Escaping Death

[Mariah]

Escaping Death



Late nights all our we've got, sleepless days forever
Dreaded foes - I hated those who brought the pain
Making it through the day as tomorrow seems never
Severe sufferage such as my heart cannot contain

'Why has the LORD our God done all these things to us?'
then you shall say to them, 'As you have forsaken
Me and served foreign gods in your land, so you
will serve strangers in a land that is not yours.'

Slaving the day for them as my brow fills with sweat
Now my head lifted up waiting on another to listen
I need someone to lean on, but I get a post to rest
God show me why - why did you give me existence
Serving for the wrong kind, but our leaders - ruthless
Can't get out, bo what's the use in giving the effort
Lost and confused, betwixing reality with what truth is
Can't take the pain, leaving madness as all I can exhort

'Teach me your way, O LORD lead me in a level path
Do not deliver me over...witnesses have risen against me'

And then in that instant, I blanked and then I saw my
Lord coming towards me, surrounded by bright lights
So in actuality, death can't be escaped, but know this
A good deed never goes on unrewrded, God applauds it.

[Mariah]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=316200
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=316198

[Engineer]

this was a good piece, you had an outstanding flow with was smooth and had me feeling the message you were trying to portray, your vocabulary was great, and your structure was brilliant too The emotion was there too, dam, I was feeling this piece from beggining to end

Overall, a wonderful piece here Mariah Kudos to you and congratulations.

You're gunna win that battle Lol.

RTF on "Through Whispering Words" - Cheers.

[Mariah]

thanks Theory...uppin guys

[Engineer]

RTF

Lol.

[Split.]

hrmm.. I'm not a big fan of the "take a picture and write about it" thing... only because most of the time people make it so impersonal. The words may be great, but it just always seems forced. Same goes for this. Not trying to be mean or anything, just honest. The problem with someone in our day and age writing about the holocaust is that they never experienced the holocaust, at most, they've heard stories from grandparents and the like. Impersonal. Maybe next time, take the picture you have, and try to relate it to something in YOUR life, then put that into words... so instead of being straight forward and writing about the feelings of those people in the picture, you're using metaphore to explain your feelings, to explore yourself. well, that's my feed, lol. Good job though for what you were doing.

[Ace of Aces]

nice write. imagery was strong, meaning was there, and you got the point across. the message was clear and the length concise. a bit more technique to this could do the verse wonders. also, although the emotion was there like i said, i felt it could be exaggerated a bit more, most of it seemed apathetic to the topic, religious excerpts have a huge window of opportunity to pour out your heart. evoked well, and nicely written. good job.

peACE

[~Mansin~]

this was really interesting to me as i have just seen a newscast
on the passage you have used

'As you have forsaken Me and served foreign gods in your land,
so you will serve strangers in a land that is not yours.'

it was on Jewish people against having a homeland (Israel) anyway
back to your piece, you have a good sense of vocab, meaning you
elevated were you needed to and just eased into it when appropriate,
you had emotion and imagery, but tbh i would of liked a bit more,
this could be just due to the length of the piece, i think when dealing
with this subject matter you need to be carefull, as the pain and sufferin
and sense of hoplessness is somthing that can not easily be portayed,
it really needs the full attention of the writer, and i think you have only
scratched the surface, no hate its obvious you have talent, just my opinion
keep rippin those scripts...

if you got time here is a link to one of minez...peace

keep rippin those scripts...

if you got time here is a link to one of minez...peace

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=316236

srry edited link

[Tim]

This was a very good piece the topics been done before but it really worked well with your abab rhymescheme imagery was strong, and the meaning of the holocaust was there split. did have a point about you not being there but then again its a topical piece and most the things you write are of course not going to be true if you loook this shit up but for taking it for what it was a story i felt you did a good job getting your point across really havent read any of your stuff so i get tell if its a step forward or back id say by your age its a step forwards so props.

peep mine
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=316247

[Laureate]

Replied to this in FL but heres a more detailed feed
ok, i thought this was pretty good
In your first line "all our" should be 'are all', "sufferage" should be 'suffering' because "Sufferage" is not a word I don't think, unless you meant 'suffrage' like the right to vote....and "betwixing" should be 'betwixt', no ing... "unrewrded" = 'unrewarded'

but enough of the nit picky stuff, the emotion ruled this piece, although I can't say I am a fan of the picture, I feel that including a picture lessons the writers ability to portray imagery because it leaves nothing up to the readers imagination, Your rhyme scheme was nicely done, as a tip, try adding some more language such as metaphors or alliteration or internal rhyming to further strengthen your writing. This is a good start, I'll look for more of your work in the future.


if you could please
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=316249

[Lauren.]

I liked this piece actually. Even though I've seen this topic before, this one stood out to me because of your emotion and imagery. It was kind of short, but what you had was good. Your flow was on key and your vocab fit the piece. Your complexity was okay, but I really liked the italicized parts. The picture fit the piece very well, and the piece as a whole was very well done

[Mariah]

Thanks...uppin

[Mariah]

uppin

[Brasilz Finezt]

this was pretty good....but like split said, i don't like the "take a picture and write about it" objective....i learned that if ur writing sumthing u want ppl 2 see, u have to give over the edge details that are more "showing" than "telling" so ppl would get the idea of what u r sayin....its like a picture from ur mind to my mind.....
and u showed it wit these lines....

Slaving the day for them as my brow fills with sweat
Now my head lifted up waiting on another to listen

And then in that instant, I blanked and then I saw my
Lord coming towards me, surrounded by bright lights

this wasn't so bad but i thought u could've added more detail cuz even without the picture, i'm not sure exactly where u were tryin 2 take ur point....however it was still a good write, great emotion, nice concepts
i'd rate this a 7/10
keep it up....
~1