The Truth?

[Deviate]

Just spent about 15 minutes writing and this was the product... I was quite proud of it so I thought I'd share. I know not every single line rhymes and I know some parts don't make much sense and it's generally weird overall but... Enjoy... I'd appreciate feedback!


The Truth

As the cogs click into place,
the mechanism begins to phase.
The portal appears on the wall,
I peer in to see time stall.
As my mind and soul are amalgamated into nature,
my body freezes in rapture.
It cannot be dodged,
you cannot be dislodged.
Existence is frozen down to you,
your mind free of its gloom.
Exception of the souls and minds of the masses,
they roam free in the glorious expanses.

Elevated level of existence,
optimises our understandings of the silence.
Patience is key,
for your mind to be free.
Released into the vast masses,
of expanses in the universes
of which are connected to the 8 dimensions
trapped in the second dimension of apprehension.

As the the soul travels with the wind,
the truth becomes apparent within.
The only physical object mobile in this plain,
is the endlessly turning turntables.
Frozen bodies gasp in unison,
as their vocal chords reassemble.
Their bodies walk to the streets,
bouncing to the endless beat.
The words sound from their bodies,
releasing vocabulary from the depths of memories.
As they spit in time to mine,
the world unites through my rhyme.
The planets spin like massive disco balls
as the universe serves as the club hall.
The souls unite to the pulse,
the utmost clarity in the world like a ghost.
Minds forge lines,
for this endless rhyme.
Mystical block rockin beats,
powered by the supernova's endless heat.
This is the latest shit unabridged,
releasing everyones thoughts leavin the universe unhinged.
This is the definitive
infinitive
substantive
conjunctive
vocal expansion of the format

Space expands unplanned,
it's god's plans unmanned.
The universe tears,
as the needle spins too near.
The mind is fused into nothing,
as the soul is folded and collapsed into something.

The turntables stop as the window panes drop,
the bombs begin to drop uncontrollably like a fat girl playin hop-
scotch tape can't save this situation
It's the end of civilisation
As I turn to see the white engulf the black

I open my eyes and get up off my back,
stroll from my bed,
and shower instead.

...This is reality...


Peace

Open Mic Feedbacks -
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=168343
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=168633

[Deviate]

I have written a prequel to this now that I will post tomorrow when I've done the final touches. It will sorta... Help explain wtf I'm on about in this...

Peace

[ActionJackson]

man, i really like this one...great imagery and just a good story. Good job

[ELEETE]

Wow this was impresive...your imagery in this was very good...great choice in wording as well...I like thhe way you kept on your topic it was done with carefulness...you have a great poetic essense in your writing as well...great job...

Elevated level of existence,
optimises our understandings of the silence.
Patience is key,
for your mind to be free.
Released into the vast masses,
of expanses in the universes
of which are connected to the 8 dimensions
trapped in the second dimension of apprehension.

This part of the piece had the least of your vocablary but the way you stated it it was irrelevant...you paint a picture well...ima be on the look out for you...nice job...respect...-E-

[G-man]

Yeah, this is a nice one Deviate. It's real poetic and the words you use to describe everything is structured very well. This is some pretty deep shit that you gotta read into but once you understand what you talking about in the big picture makes all the sense in the word. Stay up, 1!

Thanks for your feed on my thread too dog!

[Deviate]

Thanks for all your input guys I really appreciate it... New shit soon that in my opinion is better...

Uppin' for more feedback

[warchild]

Yeah this was dope it was different and i like anything that aint normal.
The structure was a bit messy but i cant hate on much else.
The vocab was dope i think you used a bit too many of those big words, the flow was ok but your flow and imagery is what made this a very dope couple of verses. Overall a really tight post.

Return the favour.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=168868

[Revalucion]

this is a sick drop. i like the imagery i could see you raping to this shit had a solid structure so it was easy to read. Everything fit together and all in all the drop was goo my favorit verse was

The turntables stop as the window panes drop,
the bombs begin to drop uncontrollably like a fat girl playin hop-
scotch tape can't save this situation
It's the end of civilisation
As I turn to see the white engulf the black

i felt this part the most keep it up

[Bounce]

Very nice drop here man, I have a few technical issues to raise but overall this was a well done peice. Meter was adversley affected from line to line, not so much but enough to detect and distract from the read at points. YOu had a nice concept going here, vocab was solid nothing seemed overloaded, but transitions in the lines could have had more attention paid to count. I'm getting into technical components because it's obvious tome you are an experienced writer. I think the assonance would have been much better int his had you balanced the line or incoperated a better strucutre. Diction was good, imagery was good, could have been better, emotion also could have been stronger. Word chioce was done well, but certain tweaks could result in more powerful imagery and emotion. Overall good job here man, keep it up.

-Bounce

[Deviate]

Actually that was about my third proper rap... I've got one coming out in about 2 hours when it's been 24hours since I released this... I think I've improved on faults made here not to mention the length jumps in it to over 630 words! I appreciate the technical advice as it does make sense to me and I will take it into account in some of my upcoming OMs... I've written a lot over the past two days because I've been sick so I'll be looking out for feedback with this with my new drops...

Please leave feedback later on "Acceptance"... But regarding this thanks very much for taking the time to help out guys... It's nice to get compliments and such great feedback from the big guns here.

Peace

[Omniscient]

Yo dogg this was dope...no real faults in this everything was mainly solid...i like ya style dogg ya bringin sumthin different to the table and i like that so keep it up...i'll be on the look out for ya next OM...pz

[Awaken]

Very nice piece....for 15minutes this was really something lol. WEll, I have to say just ab out everything that has been said above, good work peace.

[p O e T i Q u E]

Yeah like i said on ya otha drop man nice vocabulary. I like the acceptance one better but this fa real you got talent keep droppin dont let it go to waste

[Deviate]

Thanks for all the great feedback everyone I really appreciate it... Inspires me to write more... Prequel to this is to drop tonight probably... In the meantime please check out "Acceptance" HERE!

Peace

[Dorph]

Fairplay mate, thats some pretty philosophical rhymes and deep wordplay too. Good to see some more UK sound ripping it up. Fair Play. See You About, Dorph