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Thread: Unfair Death

  1. #1
    Swing Life Away Wireless's Avatar
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    Unfair Death



    October 16th, 1964

    "This has to be done, Christopher...it's for your own good. It will hurt, but it will only take a minute"

    "Nurse Taylor? I really don't think this should be followed through upon"

    "It's an order...I have to."



    Throughout life, it seems that I've been labeled and scorned
    When my parents perished in a car wreck, I was the only one that mourned
    Orphanage became my domain, at the tender age of eight
    Trouble with authority, foster parents and the state


    School never appealed, just seemed a long drag
    Being myself and insulting people were the only thing I had
    People around me didn't understand, thought I was mental
    Foster parents wouldn't support me, so then I began to swindle

    Old ladies and younger boys, yes, i chose them as my prey
    It worked out nicely, i averaged 70 dollars a day
    But then one hazy afternoon I was caught
    So a punishment for my horrible crimes was sought


    The judge didn't understand, his life was pircture perfect
    On the other hand, I didn't have love, money, or respect...I had to earn it
    But to earn something, I had to work, but I was still a minor
    But I thought I would get away easy ; I was a first- timer

    But the judge was harsh and malicious, sentenced me to something terrible
    Because to people who knew of it, Electro Shock Therapy was unbearable
    But I now find my self on this cold metal table
    Being prodded around like a prize horse in his stable


    I begin to perspire on my white hospital gown
    Then feel my hands, to the table they're tied down
    I now feel something on my head, and begin to sadly cry
    Begging the lord for forgiveness, for i am sure I will die



    March 11th, 1965

    "Judge Greenfield. What do you have to say for yourself?

    "Sir, he was a problem child. He deserved to have this treatment performed on him...THIS KID DESERVED WHAT HE GOT...HE DESERVED IT"

    * CROWD ERRUPTS IN A SHOCKED CHATTER"

    " ORDER IN THE COURT, ORDER IN THE COURT..."

    March 13th, 1965

    " We sir, find the defendant guilty on the charge of 1st degree murder. He will be sentenced to life without parole."
    Last edited by Wireless; April 28th, 2006 at 09:44 AM

    Mondo Thugs l The Truth


    If I'm too simple, then you just dont get the basics.

  2. #2
    Swing Life Away Wireless's Avatar
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    Mondo Thugs l The Truth


    If I'm too simple, then you just dont get the basics.

  3. #3
    Swing Life Away Wireless's Avatar
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    up.

    Mondo Thugs l The Truth


    If I'm too simple, then you just dont get the basics.

  4. #4
    You've Earned a Custom Title! xPunisheRx's Avatar
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    NO FEED? Damn this was a nice drop, I mean flow wasnt really there much but
    I found your vocab and wording was excilent.. you had some good wordplay an
    you followed topic really well props man keep it happerning

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    My tongue tackled many men with my skill
    Who'd of thought my tongue was ready to kill
    You better lay still- its hunting a meal
    Leaving bodys in ice rack its it nature to chill
    Leaving you top E "so maybe" ya'l die by ta pill
    So many victums the piles got as big as a hill
    ...Punisher...

  5. #5
    Binary I
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    ^
    agreed. omg.

    such good transitions...one syllables made me say ughh on the rhyme scheme, but still.

    the combination of text and rhyme was genius...i never seen somethin so fluid here.

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  6. #6
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Wireless this was a pretty good drop, i liked your vocab, it was good for your age, there could have been alot of wordplay added into this piece and it would have sounded/read alot better, but other than that the imagery was nice and creative, i could see wat was goin on and how his life was as a foster child tryin to fend for himself, the storyline was nice also the way you went about it how he first started and how he ended up. the thing that made me mad wasnt how u wrote it but it was what the kid had to go thru after wat the judge found out, electric chair, kinda harsh, but yo this was overall good, and your doin alot better, keep it up.

    Plz leave feed on OM called "Love..Or Is It Just Me" in my sig
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  7. #7
    Swing Life Away Wireless's Avatar
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    I will...^

    Yeah, elctro shock therapy was a method used in the 50s and 60s...people thought they could cure a troubled or a kid with bad behavior by doing something reffered to ass "Electro Shock Therapy"..similar to the electric chair..

    Mondo Thugs l The Truth


    If I'm too simple, then you just dont get the basics.

  8. #8
    Swing Life Away Wireless's Avatar
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    Mondo Thugs l The Truth


    If I'm too simple, then you just dont get the basics.

  9. #9
    Swing Life Away Wireless's Avatar
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    to the top.

    Mondo Thugs l The Truth


    If I'm too simple, then you just dont get the basics.

  10. #10
    Keep It Trill keywerd's Avatar
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    I felt I liked how easily the story was told, but it was rushed...you could've used more lines to make it more clear, and you could've used alot more on imagery.

    But vocab was good, and flow needs work.

    Overall 5/10.
    ...Keep It Trill...
    Fucc what a nigga gotta say
    Fucc what a cracca gotta say
    Fucc what a bitch gotta say
    Fucc what a tricc gotta say
    Fucc what a pimp gotta say
    Fucc what a player, AND a hater gotta say.

  11. #11
    Swing Life Away Wireless's Avatar
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    Mondo Thugs l The Truth


    If I'm too simple, then you just dont get the basics.

  12. #12
    Abraxas
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    Nice OM. The imagery was pretty good. I like how you dated it. It shows good creativity on a good story. The emotion was very good. I thought you could've made the title more creative but that's just meh. So the vocab was iight. But it still caught some attention in my eyes.
    So overall great peice. 7.6/10
    Please feedback on my OM
    The Conscience Struggle
    Percept Shun

  13. #13
    Swing Life Away Wireless's Avatar
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    to the top...

    Mondo Thugs l The Truth


    If I'm too simple, then you just dont get the basics.

  14. #14
    Swing Life Away Wireless's Avatar
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    rise motherfuckers...

    Mondo Thugs l The Truth


    If I'm too simple, then you just dont get the basics.

  15. #15
    You've earned a custom title! Cody Nash's Avatar
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    fairly decent. again, not the best but good. it had a real odd subject to trail upon, you deffinatly wrote to it well though. i liked the whole hospital theme and stuff. i'm not a big fan of the before and after captions but they helped out a little. some of your stuff seemed like filler, like you didn't know what to write but overall it seems really well written. could've gone better with your internals and ish, but you sketched out the scenary pretty well. not a perfect piece but good.

    !Nash

    Hit my "Medicated Corpses" ..

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