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Thread: "My Life"

  1. February 22nd, 2005, 11:08 PM #1
    Civilized Gangsta
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    "My Life"

    "My Life"

    I lived with my mom, and i never knew my dad.
    Have you ever had a parent...
    ......................You never knew you had.
    When I was 8 we were taken from our mother.
    They had my step dad...
    ...................Mistaken For My brother.
    The state said my mom couldn't take care of us.
    So they put us in a shelter home...
    ....................To shake the scare from us.
    So the 3 of us lived there for about two months.
    we got together with bad people..
    ......................And learned what crew was.
    Then out of know where my grandmother adopts us.
    But that didnt work very well......
    .........................every day was cop bust.
    They put me and my older brother in foster care.
    Found some shit i wanted to give my girl...
    ..............But they said they lost her share.
    Did 6 monthz there, got out and undid my packin.
    Started off again on the wrong foot...
    ........................So they sent me back in.
    Went to this other home.......for almost a year.
    Did some stupid shit with their daughter...
    ..............Cuz i thought the Coast Was Clear.
    Got back home.......and i thought i was in hell.
    Only stayed there for a month...
    ........................Then i got sent to jail.
    Did 3 monthz in jail then they sent me to treatment.
    5 monthz there Got my mind real focused...
    ...............And really told me what "beat" meant.
    When I was finally free again I did a little better.
    I learned to read between the linez...
    ..........................And out the middle letter.
    I was out for a year......peepz said i went "black".
    Handled my business for awhile...
    ...............................Then I Was sent back.
    Burglary 2nd degree copz say.... i'm facin 15 yearz.
    But I "hear" everything on the block...
    .................................I got nifty "earz".
    Did a month in jail for that.....now im out on bond.
    I couldn't "swim" with my dreamz...
    ...................................Without a "pond".
    I still got my trial hearing.......... on April 1st.
    Cuz no matter what i'm getting something...
    .......................And that would make ya curse.
    Anywayz this is my life....i hope you understand it.
    I been through some rough shit...
    .........................Now you know what a man is.

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=172903

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=172886
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  2. February 22nd, 2005, 11:15 PM #2
    SimonSays
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    Hmmmm, your structure seems to be working well for you in this, I dont' know sometimes it's sort of frusterating to read, and can at times throw off your flow.

    Your rhyme scheme was basic, but that is ok for a story piece I find, it's like Krs-one inspired it seems.

    Some advice for your lyrics, is to possibly up the vocab a bit, and use some more vivid imagery, as you were a little slack on that.

    This was a good drop, and heartfelt, the emotion was definetly in there. Props.

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  3. February 23rd, 2005, 12:21 AM #3
    GhettoFabolous
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    Wuzz up dogg?

    This shit was str8, could feel errything u wrote. Emotion was there cuz its tru, and i felt ur pain for a minute too. Da closure was tyte, kinda summed errything up. U know i hopin u only get like 2-5 yrs when u go back dogg, even better if u get released. Keep droppin ur dope shit, props on this.

    1
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  4. February 23rd, 2005, 11:38 AM #4
    Civilized Gangsta
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    word...uppin this for more feed.
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  5. February 25th, 2005, 08:54 AM #5
    Civilized Gangsta
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    uppin this...
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  6. February 25th, 2005, 09:57 AM #6
    Civilized Gangsta
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    ...............
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  7. February 25th, 2005, 10:18 AM #7
    Angel
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    woow...i feel everything uve been thru...bin there my self 4 some of it!

    the wording you used made it very emotinal, letting us inside your head n your past..
    takes alot 2 do!

    keep up the gd work babe xx

    return the favour plz
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=173237
    Last edited by Angel; February 25th, 2005 at 10:29 AM
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  8. February 25th, 2005, 10:34 AM #8
    LM
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    Not bad...

    Bit simplistic. Structure aint brilliant for people readin it but the simple flow made it managable. Good content but like I said, needs to be more complex. Try addin more multies and internals.

    But overall not bad
    LM
    The Life
    & Times
    ...The Rhymes
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  9. February 25th, 2005, 12:02 PM #9
    Lady Redd
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    That was cool!!!!!!
    You kept it simple.but made a point..
    7/10
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  10. February 25th, 2005, 03:26 PM #10
    young ryda
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    that some deep shit dude , i feel ya , good luc kwith ur court date

    -ryda
    love is pain
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  11. February 25th, 2005, 04:59 PM #11
    Born To Kill
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    Pretty good shit, man...

    Very (too) simple in some spots...
    But very heartfelt in others.

    Honestly, your vocab is simple...

    But the format was pretty good, the flow was always there.

    And the story seemed sincere.

    Good luck on the 1st...keep writing.

    Peace
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  12. February 25th, 2005, 05:04 PM #12
    LadyEnyceCMD
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    Yo That Shit Is Nice.
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    I'M FIRE- FUCK WHAT THE THUGS DESIRE
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  13. February 27th, 2005, 09:47 AM #13
    Civilized Gangsta
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    Thankz for the feed everyone...uppin this.........
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  14. February 27th, 2005, 10:22 AM #14
    Ike Ill.
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    Read it, long and figured I'd leave feedback.

    I feel you on your story man... Check "My Brain Is For Rent" <-- an open mic I made and you can see what the fuck im talking about.

    But overall you had an alright story to tell, I've been kicked out of a few states myself. I'm not wanted anywhere. But your structure was nice like always, preperation was well done... Overall a decent read and an alright story.

    Props... Keep your head up.
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  15. February 27th, 2005, 10:40 AM #15
    Deviate
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    This was definately nice... I was really feeling it. Just to say what everyone else has said really try and make it a little more complex - use some techniques like metaphor etc and you'll really start to shine. Also try and make the structure a little more managable, it'll improve the overall quality of the piece as it's being read.

    Nice work though... If you have time check out "Blind to Reality?" in my signature I'd appreciate it...

    Peace
    Po'Ethics Lives
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