For The First Time..

For The First Time..

Two shadows glide across the room..
.. That is the image from the street
Kissing, they draw the curtains..
.. And lie down on the bed sheets
Each one is apprehensive of what is to come
He was all over her, kissing her neck..
.. She had to succumb
Her heart flutters as her skin is slowly caressed
He works his way slowly down from her shoulders..
.. Down to her chest
Smoothing each breast.. Taking them in his palm
Kissing her gently and tasting her lip balm
Far from calm.. Her heart beat explodes into action
Turned the music up..
.. So there would be no distraction
Immeasurable satisfaction.. Breathing becomes faster
She took control.. He was new.. So she would be the master
Would be a disaster.. If it was the other way around
He was a virgin.. She wasnt.. She was on the rebound
Caught the bags her ex threw to the ground..
.. But also caught another thing
At the time she coudnt see what problems..
.. Not using a condom would bring
All for a fling.. Her hatred for men is scary
This silly lad thought that he was popping her cherry
But she is wary.. Giving it out but she is nervous
She has alterior motives..
.. She has him there for a purpose
Hatched a plan under the surface.. All kept quiet
She has just embarked upon her Man-Eating diet
Would start a riot.. Her mind crazed as she hovered
Poised over his penis that was no longer covered
She wasnt bothered.. About to wreck his life forever
Didnt care like "Whatever"..
.. As she embarked upon her endeavor
Didnt mind whoever.. Any man diserved what she would give
Cuz her ex gave her a present for which she would never forgive
Hatred squeezed through the sieve that was her mind
Then she lowered down and they both easily combined
Legs became entwined.. Juices mixed up and merged
An orgasm through his body is what suddenly surged
His penis emerged.. Tainted with it forvever and a day
As this was the first time the girl..
.. Had ever passed on AIDS

Links..

#1
#2

Pz..

Very nice work man...I really enjoyed this....Been awhile since I have read something from you and what you drop keeps amazing me....I really liked this....had a nice twist to it at the ending....the flow in this was real nice, flowed smoothly through out the entire piece man, very nice...Overall a nice piece, enjoyed it...and you only need 1 link from now on :rolleyes:

And there is me with two links..

So efficient.. Lol..

Thanks for the comments man..

Up..

I actually thought this was very well written..I haven't read Bare Chuckles verse yet..
I'm sure he came nice and I'm sure this will be a dope battle...

Thanks Pen..

Nice to see the old name back.. :)..

Up..

Pz..

This was nice...emotion ran high throughout....
I thought the flow was mostly on...lost me in a
few places but was overall on target...The imagry was
ok...wasn't really necessary in this piece as you
emotiona nd feeling carried it
Nice drop Freeman

Please peep http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=121263

really nice verse freeman, i was really feeling that, ive had some similar experiences so i can relate to this. very nice verse it had great feeling and emotion mixed into it. Great drop it was a great read.

Damn....This is an SS battle? Fuck it ill leave feedback there....Nice work free...find my feedback in yo battle...

Well, a bit on the mean spirited side...

But very well put together.

Great flow and multi's, they were your strong point.
Vocab could have been more complex, maybe a medical term or two coulda been thrown in for impact...
But aside from that, not much wrong with this.

The message was tight, I understand her anger, but do bitches/dudes actually be doing that? Purposely passing out AIDS like free samples at the grocery store? Isn't there a real life law against that? Anyway, I'd have killed the bitch real slow when I found out, but that's just me, I digress...forgive me.

That's a sign you spit something good when peeps get angry/emotional over it, duke...

Nice read, but now I wanna slap a bitch.

