No Apologies.

[Soule]

I grabbed my clothes and threw them in a bag. You were just another hoe that I had to have. Like a boy at the toy store. I had to pay to have this whore. If you want to come back to me, dont dare to knock. Because around the tick of the clock is a powerful block. A memory that was given to me as a present for you're ignorence. Non-sense was the topic I brought to the presence. The words you said in front of our daughter was un-needed. I wish that I pleaded but I've bleeded more then was needed. The hatred was painful for our daughter to hear, left her in fear. "Mommy is daddy ever going to be here"? "Sorry honey but dad was corupted by fear".

No apologies, flow out my mouth and travel out to you. Hearing me shout like a corupted fool. No apologies, stream down my mind like a blind man walking through time. No apologies, my daughter accepts non at all. Now you have to watch me fall. No Apologies

I walked out that doorway hopeing you'd go away. The dreams of her screams make it so I can never forget you and it burns me. Hurts me that she lives this life just for us to survive. Its unacceptable, un-barible. She cries at night, why must we fight.? Dont you see what you're putting her through? I can't believe what you're friends have turned you into. I cant believe the shit you're saying now. But right now I have one word to ask.."How?". How could you do this to me and her? Going from lover to bitter wife and mother. I can't believe the decision's you've made lately, why hurt her and why hate me?

No apologies, flow out my mouth and travel out to you. Hearing me shout like a corupted fool. No apologies, stream down my mind like a blind man walking through time. No apologies, my daughter accepts non at all. Now you have to watch me fall. No Apologies!

Now you've taken my house, child and car next my money. My life was dead long ago but you still gave me something. A reason to try and stay alive. But you killed it as soon as you could, I figured you would. But now I give you no property leaving with no apologies.

[Soule]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=320786
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=320559

Leave feedback now.!

[Nguyen]

First, so the reader can read your verse better, make your bars shorter. Dont type in paragrahs as well. Type it like this:

Hello there I'm making a rap
After this I'm taking a nap

Peep other people's pieces on this. This is a very intresting and creative story as well. Put in metaphors and smilies for imagry, and multis to improve your ryhme and flow.

[DOC]

"Now you've taken my house, child and car next my money"..

Lol..why is It the Bitches Get Everything All the Time??...lol..someone Explain that.. Not right Man ..Not right..

Nice Drop.. Stroy Telling Time I See this As.. True Story.. Or Made up??..Either Way.. Different.. Great Feel.. At One point I Was thinking I Could Be As the Charracter..I think The Word Usage Could Have Been A Bit More Ellaborated.. But It's your Story Use It How you Please.. but still ..Good Drop..

[Soule]

Fuck off Nygun or w/e you're name is kid. I've been on this site for nearly two years and was testing the story type structre. Telling me how to write, pelase .

Thankyou for the feedback.

[Atti]

.. he's right, drop the ego man.

[Soule]

Ego?

[NiNjah Red]

yeah for real B. i'm saying this aint really working as an OM for me.a story.YES. but there is a storyboard on RB far as i know. dont know if its any good. i wanna seem some flow and metre and an artistic form of structure when i read an OM........

other than that seemed like a good introduction to a story but not an amzing or mind blowing plot. so as a story would need developing somewhat


check this 1

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=321884

[Sir Skiddz SoPhrenic]

this is different and it warrents enough points for it, but the story didnt really do much to me, you should have spent more time trying to develop the story, if you wanted to write it in such a way. Its a plot thats done before in a different way, which is pretty cool and it was an exceptional piece, just seemed a little rushed to me.

[Syk.iLL]

Structure just made it a bit difficult to read. I felt this was inspired by Eminem's No Apologies. I really liked the diction in your piece because it felt very natural and it accomodated the prose like structure of the piece. But I felt like this story is one of those that has been heard many times before. Thats my only real complaint. Nice experiment with style but overall should be avoided in a rhythmic piece.

[niggerican]

Never write it like that again. Other than that, it wasn't a bad piece really.

[Amor Jones]

Ego?

Ego-the “I” or self of any person; a person as thinking, feeling, and willing, and distinguishing itself from the selves of others and from objects of its thought

there u go

[Paze]

First, so the reader can read your verse better, make your bars shorter. Dont type in paragrahs as well. Type it like this:

Hello there I'm making a rap
After this I'm taking a nap

Peep other people's pieces on this. This is a very intresting and creative story as well. Put in metaphors and smilies for imagry, and multis to improve your ryhme and flow.

I dont agree with that. This is his style of writing.

[Ink Edible]

Ehh...
The structure was atrocious...Eww...

But besides that it was a ok story...Not very interesting and it didin't keep me entertained...Very simply written...Not enough detail or description and the rhymes were very easy and boring...

There just wasn't much substance to this...Your metaphors and such were poor as well
Such as:
"Like a boy at the toy store. I had to pay to have this whore. "
^Blah...