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Thread: The Seventh Chamber

  1. #1
    dreadedfistofthenorthwest
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    14-6

    The Seventh Chamber

    I begin to indulge into insults presented,
    bulge the thoughts of killin him, for tryin to prevent it
    ended the conversation, with ill see you later,
    greater visions of how I brought demise to the traitor
    dictator no remorse when I conflict the vindicator,
    walkin briskly with him, like theres nothin on matter,
    chatter back and forth of the things that are at hand,
    planned the killin for months so alone I must stand,
    land the hand upon his shoulder in a friendly gesture,
    sequester smell upon this cats shredded pleather,
    never say never, is what I remembered tellin him,
    into the basement smellin gin, is where he'll be dwellin then,
    We walk sharply through the darkened corodors,
    speakin of well wishers and the thoughts of orators,
    more then four, doors in the room to the left of me,
    prepared to cut his ankles, incase he wants to step to me,
    Crackin jokes, as we walk into a wine cellar,(said Cella)
    I pin him to the wall, and say "your a swine fellor"(said Fella)
    I chain him to the cement, thats when he begins to hollor,
    I screamed with him to prove that he shouldnt even bother,
    he starts to weap in sorrow so I grabbed his plad collar,
    I looked him deep in his eyes, to visualize despair,
    kiss his forehead, back away still I stair,
    I brush the hair from my eyes, and present a smile wide,
    The door slams shut, I crease the door with cement,
    so this entire journey can finally cease,
    I look back at the door, 3 words, rest in peace.

    I did this one pretty fast leave some feeback and tell me what you think.
    The R.
    -The Illest Ever Kid-

  2. #2
    LyRiCaL sHiNoBi Devils_Diamond's Avatar
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    Nov 2005
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    Wisconsin
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    Battle Record
    2-5
    phew!!! i see you elevateing at the top of tha game real soon man, keep spittin and i'll keep readin. mad love for this piece

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    Im that supernova Recruit Troopa Soulja,
    Takin out Brutes as Huge as Boulders

  3. #3
    dreadedfistofthenorthwest
    Join Date
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    thanks for the feed man. uppin for feed.
    The R.
    -The Illest Ever Kid-

  4. #4
    Tha Burnin Sensation 2hot2handle's Avatar
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    illinois
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    Battle Record
    1-17
    This was good. You had a couple obvious rhymes in there but it went well. You had good vocab overall and the flow was fine. You are moving on up like the jeffersons. This piece displays ya potential man. Keep spittin and good structure. It was a good piece. Ya vocab is decent overall from what I see from this. In this piece the vocab was good and you as a writer it seems decent overall through ya pieces I assume. Just increase ya vocab and learn new words. Keep it goin.

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    "I look to a day when people will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character."

    - Martin Luther King Jr.


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    View this from last year^

  5. #5
    dreadedfistofthenorthwest
    Join Date
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    You are moving on up like the jeffersons.

    ^ ahahahah thanks man. uppin for feed.
    The R.
    -The Illest Ever Kid-

  6. #6
    Banned
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    Oct 2003
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    5,480
    Battle Record
    12-1
    This was good. You had a couple obvious rhymes in there but it went well. You had good vocab overall and the flow was fine. You are moving on up like the jeffersons. This piece displays ya potential man. Keep spittin and good structure. It was a good piece. Ya vocab is decent overall from what I see from this. In this piece the vocab was good and you as a writer it seems decent overall through ya pieces I assume. Just increase ya vocab and learn new words. Keep it goin.
    agreed....you did have sum obviosu rhymes bit they6 were good atleast they fit and it made sence...ya vocab was good and sum was desacent.....flow was good..jus keep elevating homie..peace

  7. #7
    The True Psycho of RB
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
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    1-0
    Pretty good verse, the concept was dark so i was feeling it cause i always pen darker shit so i liked the concept and content. But i think the flow was a bit inconsistant in the piece, there were multies in there but you lacked a few multies in the beggining of the piece which slightly put me off the verse.
    But then the flow was improving so i started enjoying reading the verse, the vocab was good fit perfect with the topic you didnt overuse it which always helps any piece out. The imagery was ok i think you should of made the piece more graphic because i think thats what the concept needed but i think it was still a solid verse. my advice would be just keep coming up with dope concepts and try and keep that flow more consistant and your pieces will get more and more complex. Keep Posting.
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=252317
    I got caught for killing time but then i got away with words-Chino XL

  8. #8
    dreadedfistofthenorthwest
    Join Date
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    uppin for some feed.
    The R.
    -The Illest Ever Kid-

  9. #9
    dreadedfistofthenorthwest
    Join Date
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    The R.
    -The Illest Ever Kid-

  10. #10
    Hi there!
    Join Date
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    i like your vocab the topic was alright u had some good lines nice flow

    i rate this 6-10

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  11. #11
    dreadedfistofthenorthwest
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    thanks for the feed man.
    The R.
    -The Illest Ever Kid-

  12. #12
    A few of the Chosen Lurid's Avatar
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    nice.there were a couple of basic rhyme in it but overall dope. You had good vocab overall and the flow was fine. this showed a good example of a dope OM. you had a ok structure it needs a lil work. It was a good piece. Ya vocab is decent overall from what I see from this. In this piece the vocab was good and you as a writer it seems decent overall through ya pieces I assume. Just increase ya vocab and learn new words. Keep it goin.
    Notarized Artistry

    Open Mics

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  13. #13
    dreadedfistofthenorthwest
    Join Date
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    upp for feed
    The R.
    -The Illest Ever Kid-

  14. #14
    dreadedfistofthenorthwest
    Join Date
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    Uppin For Feed!
    The R.
    -The Illest Ever Kid-

  15. #15
    dreadedfistofthenorthwest
    Join Date
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    uppin for some more decent feedback.
    The R.
    -The Illest Ever Kid-

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