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Night and Day
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=303820
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=303832
Night and Day
http://img1.imagetitan.com/img1/1/23/war.jpg
*The Life Of Me*
Sleepless nights and days left sitting all alone
Sunrise, Sunset my eyes don't see the difference
Living under society with no place to call a home
I blink once and the world around me is belligerent
A man is prepared to go out and fulfill his commitment
Captain Smith takes a long breath in and then sighs
"...I love you boy and don't you ever forget it...."
The boy shakes his head and tries to hide his cries
*A War Breaks Out*
The likes of human beings in uproar over religion
Supplies run low and our able-bodied men are few
A boy now suited up like the soldier that he isn't
Given a chance to prove his love for the people soon
Cross-hatched fields, where grain waves swiftly
A set-up for failure awaits many who are called
Next moment I knew my fate and then it hit me
I don't have a way to escape the hatred at all
*The Re-Connection*
Dog tags flailing, along with arms and bodies bloody
See we can always fight our eyes out, does it help?
CLICK....ROLL....BOOM...a grenade takes our buddies
A fellow soldier says, "Boy come see this for yourself"
As they gasp and tear up, the gases start to clear up
The boy cries, "I've lost everything to live for in life"
Confused and shaken, the men looked just near him
The boy praying to God, with his dad's body by his side
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wow thanks for all the feed....
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man i gotta say for a newb witch i dont think you are you got mad skillz in open mic
stay being hot this was fire and was real touchin ...Ya Dig....
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damn....
that was really touching stuff man...
if you really are new to this than just wow, even if you werent new id give this piece a 10...
imagery was amazing... it felt like a really long tale was being summed up in 3 paragraphs which gave a special feel to it, as if the song was waiting to burst or something...
btw sorry for being mean today ;) send me the details you want for your sig and i'll happily make you one man...
keep up the good work :)
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Damn, Old Man.. Kudo's to you. 43, eh? I laugh at the notion of you being a "newb". I'm sure if you're e-age is honest you've been writing longer than most of the kids on this board have been alive.. It shows through this piece. Were you ever a soldier? Have you experienced combat? I was in the military for a few years.. You've accurately depicted the thought process of a traumatized soldier. Though I've never seen anything such as this.. I can imagine how terrible it could be.
I'm nominating this for the OM Hall of Fame. Perhaps we could work on a piece together in the future. Sooner than later works for me.
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Thank you...I feel very honored
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*A War Breaks Out*
The likes of human beings in uproar over religion
Supplies run low and our able-bodied men are few
A boy now suited up like the soldier that he isn't
Given a chance to prove his love for the people soon
Cross-hatched fields, where grain waves swiftly
A set-up for failure awaits many who are called
Next moment I knew my fate and then it hit me
I don't have a way to escape the hatred at all
*The Re-Connection*
Dog tags flailing, along with arms and bodies bloody
See we can always fight our eyes out, does it help?
CLICK....ROLL....BOOM...a grenade takes our buddies
A fellow soldier says, "Boy come see this for yourself"
As they gasp and tear up, the gases start to clear up
The boy cries, "I've lost everything to live for in life"
Confused and shaken, the men looked just near him
The boy praying to God, with his dad's body by his side
from that start to finish got me real good and shocked in great depth of AWW...to your writing. nic eman i loved your emotion and metaphors executed in this very good touching writing man...really good man. nice shit.
RTF on my last link or second link please.
we should collab sometime
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Sure thing ^ and BTW Split...I never was in the war...family weas though...this is what I imagined it to be like
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well old man write to this topic im almost done with my verse thats why so when i comeback on later i can post it up
topic
PICTURE PERFECT
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dope drop man i liked this not much was wrong
flow was really nice it didnt fall at any point
u had some complex bars but u couldve made it better and more complex
u used big words once in a while but not very often which is very good
strutre was really good i think u shouldve used a nice font...
nice multies u had some in every bar
and a really nice topic u dont see this done much which made it good to read
please hit up my om
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Well send me yours and then I can add on....
