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Thread: 2 Days- every moment is true-Day 1

  1. #1
    damn Lil Fire's Avatar
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    2 Days- every moment is true-Day 1

    2 Days-Day 1

    Every moment of this 2 verse OM is true these are the events i went through(sad, crying, exhausted, death, missing, worry,) during hurricane Katrina




    Day 1


    I stretched and wiped the crust from my eyes... 4 in the morning
    I rolled back over tried to sleep but i kept tossing and turning
    my father and uncle walk in still disoriented from lack of sleep
    out of bed and we head to the living room to watch the news more distinct
    as we continue we fall into a trance watching the news untill........
    Black.......we sit in the dark adjusting our eyes and ears to the still
    we watch out the window as the winds continue to increase
    this goes on for about an hour but its relaxing our last bit of peace
    the rest had awoken moms,lil sis,grams, gramps, and the dog
    as we continue our intriging stare out the window in comes fog
    we watch we see the water down the street incrotch upon the house
    my father looks at me..worry for his mother, daughter, and spouse
    continue our watch and are amazed at the speed the water is coming
    gramps relizes it first and starts moving away from the door......flooding
    we chip in and begin stacking furniture upon other things
    "SHIT" gramps yells as the water creeps inside fast as if it had wings
    we begin to move faster as my heart starts to pound
    as the water creeps in from every direction but still no sound
    i suddenly hear a crying from my sisters room i find her weeping on her bed
    i ask "whats wrong" she studders at first "are we going to be dead?"
    choked back tears grabed her and squeezed "no i promise" is all i could say
    all i could think was what if it is our very last day???
    "hurry" coming from the living room,the water gets deeper and dirtier
    2 feet.... 3 feet.... its now sewere water from the Plant still getting murkier
    we continue moving furniture we relize the waters not recieding
    What do we do? the attic is all we have left gramps is leading
    attic door trapped from our presence becuze of 4 ft water in the garage
    so we decide to punch holes in the cieling....Is this a mirage??
    we look around and find a fire poker and dad bursts
    he brakes through and all we thought was; woman and children first
    we begin to lift my sis, moms, and grams into the attic i hear yelping
    my dog; nose barely atop water crying cuz she cant breathe,unc begins helping
    we lift her up and get her into the attic and a sigh of relief
    we took care of the girls and dog and were in utter disbelief
    but now what?? "CRASH" the sound of glass braking alerts us
    water finally busted the doors and the glass and hits like a bus
    it rushes in the house roaring with swells easily over 6 feet high
    furniture is lifted and rushs towards the door as if it were to fly
    spread and try to secure doors as we try to stay afloat in 8 feet of water
    kep the furniture in the house, trying to stop the rise was tortue like sluaghter
    the house begins to rock from trees and wind hitting it
    look over my father pushing his hardest the tears down his face unfit
    this uncontrolable situation lasted 6 hours untill water started to decrease
    it that long and the impact of weeryness begins to increase
    the water spills out of the house just as fast as it came in
    girls come out,complete silence;they brake to knees crying in slurring sin

    Day 2 will be coming tomorrow but im very tired as of rite now sorry i couldnt fit it in rite now
    Last edited by Lil Fire; September 10th, 2005 at 11:45 AM
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  2. #2
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    Last edited by Lil Fire; September 8th, 2005 at 03:29 AM
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  3. #3
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    You're structure is horrible, and you need to even your lines

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Like that, you know and you would have a little interesting story....I would have enjoyed this alot if you had structure like that but it just made me lose interest by all of that shit....this was an aight drop....

    Can you please do me a favor and close this battle for me

    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=220755

    Thank You, Peace
    PM for battle

  4. #4
    damn Lil Fire's Avatar
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    thanks for the feed and yea i no the structure is shitty but im dog tied and wasnt really caring but thanks
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  5. #5
    damn Lil Fire's Avatar
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    uppin for some more feedback
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  6. #6
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    uppin .....
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  7. #7
    damn Lil Fire's Avatar
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    aight there i fixed the structure a lil bit to make it not so shitty looking
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  8. #8
    The Audio King .Silence.'s Avatar
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    this was a good piece from you man I was really felling it homie.It was really emotional and I can see how you felt when the hurricane hit where you live.It had a good storyline and good wordplay in this verse.I know it was probably hard for you to write this cuz alot of your boys probably died in the storm.But overall man good piece from you.Leave feedback on one of my OMs when you get the chance But keep up the good work

    Distinct Advantage
    MIXTAPE IS OUT NOW
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  9. #9
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    thanks mayne uppin
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  10. #10
    Legendary. aSap iLL's Avatar
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    This was pretty good but the only thing that really lacked was your structure..damn the shyt was ugly.. made me wanna stio reading it to be honest..your vocab and wordplay okay..alittle simple sometimes..but it was okay.. Overall this was a decent drop ,work on your structure..and try to elevate on your vocab and you'll be fine.

  11. #11
    damn Lil Fire's Avatar
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    ^^thansk for the feedback
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  12. #12
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    sorry but i had ta do this


    R.I.P
    Tyrone Cloyd

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    R.I.P

    Tyrone Cloyd

    (i didnt kno him but my boy lil fire did and when one homie is hurting we all are)

  13. #13
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    thanks mayne i really appreciate that
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  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lil Fire
    thanks mayne i really appreciate that
    if its cool wit u can i rep it in my sig

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    R.I.P

    Tyrone Cloyd

    (i didnt kno him but my boy lil fire did and when one homie is hurting we all are)

  15. #15
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    yea i would apprecite that alot
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