pureness

upon first meeting eyes of green and brown were mixed
love had to be fixed perfection of thier unsepretable lips
their nations differ at war but with them it's only peace
at least they can be openly together when they decease
but they have found a secret place their own santuary
the woman grows weary of this war so the man carrys
... her through the morning grass with droplets of dew
he's told her that she was the only love he ever knew
he as he whispers to her I on to her and he on to you
one day this'll be over.. their departure return to lives
instead of these love lies that will never be inscribed
the sun dissapears behind a radiance of amber an gold
he knows one day they will be killed and their story told
across all nations when their are peaceful as a legend
she mutters to him i will stay forever wit u in this heaven
still the darkness aproaches but it will bring a new day
plants erupting from the soil in the meadows they lay
hearing the distant percussion and calling from a sea
hoping they stay in each others arms for all eternity
the man continues to worry he feels he has to belive
that this love shall never perish that they wont leave
that night a child was concievied..........................
but from the everyone else that truth was sheathed
the woman always feels total joy always in pure bliss
she never thinks of this knows their are limits not risks
and the woman.. she deliverd perfectly and gave birth
to a child with infanite potential, greatness, and worth
willows drooping they stare intametly across flower beds
in their heads they know that they finally, secretly wed
and their child. continued to grow more and was raised
sun danced, haze this place seemed all pretend a daze
the days that followed the dreaded day was apporachin
that the couple and thier child will be seprete by ocean
hope one day they'd meet again at the ends of the earth
the child would go with his mother cause she gave birth
they knew that the day was there when they saw ships
one last kiss before they boarded mouthed wit they lips
they bid eachother one inveditable goodbye and farwell
they could already tell that this seperations was a hell
she tells her father that she found the baby on shore
her father accepts this and brings the baby on board
both crying for days in their rooms for what once was
because... it branded them and thats what love does
if she see's him just once more she'll be happy only then
but tears will flow between them until they meet again

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...90#post4662990
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...95#post4662995

uppin some feed on this

What's 'deace'?

Thats not a word... lol.

sorry bout that decease is what i meant plz leave feed though

decease still doesnt make sense...shouldn't it be "when they are deceased"? You used decease as an action. You don't decease. When you are dead.. you are deceased.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Evolve

decease still doesnt make sense...shouldn't it be "when they are deceased"? You used decease as an action. You don't decease. When you are dead.. you are deceased.

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damn thats just what i was gonna write, i mean sometimes you can pull certain lil things off, but that threw it a bit i thought,, got feeling into the piece though... decent job

Actually, you can 'decease'

When you end life, you decease. Hence 'Your father has deceased' would be the past and present tense, and to 'decease' would be future tense, maybe borderline present, depending on the rare occasion of weird grammar :rolleyes:

He used decease to describe their deaths in the future, so yes, as much as we both hate to admit, the little guy is actually right.

Damnit, is it just me or did RB just get slightly smarter?

sorry fine i'll change it again but plz leave some feed on the acutal peice

uppins

it was a good piece. dont worry about what they said, its really just one era you overlooked but otherwise it was good. the rhymes were kinda basic but the piece was once again, good. the story was very long i dont know how they let you off on that part.

thx uppin some feed

uppins

plz leave feed on this

cmon plz feed on this

you need a lot of work man, this was well below the average. Many flaws in the peice, form misused words to the use of non existant words, (at least in modern times). I was quicly turned off by the flaws in this peice, one bieng brought up in feed above and others such as unseperable... In the terms of yuur verse and context, since I didn;t see ny hints of classic language, the word should have been inseperable. Now if you were writing this in classic languge I might have given you that, since the word does show up in that context. But it's cler that you were not striving for that, isnce the peice was way out of it's league if that were the case.

Your rhyme scheme was the issue moe than anything else, it was baisic and very novice. You had some areas where your discription was good, but nothing original, it was all done before, such as the line with...

morning grass with droplets of dew

now tghat is real good use of imagery, but not origianl, I have read people use the veryr same description countless times, so I just could not get into this peice.

better luck next time, you have a long way to go interms of elevation, so keep working on it..

ok i now relize this rhyme scheme was to basic i'll try to drop something with a more complex one next time uppin some feed

uppins

You had alot of grammatical flaws and spelling issues, but the piece was pretty emotional. I mean, everything else was just kind of there and I felt like the piece dragged a bit... But there was still this feeling of heart and true emotion throughout that kept me reading. So even though I really didn't like the piece, it had a sort of charm to it that made it interesting. You've not nice emotive lines, I'd suggest you venture off into more complicated rhyme schemes and metaphorically driven metaphors to achieve a more well rounded piece.

And... You can't "decease." It's not a verb, it's an adjetive. One can't decease, but he can kill, murder, ect. but you can't death, dead, or decease someone.

ok well with the decease thing everyones telling me different things so ima leave that one alone but thx for the feed uppins

uppins

plz feed on this