User Tag List

Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast
Showing results 1 to 15 of 18

Thread: Story Of Hansel And Grettle

  1. #1
    T.P
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Age
    36
    Posts
    1,500
    Battle Record
    1-0

    Story Of Hansel And Grettle

    My Story is Mellow, two kids wondering if they will see tomorrow
    Life unsettled, this is the story of Hansel and Grettel
    Ever since they were young the story been sorrow
    Growing up broke with no male role model
    A horrible destiny fate chose them to follow
    Daddy had left them. Left them alone
    All they got is each other…undying souls
    Together they are strong, together they are bold
    Their situation is cold and that is where this story unfolds

    It was a dark Manchester Night in the middle of Winter
    The look from the mother was far from sinister
    They sat on bare wooden floors pickin out splinters
    Open wood fire in the middle of the room
    Vaguely reflecting their emotional gloom
    Mummy used to go on with herself wishing Grettel wasn’t a Daughter
    Bring some pennies in like Hansel but they still live off bread and water
    Hansel used to go out every night selling drugs on the corner
    Bring a bit of paper in their lives make it seem warmer
    One night he came home must have been two in the morning
    His face was a state his clothes were ripped so his mum new it was important
    His flesh was cut his eyes and nose runny
    She disregarded her son and screamed where’s the money
    His head hung low and he cried disgracefully
    She folded her fingers and smacked him distastefully
    Basically, Hansel new he had to go so he went to kiss his younger sister
    Told her to be a good girl told her he loved her and how much he’ll miss her
    And promised in maybe a year or two I’d come back for you
    He whispered in her ear to mum be grateful
    Remember it was her that loved and raised you
    Her look was disdainful she wanted to come too
    Her mum kicked down the door so hansel opened the window and lunged through…

    Looking back with reminiscence on childish innocence
    Growing up illiterate plagued with ignorance
    Not knowing about murder rape and economy
    Good for nothing but what is alarming is that they want to live in harmony
    Blissful are those that don’t realise what devils await them
    A cross road in life one way divinity the other satin
    You can believe the fallacy but this is the reality
    How can you wake up from a nightmare when it’s actually normality?

    Hansel was kicking stones wandering what was he to do
    Since he was robbed and beaten up he was a bitch in the eyes of his crew
    There was a place he used to go whenever him and his sister were in trouble
    To tell her she is safe and to say the words I love you
    The willow leaves of the trees sheltered him from the breeze
    A society of corruption and greed and he will never be freed
    He curled up tight feeling his cuts sweat
    The wind howled like a melody and the beat was the foot steps
    Unaware of the background instrumental until the wind settled
    He felt tiny vibrations off the bench metal, he glanced up and saw a figure it was Grettle
    Screaming what are you doing till she stopped moving
    Her eyelids shut and she fell to the floor
    Her head smashed into the ground gripped by gravity’s claws
    Hansel jumped up thinking the worst
    Her mouth was cut and bruised and she was bleeding down her skirt
    She whimpered and he embraced her tightly
    Under his breath he mumbled dad’s back and he said are you ok lightly
    Her eyes were filling up but she cried silently
    She looked deep into his eyes and nodded at him lightly
    The rain whipped her hair she opened her mouth and covered her face
    Hansel felt a pain in his head and a dig to the waist
    He fell to the floor shocked getting kicked in his ribs
    He looked up to see his daddy and he glared back smacking his kid
    Hansel got up and Grettel was screaming
    He grabbed her by the hand and shouted we’re leaving
    Kicking through puddles their terror amplified by lightning
    Even god shows neglect and the devil can be frightening


    Looking back with reminiscence on childish innocence
    Growing up illiterate plagued with ignorance
    Not knowing about murder rape and economy
    Good for nothing but what is alarming-they want to live in harmony
    Blissful are those that don’t realise what devils await them
    A cross road in life one way divinity the other satin
    You can believe the fallacy but this is the reality
    How can you wake up from a nightmare when it’s actually normality?
    :
    :
    Last time i dropped here, i was slept on, need to elavate some more, tryed to work on multis a bit...NOW FEED!!!! :yes:

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...41#post3150141

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=232298
    Last edited by TProphet; September 15th, 2005 at 10:08 AM

  2. #2
    Veteran Born To Kill's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Houston, Texas
    Age
    55
    Posts
    20,733
    Battle Record
    212-103
    Awards LLL Season Champion LLL HOF 200+ Wins
    This was very, very good...

