The Devil's Burden

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July 21st, 2006, 02:27 PM
Lauren.

The Devil's Burden

The Devil's Burden
~
Finding souls to ensnare in that eternal lake of sulfur
Forced to hear the shrieks of woman as he sees the flames engulf her
He faces stinging heat without the Son, never pleading for forgiveness
He already knows the end but he's still forced to relive this
Lost the ultimate battle even before its shattered conception
With no perception of the advent of his painful reception
He's called the snake of deception though his sly crawl's been exposed
Because of one surge of ego now his honor stands disposed
Hated and reposed, he seeks comfort through grimy corruption
Those greedy dispose themselves for a dose of neural disruption
He diplays a facade of all-powerful prevalence
While transforming lost hearts into deep-scarred devil tints
Charistmatically tangling his web through the hate-twisted weeds
Ungratefully denying all offers of grace which he needs
He proceeds to torment, causes these tears to torrent
For any heart mangled as his is forever one war-bent
And he'll never repent when he feels no conviction
He speaks misleading words with soothing dereliction
Empty promise of power lures those without moral discernment
Into vile chains of bondage as his dark, wicked servant

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=302133
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...67#post4739267
July 21st, 2006, 02:31 PM
Jyung

yo thats some good rhyme schemes you got goin shits hot gotta go look at the rest
July 21st, 2006, 10:21 PM
Lauren.

thanks, upping
July 21st, 2006, 10:46 PM
j.frank

I like this I like how your repping God
July 22nd, 2006, 12:05 AM
Infamouz

you had a decent flow..nice vocab and wordplay..keep this shit up girl...goos mettas and multies..some parts could have used work cause it feel off but nice anyway
overall.8/10
July 22nd, 2006, 12:09 AM
Whyte Gunz

Good job this was a really good read, good flow, structure. Metaphors and wordplay was there. nice multis and rhyme scheme. Overall this was a good read. 8.5/10
July 22nd, 2006, 12:10 AM
Lauren.

thanks wow, 2 feeds in 5 minutes lol
July 22nd, 2006, 12:16 AM
Infamouz

return the feed in my OM plz
July 22nd, 2006, 12:51 AM
Lauren.

I will tomorrow when I can focus
July 22nd, 2006, 11:35 AM
Lauren.

upping
July 23rd, 2006, 01:35 AM
Lauren.

meh don't sleep on me
July 23rd, 2006, 06:22 PM
Lauren.

upping
July 23rd, 2006, 07:42 PM
White Dice

fiya this was a good piece.
had nice vocab n it
ur rhyme scheme was nice
n all it was a good piece
i look forward to seein more
July 24th, 2006, 07:02 PM
Lauren.

thanks for the feed, upping
July 25th, 2006, 06:05 PM
Lauren.

upping feed
July 26th, 2006, 03:02 PM
Lauren.

...getting slept on
November 4th, 2006, 12:57 AM
..IllThoughtZ..

Quote:

Finding souls to ensnare in that eternal lake of sulfur
Forced to hear the shrieks of woman as he sees the flames engulf her

nice intro...used very good imagery...
this piece was a decent read..not too bad...but your rhyme scheme got to be repetitive by the time i was finished reading it which made it very bland...you also could've used a lot more multies in this to make it flow better..you used very nice vocab and placed them perfectly where they need to be...im not too wowed with the concept because i've seen so many pieces like this....im not trying to be overcriticizing but im just being honest...take it how u want it...but overall this piece wasnt too bad but it wasnt too great either...