Irony infused with Sorrow, Love, and Rage...

[Born To Kill]

Irony Infused with Sorrow, Love, and Rage...

When I see the glowing, I'm knowing...
Transformation's drawing near...
Sketching such a painful portrait...
Illumination now brings fear.

It starts off with a tiny light, far off in the distance...
Shimmering and dancing against the night, triggering my condition.
The apparition, like a magician, intoxicates my vision...
And without permission, hits the ignition that starts the demolition.

Slow corrosion? Not in my case...damage rises alarmingly...
Like an explosion behind my face, forcing me to do harm to me.
Take to roads, spinning tires...acid breath from too much booze...
While my rage gauge overloads from the fires of being abused.

So screwed am I feeling, when just earlier I was content...
But the light has a hidden meaning, and it no longer wants to pretend.
That it doesn't control this vessel, this body and brain of mine...
It seems my soul is nestled in a domain I thought I'd left behind.

S'been 3 years, 9 months, and 22 days since fate sent it's hate...
In the form of a Ford doing 74 and no longer driving straight.
He was irate with chemical weight, and his drink was spiked...
Bringing death on meth to my beautiful daughter as she rode her bike.

Try as I might, to go on with life; something my baby can't do...
In a casket closed while I'm in sorrow's throes and the pain only accrues.
It's true to think I'm at my brink, doing exactly what killed my girl...
I just can't maintain the horrible pain, it warps everything in my world.

It makes me hurl, throw up everything; now I sit covered in hot bile...
While the pedal smothers the metal...then I see a tot's smile.
Far ahead of me, but not far enough; my engine's wound too high...
So instead of braking I end up making...a decision, then close my eyes.

Didn't wanna see what happened next, but now I know I broke my neck...
When I swerved over the curb, and hit the telephone pole direct.
I inspect my surroundings, attempt floundering, but movement won't happen...
So I have to dictate my verse to a nurse for this to come across as rappin.

Bottom line, sorrow sucks...it'll consume and eat a dude...
Cuz losing a child simply ain't something any parent's due.
But before I go, lemme let you know...just how far this story goes...
The boy I nearly hit came to visit...
Said an angel watches over him...and that my daughter says hello.


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=232345

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=232338

[TProphet]

Very nice Born...


The opening stanza set this up beutifully and all the way through the flow of reading was great

I dont know wether this is a true story or not but from the emotion in this piece it looks like your telling from experiences, which should compliment you on how good emotion is if its not true...

The last line finished it nicely as should always be done ofcourse

Nice piece

Feed on this?
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...45#post3150045

[BAM BAM]

agree with prophet
shit was well written, well structured and wordplay was gd
good job

[Born To Kill]

Man...how in the fuck are you gonna sleep on this???

[Undissable]

agree with Bam Bam..............
9.4543646/10 =)

vocab was on point

[Mastermind3030]

The rhymes were better than the actual story. I think you can do better.

I should slap the fuckin shit outta you! - BTK

[warchild]

This was a really dope piece, the concept was original and real dark.
The story switched up between the bars i thought i got what the story was gonna be about after the first four bars but then you flipped it and went off into a different storyline and that was real impressive to me a lot of oms just tell a basic story in the same way it just gets too predictable.
But this piece just kept me reading your imagery was really descriptive and dark, i write similar pieces but i gotta be real and say this was just brilliant makes my shit seem average imagery wise. Your vocab is strong but you dont overuse it like a lot of writers in om you werent just putting big words together for the sake of it it was just describing your emotions feelings and actions of the others in the story it was dope.
This line really described what a persons mind state would be like if the situation you wrote about was real:
'It starts off with a tiny light, far off in the distance
'Shimmering and dancing agaisnt the night, triggering my condition'
^Just real nice lines good emotion draws you into the rest of the story.
too many nice li8nes in this piece for me to quote them all.
I like when stories have a twist at the end and yours did with the dead little boy visiting you and telling you your daughter said hello you couldnt of ended the verses better. I wouldnt say this was critiscm but i think your pieces would be even more dope maybe if you mixed in some multies/internals obviously you know what these are but like i said this was dope couldnt hate on anything.

Oh i think the reason a lot of people sleep on your pieces is cause maybe cause you dont return the feed. I know theres a lot of shit writers in OM but i think i got some skills can you return the feed on my piece id appreciate some feed off you, peace.

Know My Name Now?
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=232302

[Verbal Precision]

very very impressive piece..emotion was good imagery was on point and very discriptive i like the switch in storyline it was unpredicitable therefore worked in your favour...this was a very long piece but still i read it and enjoyed it due to the fact you wrote it so well..i didnt find it boring like i do most long piece's which was impressive in its own right..very nice piece...keep dropping


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=232603
^^please hit that its not an OM its a poem but feed would still be very much appreciated thankz

[Edicius]

I will edit this with an indepth reply tomorrow, cause you catched me at a bad time.. im about to go offline..

but i will reply later.

[Antonio Banderas]

This drop is at the top of the chain. The words you chose to give the audience of visual concept of what is happening in this piece are amazing. This written is composed of a lot of great elements that will make this piece truely rememarble...

Excellent Drop...

[Brandon Heat]

nice text drop old man...


my suggestion to you... stop posting in Open Mic... go to the poetical section...










Open Mic = wackness...


This = something I'd collab with... or atleast produce if you ever got your punk ass a mic and recorded...







all in all imagery good... not really sure how you would make this into a song or anything but fuck that... I liked... You make me wanna leave the one I'm with...

[$pitacular]

damn. this is one of your better pieces for sure

these four lines were especially strong:

Slow corrosion? Not in my case...damage rises alarmingly...
Like an explosion behind my face, forcing me to do harm to me.
Take to roads, spinning tires...acid breath from too much booze...
While my rage gauge overloads from the fires of being abused.

there's alot of emotion and depth in this... I like the way the rhythm kept me reading.. I almost never read an entire OM this long.. I definitely read this one in it's entirety..

this had me like damn:

ut before I go, lemme let you know...just how far this story goes...
The boy I nearly hit came to visit...
Said an angel watches over him...and that my daughter says hello.

*chills*

Legends...
pz

[$pitacular]

oh but a title change, is a MUST

it needs to be a little more abstract maybe, at least not such a description..

pz

[Born To Kill]

What should I change it to?

And thanks, everyone...the feedback is really appreciated.

[Mr W.Rite]

dam born this shit was dope as hell man..
i am not too big on open mics..but i was really feelin this shit..
even though the ending wasnt as bad as the rest of the story i am hoping
this didnt happen to you..i really felt the pain, regret and sorrow in this piece
it was deep...the word selection was on point, and the rhyme scheme was perfect..
wasnt to long, but long enuff to get the point across...

very interesting piece here man...it was truly one of your best...