My First One

[EluShun]

Legally Blind….My first Open mic


Why is it that kids getting beat by tha cops for no reason…?
But Politicians can go against the country and not get treason…
Sons and daughter getting killed by stray bullets for gang violence…
And we don’t stop anymore for a respected moment of silence…
People die for this country and get no recognition, where tha love that’s missing…
Kids grow up wit no father, just wishing they could go wit their pops fishing…
Little ones resorting to drugs as a way out, their pain is unbearable…
Killin at the ages of 12, and raping girls for fun, this world it’s terrible…
Hell is taking over this Place, we in a war with ourselves…
Not givin a shit about others, putting their feelings on the shelves…
Teens buying guns off the internet, and shooting up their schools hallways…
Because they feel unwanted, and want revenge for all their painful days...
Adults taken anger out on their children, beatin them near to death…
Then realize they could be close, only a few hits until there’s more breathe…
If we all could just realize, that the path that we are taken is dangerous…
And kids partying, drinking and driving could end up hazardous…
I’m trying to influences kids to take out anger and use their time to Rhyme…
That they could one day feel loved, and one day be able to shine…
Until my death, I’m look out the younger generations, and all mankind…
Cause as of right now, this world is now pronounced legally Blind…

uppin for feed

[EluShun]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=191565
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=193082

My two links...uppin

[EluShun]

uppin for feedbck

[Bounce]

wordy, and not int he vocab sense... I could have taken a few words out of each of your lines and had the sme meaning and impact. Visually this was sloppy, you could have presented it better. scheme wise, this was dry cokie cutter type of stuff, you had decent enough a message, but I thnk you sold yourself short by not taking more time with word chioce and schemes. not bad, just for this type of drop you should really display elevated understanding of all technical components. I do see potential within this piece, but you have to be comfortable with the other components of a write. Keep working on these things and I am sure it will reflect in your future posts in OM..

[Skribble]

not to just return the favor,but without ya sayin that to me, your peice was tight, i liked it!!

[chucklow]

I Liked That Shyt Thats The Type Uh Shit I Be On Struggles Of Life And Shit But Yea That Was Coo Put That Shit To A Beat Bra

[CrazyCarl]

With the name of the topic I thought you were going in a different direction. Watch how you separate your piece, you inserted spaces between a rhyming couplet. The space makes the reader pause, and in that situation, you want them to continue through. The lines were long, some stretched to the next line, be conscious of your syllable count.
Return the feedback
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=192481

[Chronic Cancer]

ya stuff is straight just need to elevate a little bit more..then post more and read shit from vets learn to use more vocab...then elevate...keep it up!

[EluShun]

thanks for the feed..the spaces i didn't put in the site did and i couldn't take them out...anyway thanks...and not tryin to go against what you all said i...this was my first...it will get better...

[EluShun]

upin

[Mistral]

Inproper Title.