User Tag List

Showing results 1 to 9 of 9

Thread: lonely church

  1. #1
    Fucking SEXY! Bare Knuckles's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Location
    Insomniacs.
    Posts
    669
    Battle Record
    5-1

    lonely church

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=119622
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=119132


    shadows loom in darkness - a golden chalice shines and glows
    the hollow organ echoes and plays its final note
    the church tower chimes eerily… but its rope sways in sharp silence
    like an orchestra of ghosts playing the strings of a heart’s violin
    but perched before the towering altar is a coffin
    covered with memorial flowers and inside a body is locked in
    in it rests an unknown soldier who died in an early morning
    of the war - now he’s awaiting his friends and family to adorn him
    his medal of honour proudly sits atop every merit and badge
    and draped over the golden rails is an American flag
    which is pressed against the polished wood in all its splendour
    that will no doubt force tomorrow’s funeral procession to remember
    the body locked inside… for this man was a torn up soldier
    who didn’t care for death - but only cared to hear, “the war is over”

    it’s the morning of the funeral… the sun rises over the horizon
    suddenly the church doors burst open - a woman runs inside - crying
    cause she can’t stop wondering how vile this life is
    all she wants is more time and… she wants to pour her eyes in-
    -to an ocean of tears - because her emotions are fear
    and she’s mad at death since he took her little soldier from here
    “he was a good boy” she whispered through her watery tears
    “i could name his every action and get lost in those years…
    he would never let harmful poison escape from his mouth, cause
    he was the type of son any mother would be proud of
    but i’m afraid all is lost - cause my boy is dead and gone…”
    and so i kept listening on the other side of the confession box

    it’s the morning after the funeral… the sun rises over the horizon
    suddenly the doors burst open - the same woman runs inside - crying
    uncontrollable tears that blear her face and stain her cheeks
    a quivering mouth too ashamed to speak… she’s pained - she sees
    visions of death now - it’s haunting and makes her eyes flare
    cause she spends every waking moment living a nightmare
    “i saw my boy again… his head was impaled on a post
    his eye sockets were empty and his face was as pale as a ghost
    the rest of his body lay on the ground - his slender fingers laying idle
    as his disembowelled intestines carefully wrapped the trigger on his rifle
    this isn’t normal… is it? god, i just want to taste what life is like
    instead of living in a world - haunted by my dead son who stands by my side
    i cry everlasting tears for him, so how am i supposed to see?
    yet i know this sounds weird… but i always feel him close to me”

    her words echoed through the lonely church…
    i always feel him close to me

    so i climbed out of the confession box - ever so quietly
    then opened the door to the adjoining confession booth at the side of me
    i opened the woman’s stiff arms, lifted them high then locked them
    around the nape of my neck - and while she continued talking
    i kissed her gently on the cheek, cause i didn’t want her to fear me
    and i whispered, “i’m alright, momma”
    even though i knew she couldn’t hear me
    so no longer was i the son and soldier she heartedly prayed to
    cause from that day on… my mother called me - “guardian angel”
    It's me - Bare Knuckles!
    Yes.. the rumours are true.

    Alias: Atheist.

  2. #2
    \(^-^)/ Freeman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Posts
    1,828
    Battle Record
    24-11
    iight..

    Nice "story-telling" piece here..

    Good imagery..

    Infact.. This has fucking depressed me, you hoe!

    I was all happy before I read this.. Now look what you did.. Ah well..

    Good flow..

    Liked how you put the mother speaking into the piece..

    Made it seem much more real..

    Erm.. Yea.. Good vocabulary that was relevent to the piece..

    I actually read your pieces properly, so you should be honoured.. Lol..

    Good, clean drop..

    Not much to fault..

    Except.. The transitions could of been smoother.. But that is minor..

    Keep up..

    And while your up there.. Hit the topical battle in my sig..

    Thank you.. ..

    Pz..

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  3. #3
    catholic schoolgirls rule Sand's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Los Angeles
    Age
    36
    Posts
    2,241
    Battle Record
    27-18
    ehh, this sucked






    follow me on Instagram @updowndaps

  4. #4
    Back By Popular Demand... ELEETE's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Location
    San Jose (Bay Area), California
    Age
    41
    Posts
    837
    Battle Record
    1-0
    Geez Bare....You are now part of my Top 5 Fav Topical Heads on RB

    Man this was dope shit here...You have a great talent in story telling

    Real vivid in detail...Like Free said this shit was depressing.....

    Goddamn what is going on in that head of your...

    Man basically all your shit was on point here...Dope job my good man.....

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  5. #5
    Fucking SEXY! Bare Knuckles's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Location
    Insomniacs.
    Posts
    669
    Battle Record
    5-1
    Quote Originally Posted by Sand
    ehh, this sucked






    asshole.

    thanks for all the advice. this is just my rough version for the rstl, so i will try and fix it up. thanks, guys.
    It's me - Bare Knuckles!
    Yes.. the rumours are true.

    Alias: Atheist.

  6. #6
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Posts
    9,864
    What always gets me about your pieces in your unique flow.
    This was again incorporated in this piece. You have a stop/start
    method that a lotta peeps try to recreate. But never seem to
    pull it off. The detail in which you explained came good here.
    I like to describe eerie place too. Your 3rd paragraph etched
    in my mind the most. This was due to the change in flow
    & the emotion put into it. I found more effort here.
    Vocab' remained consistant & multis were good.
    I would love to see an amusing piece from you though.
    Summit different..away from the RB grain.
    Hit me up on aim..PsDetained
    We'll get summit down.

    Make sure ya hit this up plz
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=120174

  7. #7
    Fucking SEXY! Bare Knuckles's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Location
    Insomniacs.
    Posts
    669
    Battle Record
    5-1
    blaoh.
    It's me - Bare Knuckles!
    Yes.. the rumours are true.

    Alias: Atheist.

  8. #8
    Fucking SEXY! Bare Knuckles's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Location
    Insomniacs.
    Posts
    669
    Battle Record
    5-1
    up, up, up and away.
    It's me - Bare Knuckles!
    Yes.. the rumours are true.

    Alias: Atheist.

  9. #9
    BEST topical writer... Endeva.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    N.E.England
    Posts
    8,020
    Battle Record
    34-10
    Awards OM WOTM SS HOF SS HW Champion OM HOF 25+ Wins
    i thought this was ok.. the sotry telling was decent, but ive seen you write with alot better coplexity, and bringing much more diversty to your works... it wasnt bad, but the scheme let it down a bit.. your SS verses are alot better.. also the length of it took away, combined with the scheme.... dunno, jus wasnt feeling this one much... jus my opinion,... you hit some emotion, but still........ hit mine thnx
    [youtube]99ns8n2S40g[/youtube]

Similar Threads

  1. do you go to church?
    By Stranger in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 16
    Last Post: December 24th, 2013, 04:24 PM
  2. A Lonely Church: Remain in Faith [W.o.P. Verse]
    By Cody Nash in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: January 24th, 2008, 02:50 AM
  3. Church!
    By Tuckz in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: June 27th, 2007, 08:25 AM
  4. do you go to church?...
    By RXL in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 56
    Last Post: November 30th, 2006, 01:10 AM

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •