses, fast cars and yachts
I would wish for my dad, my mother and my brother to be here
But wishes aint real, the real deal is me, alone in my house with my eyes wet with a tear




http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=119611

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=118954

[MuhThugga]

Okay, I can see the emotion in your piece...that is one thing that you do have.

However, much of the rhyming is forced, for example:
Seein brothers and sisters, boyz and girls.
I wish I had a honie to love, I’d buy here gold and pearls.
But all I have is my daydreams and my thoughts
If I had three wishes it wouldn’t be money, big houses, fast cars and yachts

Not to mention that the structure is off and therefore hinders the flow of the piece.

Work on:
Vocabulary - It is not to make you sound smart or more credible, but expanding your vocabulary opens up a whole new world to new end rhymes and multi's and can allow you to find that special word that fits more perfectly

Structure - Structure and end rhymes go hand-in-hand. If you force the end rhymes then the structure will more than likely be bad. A syllable count for each line can help you maintain a structure, but it is not necessary and can prove to be quite tedious. With a little practice you'll be able to write a flawless structure. All in good time, my friend.

Rhyming - End rhymes are seen as a key essential in RB Open Mics and I don't know why. Sure, it sounds nice when the rhyme fits, but end rhymes are not essential for an open mic. Maybe you'd like to try and venture into that branch of writing. However, if you feel that you want to use end rhymes, then please, do not force them. When I say forced rhyming, I mean that you either:
1. Almost reword an entire sentence just to make the last word rhyme
ex: "And I realized I had almost been caught/ 'Damn' is what I thought/"
2. Lengthen the entire line just so that an end rhyme can finally be incorporated.
ex: "But all I have is my daydreams and my thoughts
If I had three wishes it wouldn’t be money, big houses, fast cars and yachts"

You usually suffer from number 2 the most. The rhymes have to be natural sounding, and I can't tell you how to acquire this with a "How To" essay, it is something you must practice and learn on your own.

[JONESY_UK]

thanx for takin some time to help me out man, im always lookin to improve my verses and when i have replys like that it helps ALOT. i know i need to work on my vocab alot, and i am workin hard to improve that.

thanx again man, and keep lookin out for my other verses ill drop more soon
peace

[Mistral]

Closed, the first link was to a battle of yours...Follow the rules.