Irony infused with Sorrow, Love, and Rage...

Irony Infused with Sorrow, Love, and Rage...

When I see the glowing, I'm knowing...
Transformation's drawing near...
Sketching such a painful portrait...
Illumination now brings fear.

It starts off with a tiny light, far off in the distance...
Shimmering and dancing against the night, triggering my condition.
The apparition, like a magician, intoxicates my vision...
And without permission, hits the ignition that starts the demolition.

Slow corrosion? Not in my case...damage rises alarmingly...
Like an explosion behind my face, forcing me to do harm to me.
Take to roads, spinning tires...acid breath from too much booze...
While my rage gauge overloads from the fires of being abused.

So screwed am I feeling, when just earlier I was content...
But the light has a hidden meaning, and it no longer wants to pretend.
That it doesn't control this vessel, this body and brain of mine...
It seems my soul is nestled in a domain I thought I'd left behind.

S'been 3 years, 9 months, and 22 days since fate sent it's hate...
In the form of a Ford doing 74 and no longer driving straight.
He was irate with chemical weight, and his drink was spiked...
Bringing death on meth to my beautiful daughter as she rode her bike.

Try as I might, to go on with life; something my baby can't do...
In a casket closed while I'm in sorrow's throes and the pain only accrues.
It's true to think I'm at my brink, doing exactly what killed my girl...
I just can't maintain the horrible pain, it warps everything in my world.

It makes me hurl, throw up everything; now I sit covered in hot bile...
While the pedal smothers the metal...then I see a tot's smile.
Far ahead of me, but not far enough; my engine's wound too high...
So instead of braking I end up making...a decision, then close my eyes.

Didn't wanna see what happened next, but now I know I broke my neck...
When I swerved over the curb, and hit the telephone pole direct.
I inspect my surroundings, attempt floundering, but movement won't happen...
So I have to dictate my verse to a nurse for this to come across as rappin.

Bottom line, sorrow sucks...it'll consume and eat a dude...
Cuz losing a child simply ain't something any parent's due.
But before I go, lemme let you know...just how far this story goes...
The boy I nearly hit came to visit...
Said an angel watches over him...and that my daughter says hello.


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=232345

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=232338

Very nice Born...


The opening stanza set this up beutifully and all the way through the flow of reading was great

I dont know wether this is a true story or not but from the emotion in this piece it looks like your telling from experiences, which should compliment you on how good emotion is if its not true...

The last line finished it nicely as should always be done ofcourse

Nice piece

Feed on this?
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...45#post3150045

agree with prophet
shit was well written, well structured and wordplay was gd
good job

Man...how in the fuck are you gonna sleep on this???

agree with Bam Bam..............
9.4543646/10 =)

vocab was on point

The rhymes were better than the actual story. I think you can do better.

I should slap the fuckin shit outta you! - BTK

This was a really dope piece, the concept was original and real dark.
The story switched up between the bars i thought i got what the story was gonna be about after the first four bars but then you flipped it and went off into a different storyline and that was real impressive to me a lot of oms just tell a basic story in the same way it just gets too predictable.
But this piece just kept me reading your imagery was really descriptive and dark, i write similar pieces but i gotta be real and say this was just brilliant makes my shit seem average imagery wise. Your vocab is strong but you dont overuse it like a lot of writers in om you werent just putting big words together for the sake of it it was just describing your emotions feelings and actions of the others in the story it was dope.
This line really described what a persons mind state would be like if the situation you wrote about was real:
'It starts off with a tiny light, far off in the distance
'Shimmering and dancing agaisnt the night, triggering my condition'
^Just real nice lines good emotion draws you into the rest of the story.
too many nice li8nes in this piece for me to quote them all.
I like when stories have a twist at the end and yours did with the dead little boy visiting you and telling you your daughter said hello you couldnt of ended the verses better. I wouldnt say this was critiscm but i think your pieces would be even more dope maybe if you mixed in some multies/internals obviously you know what these are but like i said this was dope couldnt hate on anything.

Oh i think the reason a lot of people sleep on your pieces is cause maybe cause you dont return the feed. I know theres a lot of shit writers in OM but i think i got some skills can you return the feed on my piece id appreciate some feed off you, peace.

Know My Name Now?
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=232302

very very impressive piece..emotion was good imagery was on point and very discriptive i like the switch in storyline it was unpredicitable therefore worked in your favour...this was a very long piece but still i read it and enjoyed it due to the fact you wrote it so well..i didnt find it boring like i do most long piece's which was impressive in its own right..very nice piece...keep dropping


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=232603
^^please hit that its not an OM its a poem but feed would still be very much appreciated thankz

I will edit this with an indepth reply tomorrow, cause you catched me at a bad time.. im about to go offline..

but i will reply later.

This drop is at the top of the chain. The words you chose to give the audience of visual concept of what is happening in this piece are amazing. This written is composed of a lot of great elements that will make this piece truely rememarble...

Excellent Drop...

nice text drop old man...


my suggestion to you... stop posting in Open Mic... go to the poetical section...










Open Mic = wackness...


This = something I'd collab with... or atleast produce if you ever got your punk ass a mic and recorded... :)







all in all imagery good... not really sure how you would make this into a song or anything but fuck that... I liked... You make me wanna leave the one I'm with...

damn. this is one of your better pieces for sure

these four lines were especially strong:

Slow corrosion? Not in my case...damage rises alarmingly...
Like an explosion behind my face, forcing me to do harm to me.
Take to roads, spinning tires...acid breath from too much booze...
While my rage gauge overloads from the fires of being abused.

there's alot of emotion and depth in this... I like the way the rhythm kept me reading.. I almost never read an entire OM this long.. I definitely read this one in it's entirety..

this had me like damn:

ut before I go, lemme let you know...just how far this story goes...
The boy I nearly hit came to visit...
Said an angel watches over him...and that my daughter says hello.

*chills*

Legends...
pz

oh but a title change, is a MUST

it needs to be a little more abstract maybe, at least not such a description..

pz

What should I change it to?

And thanks, everyone...the feedback is really appreciated.

dam born this shit was dope as hell man..
i am not too big on open mics..but i was really feelin this shit..
even though the ending wasnt as bad as the rest of the story i am hoping
this didnt happen to you..i really felt the pain, regret and sorrow in this piece
it was deep...the word selection was on point, and the rhyme scheme was perfect..
wasnt to long, but long enuff to get the point across...

very interesting piece here man...it was truly one of your best...

I'm not sure... only the writer can name their work.. but just something shorter/less descriptive.. or just as descriptive in an abstract way with a shorter title.. if that makes sense.. pz

Sick shit born, you caught me right before i was gonna write so im not gonna take forever to drop a reply but your shit was dope. The vocab isn't what i consider in a peice, but the vocab here was dope. The flow was good and the dynamics were all perfect. nice job. return the favor after i write something

You got it, my man...

Thank you.

A good topic Born, you should drop on here more often. It was a straightforward story, but poetically worded and well narrated to grab a readers attention. You combined strong imagery and just the right level of vocab with some solid multi's here. The end to the story was a great twist and made it worth the read. You kept my interest throughout. I see you've already picked up a nom for this piece. Good work man.

Keep writing, and please return the favour: http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=231715

Damn, as a father that touched me deep man. That last line fucken killed me bro. Well done, you nailed the emotion and anyone with a child could tell you this was on point from start to finish. I know for a fact that was hard to write (topically), you have to kill a portion of yourself to even begin to describe what losing YOUR OWN child is like, fiction or not. I have always strayed away from that, each time it is just too much to deal with emotionally, so I twist things a bit when I write like this. I am sure you were drained when this was completed and I know that last line must of been felt in your body and soul. Good job Born, you really pulled a reaction out of me, and anyone who has ever been subject to my feedback knows that doesn't come easy. You made this take on an OM original and familar at the same time, not an easy thing to do. Technically you held down all aspects of a solid verse, from assonance to a well planned out scheme. That keep the story alive and vivid without awkward interuption due to poor design. I read this many times and found no issues with the meter, everything was well balanced. Emotion, imagery, and description were solid. Your lines were well thought out and transitioned perfectly for me. I was not left feeling this lacked anything other than a statement telling these people YOUR daughter is fine. I knew that, but from the read anyone could be led to think otherwise. Great twist within the story line, and I love how the driver made a last minute desicion to NOT plow down the same path that lead to his own agony. It'll take a mature set of emotions to fully grasp just how good and impacting this was, so don't let the children in here take anything away from this peice. For a father to even attempt this kind of write is tough enough alone, more so when his world is his daughter. Much props to you man, like I said that would be really tough for me to attempt. I respect the fact that you did and pulled it off so well.

Quick note, great use of an emotionally paralyzed father evolving into the physical, very powerful suggestion there. This really knocked the write out the ball park, complex symbolisim applied in a very low key manner. Great!

I wuv you, Bounce!

this had a feeling to it, i liked the emotion, the topic was very nice, i enjoyed reading this troughout the whole peice....rhymes were really good, vocab was here, complexity was definately here as well, flow was smooth, structure was well layed out, i liked it a lot, keep it up man, you got sum dope skillz

can you return the feed for my dfrop one night, thanks

dope pice born. the vocab was real good on this. prolly some of the best vocab ive seen in a while, u didnt over or under do it it was right on key. Someone else already said this and yes u do need to change the title. This whole piece flowed together real well and the structure was real good. the topic was cool havent really seen much like it before so it was cool to see a good topc come together. the emotion through out was all good so good job on this piece.

check out my drop

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=232694

Bump!

ok ok.... very nice verse..... the vocabulary was very excellent.
you had a good flow as well for your structure, i enjoyrd readin every bit of this.... alot of people can relate to this piece.... loved it through out all the way.... 10/10

:cry: fuck i love you..

Nigga dat shit was garbage nigga you garbage you faggot ass rapper. Nigga im not a rapper im a street poet. bitch i paint pictures that all dem street niggaz can feel.


SO DONT TALK ME LIKE A FUCKIN RAPPER NIGGA I WILL MURDER YO ASS

BORN TO KILL MY ASS BITCH

YOU PROBABLY AINT KILLED SHIT NIGGA :shoot:

If you enter my thread again...

Consider yourself banned, bitch.

very very impressive piece..emotion was good imagery was on point and very discriptive..
it was unpredicitable which therefore worked in your favour...
this was a long piece but still i read it and enjoyed it due to the fact you wrote it so well..
i didnt loose interest half way thruogh like i do most long piece's
very nice piece...keep doing ya thing dog....

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Gutta Gutta

Nigga dat shit was garbage nigga you garbage you faggot ass rapper. Nigga im not a rapper im a street poet. bitch i paint pictures that all dem street niggaz can feel.


SO DONT TALK ME LIKE A FUCKIN RAPPER NIGGA I WILL MURDER YO ASS

BORN TO KILL MY ASS BITCH

YOU PROBABLY AINT KILLED SHIT NIGGA :shoot:

---

born...jus ban dat herb anyway.

the 8 lines left me saying "ok..." but this really picked up and became an extremely powerful peace in the end.

I give this piece a 9.5*.

This is the first OM I've read of yours, and I enjoyed it very much. Keep up the goodness.

*- Rated using the SOT2005 Rating Sytem using Microsoft Excel Spreadsheets. To obtain a spreadsheet rating generator please contact steveontrial via America Online Instant Messanger.

i like the first bit best 8/10 for the rest though

the flo was good and the structure

Dope shit Born. The emotional imagery was very descriptive. Multis on point. At one point it got confusing as to which kid died, etc... but it was still hot. Storyline quite obviously the strongest point. You also came out of your usual box in which you write, which is good. A name change might be in order though. It's very wordy, this is a more representation-entitled piece to me. But dope anyway.

Dope got damn piece...

I mean your discription of this story was amazing.
Your rhyme scheme flawless, freaking smooth rhetorical.
Your word usage discribed each scene greatly.
Got damn this was dope. Not much that I can
say . It was consistant throughout.

Great Job.