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ok old man will do when i get back on later
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Thanks and put me in HoF if you agree with Split
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nice shit, more like a poem tho. I dig it, even though the concept is played, as i've probably said on everybody elses OM about war, this one has to be one of the most touching ones I've read..props to you, I like the approach. It was a nice read, look foward to seeing more, and maybe working with you in the future. and I really do have to ask, pm me the answer or somethin', are you really an old man who's new to this site? have you been on other sites, you are waaaaaaaaay too dope to be brand new to rap forum sites and what not.
Holla at me later tho. Keep dropping dope ;)
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nice piece, as we all know the concept is a played, but it's a dope one so i have no problem with that, i felt this piece, it seems like youve had experience reading this, you have prolly been writing longer than most of the kids on rb, so that shows you ability, i'll keep peepin your shit, so keep postin some up, well done drop, peace.
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Thank you guys....2 HoF nominations...wow
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This was good man. Emotion was felt fully. I think you could work on your rhyme scheme some. It was a little basic here. But other than that it was good. Vocabulary was good as well as your flow. Structure was good and the ending was much felt. Good work on a whole me. Keep writing.
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This was a rather smooth read, kind of basic in terms of imagery and language and story line. Emotion did not stand out as much as people are saying here, so I'm kind of wondering were all that came from. Nice peotic structure and feel to it, I used to use that format back inthe day, helps keep things transitioning well. I enjoyed the read, but it was rather simplistic and I do not see this in our OM HoF archive, not by a long shot. Everything in this peice has been done before and better, compared to soem of the forced and awkward OM;s in here as of late, I can see how people like this. Not HoF worthy though, not close in my eyes. I thought you story line was rather shallow, and could have been better developed, but was touching so that helped. I felt that the peice lacked in imagery, solid pictures were nto being painted, but beyond all that you did manage to pull off a good read. I would suggest looking into a more gripping edge of your seat storyline and better crafted rhyme scheme, as they were all soft in my honest opinion. good, but not HoF...
Thanks for sharing your work and we encourage you to take advantage of our forum here and look forward to watching your growth as a writer.
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Omega u idiot... Picture Perfect is still what we're doing in WV dont do another 1!!!
Neways Old Man... I told you b4 when u tried out i dont kno text very well nemore and i didnt really kno how to judge it, but one thing i do kno how to judge is topicals, and this my friend, was outstanding. although the topic is a little played, i like the twist that you set on it, it gave it an original element and made it more enjoyable... The structure and flow was on point and consistent throughout the piece... i enjoyed the rhyme scheme alot, it was unique and interesting. one thing you do need to work on is your multis because i saw few in this piece... Vocabulary was outstanding, it added on to the imagry and emotion of the piece and was very intelligent... one other thing you seemed to be lacking at the beginning was emotion, but by the end of the piece i could sense the strength of your emotion... try to keep it more consistent throughout..
definately a good job here, possibly HoF worthy, but now i kno how good u r so if u still want in the reunion tell me...
if you have the time leave feed on one of the OMs in my sig. thanks
~1~
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yea wassup OAP dude. nice write.... poetic enjambment was executed well. concept was uhm. like war. a bit meh in substance but handled well here. flow / rythym was TOO tite........ execution or words and grammar was mensa standards..
wordplay was loopy.......... imagery was ridiculous.......... appears like a poem but if u follow the run ons properly it flow real rap . so yeah i got it like that.........
outstanding lines=
Dog tags flailing, along with arms and bodies bloody
See we can always fight our eyes out, does it help?
CLICK....ROLL....BOOM...a grenade takes our buddies
last few lines i lost the flow wa touch. maybe coz there was a difference in the rhymes. or i lost where the rhymes where. but still saw rythym was ther tho
nice imaginitive joint
hit this joint up. if n when u got time
My Psychic Ability. feat Pakaveli
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=303797
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Thanks men...I will get at your pieces shortly
