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The 3 Lovers
The Obsessed Lover
I知 your beating heart, how will you stop it from beating
I知 the breath you breathe, will you stop yourself from breathing
I知 the light of your eyes, will you close them and stop seeing
I知 the faith of love, how will you stop yourself from believing
I知 the quencher of thirst, how will you control the yearning
I知 the shimmering candle, can you stop your heart from burning
The False Lover
I am the reckless choice, that proved your end
I知 the melodious voice, that seduced your friend
I知 the quencher of lust, that fulfilled your thirst
I知 the fragile bubble of life, that was fit to burst
I知 a soul mates soul, that learns to love no more
I am the un-dealt card, first stored unleashed I tore
The pulsating veins of beloved they fell in my hands
I知 the lone man with only 1 set of footprints in the sands
The Lover that Never was
Murree I wish I were the blessed attire that drapes your skin
I wish I were the air, into which your sweet voice does sing
Beloved, I wish I were the pigment that caressed you lips
I wish I were a fountain, so I could cup your face when it dips
I wish I were the raindrop, then dearest, I would致e been adept
To embody your soul, I wish I was the bed onto which you slept
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This was a very strong and emotional piece, but due to the format and structuring I doubt as many people will apreciate it. It comes off more poetic simply for the repetitive nature, so that may become irritating to a reader who's looking for more diversity in terms of an Om. But whatever, being a poet I really apreciated everything about this. I loved the content, it was very brash yet was never really vulgar or obtuse... It just walked a thin line between over the top and outright. My favorite was the 'Obsessed Lover.' That one had the most emotion to me just because it was more intense than the others. Intensity is much easier to create than subtle tone. Overall, nice piece man I enjoyed it alot.
I'd apreciate it if you could return the favor:
As Seen on Tv!
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=295345
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Preciate the comment, yeah this was more poetic than Omish, but then agin practically everything i write i stick it in here anyway. I'll check your work, just give me a sec.
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This was cool, but very short. It was so short that I couldn't get into the first and last stanza because it looks like you got lazy with your wriitng. With a concept like this you should take advantage of the point you're trying to make. My favorite part was the false lover because 1) it had more lines 2) you seemed to have more energy and emotion while writing it, like it hit you on a personal level. Overall, this was real cool. Hit up one of my pieces.
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Preciate the comments, i wrote this at 3:00AM with a headache cause i had gone ta Star city and shit...but yeah preciate the comments i'll check your piece give me a sec
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Yea i liked this..i was feeling the emotion throughout...
rhymes were good and flow was smooth throughout
consistant all the way through... good job man
i liked this..keep it up..
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Okes so it might be because I'm not in a "mushy" mood lol, but I liked the false lover more. It seems to me that you were a little more creative on that part. Maybe its because its harder to write sweet and lovey dovey thing than it is to write evil and michevious. I think its the boundaries. But then again it could be because we live in a sick and twisted world. Your rhyme scheme was basic in this but I like that you are constantly trying new styles to better yourself and your writting. Nice job Paki ;)
I know I have already told you this...but eh, why not repeat it to bump you up some right?
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You had a good concept but very short,you could of had it be a lil more stronger on the point you were trying to get at. You didnt use alot of adjectives,you could of had a better vocabulary. It looks like a Poem as Myself said.
The pulsating veins of beloved they fell in my hands
I知 the lone man with only 1 set of footprints in the sands
^I liked that line the most beacause it gave a example of 1 man and being alone. it was preety sick. Id like to see more lines like this from you.
hit up my Om in my sig pz nice work
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shit yo. mad respect son. real emotional piece right here. hot me thinkin mad things man. I liked the simplicity in this piece but also the way it came and jumped out at the reader and it was in your face in a soft lovely way. the flow was good. but i felt the rhythm wasnt the main point you were trying to present with this and i respect that...not to many cats come up with originality like you do and i give you props for that for real.
yo. i pmed you about my crew. hit me back on it.
-Peace
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Very nice concept. Very well set up, you have alot of skills, vocab, rhyming, structure, it was all there. Keep doing what you are. I do have some critizing to do with your emotion being heavy in one stanza, then barely anything in the other. But anyway, overall it was good.
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Preciate the comments and the pointers i'll work on them, I'll hit up your piece soon optical, ayo Isis what pm.....let me check my other account
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