    Your flow cut off here and there, but it seems you're writing to a beat, so it prolly sounds just fine to you...cool...no big deal.

    Aside from that, you really did some justice with an urban twist to the age old fairy tale...great descriptions, real nice vocab...deep story.

    You're a real good writer...but because your posts are so low, you may not get alotta feedback...peeps thinkin you're a whack newb who wrote too fuckin much...
    Which you are and did, except for the whack part...too bad more people won't read this because of that shit.

    Peace

  3. #3
    T.P
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Age
    36
    Posts
    1,500
    Battle Record
    1-0
    Thanks for tha return Born,

    Word at tha low post count thing

    ^Bounce^

  4. #4
    You've Earned a Custom Title! ExPlOsIvE's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    UK, Wales
    Age
    36
    Posts
    180
    Yeh this was a real nice piece, i went off the flow a few times but that prob me readin it. The storyline was nice nd u sticked well to it. The rhymes and the multis were nice and in nice places. the imagery was pretty nice. the wrdplay was aight culd b elevated but nuttin perfect.

    Keep droppin.
    Peace

  5. #5
    T.P
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Age
    36
    Posts
    1,500
    Battle Record
    1-0
    Thanks


    Uppin

  6. #6
    T.P
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Age
    36
    Posts
    1,500
    Battle Record
    1-0
    This sucks... ^Bounce^

  7. #7
    You've Earned a Custom Title! The Vortex's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    here and there
    Posts
    3,288
    Battle Record
    28-5
    nice imagery going down in this piece, and it paints a cleatr picture...lots of dope rhymes...but rhymes lack in a couple places.. lightly... lightly?

    sum good internal rhymes going on keeping the flow going....good poetic skills displayed.. interesting drop no doubt

    graphic imagery

    keep it up
    .................................................. ......................

  8. #8
    T.P
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Age
    36
    Posts
    1,500
    Battle Record
    1-0
    ^^^

  9. #9
    T.P
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Age
    36
    Posts
    1,500
    Battle Record
    1-0
    Yawn!

  10. #10
    T.P
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Age
    36
    Posts
    1,500
    Battle Record
    1-0
    WTF at me replyin' to alot of pieces in here and me only getting 3 replys

  11. #11
    Newbie Evil_Joey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Florida
    Age
    43
    Posts
    45
    its because a person like me opens the thread.. .and sees home work.. not a quick read at all.. but i also know how badly i want people to read my shit so im gonna go back and read it.. expecialy after reading the feed back.

  12. #12
    Newbie Evil_Joey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Florida
    Age
    43
    Posts
    45
    ok look... good idea behind it..but i must have missed something. becuase besides the names.. it really didnt have shit to do with the story. some ok lines.. started ok.. but for a piece thats supposed to be a remake of a story.. it wasnt a story
    no ending.. didnt follow the fairy tale at all.. and the person that gave the feed back that said it did should be shot. i mean u had a lot of good vocab.. but it felt forced in places.. and the flow was just not there. keep postin.. and if u think i bashed it too harshly. dont worry u can have ur chance to do the same to mine when i post today.

  13. #13
    T.P
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Age
    36
    Posts
    1,500
    Battle Record
    1-0
    Quote Originally Posted by Evil_Joey
    its because a person like me opens the thread.. .and sees home work.. not a quick read at all.. but i also know how badly i want people to read my shit so im gonna go back and read it.. expecialy after reading the feed back.
    WTF so your like 10?

    Oh and if i followed tha real story how is that creative?

    OM forum has fell off

  14. #14
    Alphabetize
    Guest
    pretty good dude ur verses are iitte

  15. #15
    Jamal Noor Paradox1080p's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    London
    Age
    38
    Posts
    5,538
    Battle Record
    3-1
    i thgt this was going to be cheesy when i saw the title, but i was pleasantly suprised..
    nice imagery, and structure was good..for some reason i could imagine Gza spittin this..had his type of flow..

    Dope..props..

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Similar Threads

  1. My Story Of Jealousy And Regret (Trust Story)
    By Dabatos in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: August 15th, 2005, 08:39 PM
  2. The true Hansel and Gretal story..
    By Jammin' Jobus in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: June 12th, 2004, 12:50 AM
  3. Replies: 16
    Last Post: March 15th, 2004, 07:15 PM
  4. Her Final Words... sad poem/story. True story? May
    By Civilized Rebel in forum Poetic Scriptures
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: July 30th, 2002, 02:31 PM

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •