The Magician

[MonStar]

I wrote this earlier and thought I would post it up. This is only like the second peice I've wrote in about two years so I'm just trying to shake the rust off. Anyways check it out and let me know what you think.

The Magician
(written over 'A Girl Named Hope' beat by Atmosphere)


A top hat and cane as games began to be played
The ground has been laid now prepare for the waves
White water rafting as magic becomes distracting
The wool's over your eyes as your minds backtracking
All the while your consciousness lacks action
Strangling your thoughts like a boa that's wrapping
Your state becomes stagnant, quit like a bad habit
Now out from the hat comes the remains of a rabbit
A magician, with the slightest flick of the wrist
He's twisting the shit and never showing his tricks
And have you zoning out when his words are spit
Throwing you in a trance while casting his spell
Spitting symmetrical like the seventh circle of hell
Like the ring stuck in the well climbing out failed, then fell
Now take a journey into your masters torturous realm
The happiness burns and melts as evilness swells
Internal infernos being patrolled by mutated elves
Demon less cells and shells of ones former selves
Combine to form a trail as despair continues to dwell
Open your mouth and inhale as the mic gets impaled
Straight to the brain all the while whispering things
Of a madman’s murderous reign disturbing the sane
Internally combustible while forcing scorching flames
Burnt from flesh to bone with the wizards torturous game
Testing the contestants to see who’s impervious to pain
Life’s being drained and humanity’s simultaneously silently slain
Scouring the earth until nothing but the violence remains
Lions and tigers as his servants freely roaming the plains
Ripping to shreds anyone who dares to revoke his name
Such a shame to get picked clean from flesh to frame
Provoked with nothing but the world being left to blame
Gripping the staff as the magician has just staked his claim


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...08#post2563808
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...=193891&page=3

[Simmons Quote.]

Well you say shaking off the rust. Not a bad attempt at doing this.
You lacked direction but your content was pretty nice.
I liked your sheme as it didn't just leviate on end of line multi's
and your internals did have a nice air about them. Sparse and
came with good intention too.

White water rafting as magic becomes distracting
The wool's over your eyes as your minds backtracking
All the while your consciousness lacks action
Strangling your thoughts like a boa that's wrapping

This was the only quotable I picked out
because the flow here was very nice.
Your meta's got a bit out-dated but who's
doesn't.

Overall nice piece,
just concentrate on where your taking it next.

-SQ

[MonStar]

thanks for the feedback...upping for some more...

[Simmons Quote.]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=202598
Seen as though I hit this up, make sure you hit the link above.
Thanks.

-sq

[MonStar]

ZZZzzzZZZ...uppin for some more feedback...

[sILLable]

pretty ill maan....nice content...i liked tha multis and tha consistency...it flowed real well as i spit it.....nice vocab...i liked tha wordplay...it was a little spotty here and there but your piece was tight enough to really over look that...all in all not a bad piece.keep droppin tha hottness.~1~

[CrazyCarl]

You started the piece off with nice rhyming, got my attention. The concept was interesting. The middle of the piece was very descriptive. I enjoyed the multis, and how you kept them going. The structure was good and line length worked because of the internal rhyming you had that kept the flow going. You ended strong with multis that just kept going.
Return the feedback
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=200068

[MonStar]

thanks for the feedback everyone...anyone else?

[Miss Anita Hafsechs]

sorry i took so long to rtf....i liked this piece, disricptive and very creative...vocab was very good, imagery was there...plus it flowed well...and the multi's fit in perfectly...so you pretty much had everything...nothin i can really think of that was bad about this piece...9.5/10 keep droppin