Soft Melody

[CrazyCarl]

I sit in my room, and stare at the wallpaper
feels like a tomb, as I'm impaired by all vapors
which are noxious, causing my breath to taper
off as my view is fixed, to the wall's design
the pattern is flipped, down symmetrical lines
this only keeps my eyes, busy as I lose my mind
lies to myself make me dizzy, but I've tried
to restore my pure, now psychotic process
I need to feel secure, by putting the past to rest
all of the trials and hard-ships make up the events
as I regard clips of memory as just segments
these glimpses clog my brain's usual song
I'm appalled by the strong, my bawling seems lifelong
the soft melody that fills the emptiness of feelings
grows progressively muffled under ceiling's appearing
to the point where the only sound that I am hearing
are those that are slowly nearing and interfering

Wicked - Little Heather
Issue - Tearstained Pages

Leave links, I'll return the feedback.

[CrazyCarl]

bump

[Issue]

This was an ok piece, you had good vocab but I wasn't really feeling your structure. I think the whole continuation of the rhyme onto the next line makes the piece become more confusing, and in my opinion it disrupts the flow. You automatically stop reading at the end of a sentence, if you read it out loud its for breath but in text form it still affects you reading it as the same rule applies... You stop at the end of the sentence to begin the new one, but on pieces like this the flow is constantly disrupted and I wasn't really feeling it. You had decent wordplay, and a few lines that stood out over the rest, but I really couldn't get over the structure like this... Keep dropping.

Reply to Hidden Talent in my sig, thank you please

[warchild]

I thought the concept was orginal and i think you did a decent job on the rhymes the vocab was good and your imagery was orginal the feelings in the rhymes was raw but i wasnt feeling the flow it was pretty weak the flow in the first 2 lines was good but then you lost. Next time you write try and keep the flow more consistent.

Return the favour:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=185688

[CrazyCarl]

Thanks for the feed, links have been returned.

[young ryda]

it was iight i like ur vocab and the structure and the flow was pretty good keep writing it has alota of potential

[CrazyCarl]

uppin for more feedback

[Na~Ledge]

I think it was original and a good topic. I really didn't mind the structure. Vocab was decent but nothing to get excited about. The main thing I would tell you to improve on your consistancy. you had some good lines in there and then followed it with some kinda weak ones. Next time try to be more consistant. However it was still a good read, as most of the piece from you I've read have been. Keep doing your thing dude. Hoalla.

[YoungHusla]

Liked the concept, was really original. The strcuture cud use a lil tyune yup, but thats about it...also work on ur vocab ight.

rtf....its on OMs first page: A Thugs Soft Side, with poll

[Judge Judy]

This was an Ok piece, i thought it had ok imagry, Nice flow, and Ight vocab....I thought u coulda brought ur Vocab up a little...But it was still good, Im lookin foward to reading more of yours, Peace

[CrazyCarl]

thanks, upping

[MakeShyft]

Painted a picture, but it had no colour, keep dropin em thats the only way to paint the picture dawg.

[K9_THESHIT]

^WTF?!

this was a nice piece.the topic was good and even if the drop was short you managed to squeeze in a good amount of details.the structure didn't bug me,i don't think the flow should necessarily be paused at the end of a line.the imagery was done pretty well,but a few more upper words would't have hurt...i agree with Na,try to be more consistant,and try to use better rhymeschemes and more multis for a better flow...Keep it up man!

Peace!

[big j da fat boy]

this was a nice peice but you need to work on your vocab

[Charlie~Manson]

it was ok for me the imagery was there but it seemed kinda forced a lil bit maybe i need to hear but it was decent i wish it was jus a lil longer