Peace

Two shadows glide across the room..
.. That is the image from the street
Kissing, they draw the curtains..
.. And lie down on the bed sheets
Nice imagery... Pretty simple, but gets to the point and lets us know what we need to know.. Also intruduces the fact that this is gonna be a love song...
Each one is apprehensive of what is to come
He was all over her, kissing her neck..
.. She had to succumb
Her heart flutters as her skin is slowly caressed
Nice vocab man, Described her emotions nicely.. Her heart flutters --> I love that line, great imagery...
He works his way slowly down from her shoulders..
.. Down to her chest
Smoothing each breast.. Taking them in his palm
Kissing her gently and tasting her lip balm
Gives me the image of a movie where people are beginning the process of sex.. Like almost slow motion, because its so deep... Kids could read this and be like "Damn! I'm going to do that to my girl!" You describe this with great imagery... And its the proper way to get atta chick...
Far from calm.. Her heart beat explodes into action
Turned the music up..
.. So there would be no distraction
Immeasurable satisfaction.. Breathing becomes faster
She took control.. He was new.. So she would be the master
I like the imagery you use with her heart exploding.. He's got her adrenilene (however you spell it) pumping it seems.. When you say turned the music up, it makes me think of a movie with music in the background goin louder... The music makes the piece so much deeper, and I don't think to many people would notice it... But just picture yourself in his position.. music sorta in the background, then as you get more intamite the music gets louder... louder... Your in a different world... The music does alot for me, great job... Then breathing becomes faster! thats what I was talking about, your gettin deeper and deeper into the romantic moment and its like living thru slow motion, cause your enjoying it so much... Most girls do take controll, whether the guy is new or not.. lol..
Would be a disaster.. If it was the other way around
He was a virgin.. She wasnt.. She was on the rebound
Caught the bags her ex threw to the ground..
The guy seemed to be doing good with caressing her tits and kissing her neck and shit, I never woulda guessed he was a virgin... But I see I understand that thats the reason it would be a disaster if he took controll..
.. But also caught another thing
At the time she coudnt see what problems..
.. Not using a condom would bring
All for a fling.. Her hatred for men is scary
This silly lad thought that he was popping her cherry
She caught another thing? Can't be a STD, cause buddy's a virgin... But I'm forwhadowing a baby.. I havent read farther then this yet just so ya know... I guess thats why she hates men or something?? LMAO at buddy thinkin he was poppin her cherry, proves he's definetly new at this...
But she is wary.. Giving it out but she is nervous
She has alterior motives..
.. She has him there for a purpose
Hatched a plan under the surface.. All kept quiet
She has just embarked upon her Man-Eating diet
I just want to point out at this point, that your rhyme scheme is really unique.. I like it.. Shes up to something, I dunno what but you say she hates men, I dunoo.. She has him there for a purpose, and I dont think its to get pregnent... Great imagery.. Hatched a plan under the surface, Very deep.. Man eating diet? Dayum... Crazy bitch.. This guys not going to be happy he had her "For The First Time"...
Would start a riot.. Her mind crazed as she hovered
Poised over his penis that was no longer covered
She wasnt bothered.. About to wreck his life forever
Didnt care like "Whatever"..
.. As she embarked upon her endeavor
Flow is crazy in this man.. Good job on that.. This just keeps getting deeper and deeper.. Leading to the climax of the story, nice job keeping it suspenseful... I hope she isnt going to bite his dick off... Hovering over it uncovered.. About to wreck his life.. Shit son... This is very interesting..
Didnt mind whoever.. Any man diserved what she would give
Cuz her ex gave her a present for which she would never forgive
Hatred squeezed through the sieve that was her mind
Then she lowered down and they both easily combined
Ok not gonna bite his dick off, her last boy friend gaver her an STD, and shes filled with hatred.. Gonna give him a disease, Im gettin it now.. Great job on making this suspenseful... I was like, shit this is long.. But like always with dope pieces I was waiting to find out what happened next.. You had me guessing and I was wrong about shit, so you did a good job making me guess... These bars are very deep.. Great metaphorical use and imagery...
Legs became entwined.. Juices mixed up and merged
An orgasm through his body is what suddenly surged
His penis emerged.. Tainted with it forvever and a day
As this was the first time the girl..
.. Had ever passed on AIDS
Shit man great ending... Imagery is fucking perfect, the way you describe the exchange of bodily fluids.. Takes you right into depth, like you were microscopic and watching these fluids going crazy and shit.. Great job.. I like how the title can mean two things.. It can mean it was the first time buddy had sex, which is what I thought the title meant.. But then at the very end you realize its because its the first time she passes on AIDS... This piece was beautifully written... Imagery, metaphors, everything just came together to make this a perfect piece..

Man, this was an amazing piece.. You got a great passion for writing, and can go right into depth with things in how you desribe them.. At points shit was like slow motion.. Like I was experiencing it, or rather brought up some memories.. lol.. This piece had me wanting to read more and more, because I was so interested in finding out what happens to the guy, as you can see I thought a couple different things would happen.. It was like a suspenseful romance.. lol.. Very original concept.. I think almost anyone else would have done a shitty job with this topic.. Great job.. Something we can relate too.. Except for the catching aids part (for most of us anyways..)... I cant think of anything you need to improve upon... Everything was really nice..

Well I'm going to have to stop here, because I could ramble for quite awhile, Im pretty sure I expresed everything I wanted too...

If you could hit up either of the pieces in my sig itd be much appreciated.. Thanks..

Peace.

Whoa.. ^^

Thats some in-depth reply!

Thanks..

Thanks to all of the replies..

Up..

Pz..

what everyone else said...

Twist was very good - I liked it - you surprised me. Flow was nice, etc, etc. Not the first time you've come with the X-rated stuff... saw one part that seemed off:

".. But also caught another thing
At the time she coudnt see what problems..
.. Not using a condom would bring"

Thought either the first line here needed to be longer or the next two shortened a little somehow. Nice work again Free - hit my Breathless when you get a chance - peace.

dammmmmmmmm
this piece is by far the best piece i've every read from you, such a great rhyming scheme to start with the piece flowed together so well, it was like i didnt wanna stop!! vocab was very good also!! the best bit by far was the emotion you potrayed, and the way you used the words to describe stuff!! good message this om is sending out to people. great stuff, i'm goin to vote this of om of the month!1 pz man 9/10

ya know what to do, under my sig. pz

Lol..

The X-Rated stuff owns..

You know you all love it..

Its so easy to write aswell..

Lol..

Up..

Pz..