A hidden knowledge

[djb]

A hidden knowledge

I approached the pretty city watching the buildings soar
roared with excitement and anticipation in my Accord
anxiously awaiting my start I see suits and jags parked
new glorious landmarks as I step out my car and embark
paralyzed like a fawn released from the shelter I wander
ponder which is mine, and grow frantic instead of calmer
all the structures look so similar and nervousness sets in
walk to what seemed an important man and mentioned
“I was wondering how do I get to Sports United offices”
he looked at me grabbed his cell phone and departed
in the distance I see a homeless man sitting on a bench
intrenched with superiority I question this pile of stench
to my surprise he looks into my eyes and answered my cry
my mind was baffled by the way his speech was devised
intellect poured from his pours and he stored knowledge
the oddest, his voice tone and manner implied college
so poor he could have never bought it but still I thought it
can he be educated, why did he give it up for no homage
so questioned him about his ways, and this he engraved
mans brain will always stay the same, even if clothes change
so true, real, raw, and unforced my intuition started to contort
clear visions began to distort as awareness drifted to import
I used to use ignorance to sort not knowing I was that sort
now I see it is the best of men that are kings in the court
opposed to those who dress for sport faking they hold the fort
importance isn’t judged by clothes, but knowledge they port
so with a shake of this mans hand I left that dirty place
on my way I climbed up stairs to my blank office space
I did this the same, day after day, but always saw his face
it became a ritual to smile knowing we held an unkept grace

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=168292
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=168302

[Mistral]

You need to leave 2 links to 2 open mics that you left decent feedback on or this gets closed, Thanks.

[BrayInWav]

your flow and structure is on point... nice work... the theme is interesting, good story... the only critical feedback i can think of is maybe it's at the "refining" stage (the next, NEXT refining stage)... and maybe you can think of words to edit here and there to add even more multi's but still keep the meaning and storyline... either way, it's still good. peace.

i liked this part in particular:

intellect poured from his pours and he stored knowledge
the oddest, his voice tone and manner implied college
so poor he could have never bought it but still I thought it
can he be educated, why did he give it up for no homage
so questioned him about his ways, and this he engraved
mans brain will always stay the same, even if clothes change
so true, real, raw, and unforced my intuition started to contort
clear visions began to distort as awareness drifted to import
I used to use ignorance to sort not knowing I was that sort

[djb]

thank you

[djb]

damn i always get slept on

[ELEETE]

Its nice to see that OM hasnt gone completely gone to shit...Im glad to see there are still some intellectual heads on this side of the boards...I liked your piece...You had a lot of focus on Imagery on this...i like that...Imagery one of the first things that captures my attention...good job on doing it here...

"I did this the same, day after day, but always saw his face
it became a ritual to smile knowing we held an unkept grace"

This held nice closure to you piece...good job...reppin CA i see...respect...Hit my latest OM link in my sig when you get a chance...thanks ahead...peace...

[Genetic Carnage]

Man, that shit was touching. That piece had a well built structure and meaning and I could picture what you two look like in my head. Your flow was off the hook and the words you used to get your point across were high classed. 10/10, keep droppin.

[djb]

wow 10/10 my last three pieces have all got those. thank you guys very much upping. and eleete i hit yours up

[Sir Skiddz SoPhrenic]

Very good. Not much for imagery but you win points for your vocabulary and decent storytelling. There were some good lines, but in my mind you didnt paint the greatest picture and your vocab seemed forced at parts to induce wordplay and internals, and it felt like you were sacrificing critical story parts by going to deep into complexity and vocabulary.

[Deviate]

Nice vocabulary and structure. I like the storytelling too but I agree with SkiddZ you lack imagery to fully describe the situation and explain what's happening. I think that you used just the right amount of complex vocabulary to explain what's happening. Nice flow too... Overall a really nice work! Keep it up!

[djb]

wow thank you guys very much and yes i would agree with the two of you. it did lack some imagery. thanks for actually reading it and telling me what could use work other then saying this is dope. it means a lot.

[Laureate]

AIght man this was defintly good...few minor mistakes however...
Watch your syllable count...it throws off the read sometimes...also in the line
"so questioned him about his ways, and this he engraved"
I think your forgot an "I"
"so I questioned him about his ways, and this he engraved"
Nothing big...couple punctuation errors....yes I'm being picky lol...but it jus sumthin to check over next time

Anyone...I really like this story....you have a unique mind and usually whip out new and creative topics....its a dope talent I dont have....you had good internals, altho sometimes it seemed you picked a word that didnt quite fit jus cause it rhymes....emotion was good...I think your imagry was excellent, tho it could be bettered..again I'm bein picky, but in the long run it should help you improve...very nice drop here djb...keep it up

If you have time, please peep "Elements of Desire" in my sig....thanks much

[djb]

thank you last up

[p O e T i Q u E]

I was feeling this you had a good structure with a tiny bit of editing some of your words this would be the shit!!!