this land was made for?

through my bloodshot eyes i envision a place
where with precision we make another decision than hate
this incision that aches is inflamed by the derision of snakes
it's united we stand, yet still the division is great
& so down we fall, our thesis burns another week
prayed for a miracle & saw jesus turn the other cheek
wanted to kick & yell, but couldn't even learn to mutter squeaks
we're all on this ship to hell, i believe the stern.. its rudder's tweaked
i'ma milk the cow for what it's worth, you need to churn the butter freak
the redwood forest is petrified & the gulf stream in turn, a cluttered creek
see, i've heard the gutter leak, it filled my mind with vile thoughts
you claim to hear freedom ring, but we're all confined by styles taught
so when i'm near & people sing, i'm really inclined to smile... not
when i feel fear am i a g? nah, cuz i'm designed to cry a lot
rewind for miles doc, hopefully find the roots of disease
except i probably can't trust you, i don't know who to believe
i stay hidden from society, some of us grab the noose when we grieve
& i still salute you indeed, i just take a different route when i bleed
i'm clueless to creed, religion's all the same.. they're all vyin for wealth
i'm living to send this message to you, i'm actually dyin to tell
i'm trying to help those who are tired, well i'm tired of trying to help
& it's ironic how "the truth will set you free" is a lie in itself
so this land was made for you & me? that right there is a funny rap
cuz i bought into this life....... & now i want my money back

yay for LD.

i especially liked the line with jesus turning the other cheek. clever, very clever.

im a fan of this.

thanks dawg.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=205509
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=205362

Mad nice man, flow and multies were crazy so i was really feeling it.
The story was consistent which always helps a piece like this most people lose the story half way but you kept it going. The imagery was sick the last 2 bars were my favourites along with the jesus and the grab the noose when we grieve line. It was real nice, flow, imagery, vocab, wordplay were all on point i couldnt hate on nothing.

Return the feed on my new thread:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=205329

Nice piece man. Alotta real shit in there, flow was never off, and nothing really seemed pushed. I really felt the goverment statements and such, U worded them nicely. U could have made some good multies, that would of definitly helped. But other than that - perfect.

9.5 10

ill piece...i liked tha imagery....i liked tha vocab and complexity you incorporated with this......your structure was tight....i liked tha hyme scheme you had goin to...i thought this piece was reall creative and original...all in all i thought this piec was ill.keep droppin tha hottness.~1~

The piece started off strong with vocab and a nice rhyme scheme. They both made the piece interesting and worth reading. Your concepts were nice too. This line is one that stood out to me
you claim to hear freedom ring, but we're all confined by styles taught
The lines were long, but the rhyming kept it going smooth. The concepts for the closer and the turn the other cheek were both highlights, as other people also have been noting. Nice piece.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=205750

Nice ass drop...I was really feeling this piece...Flow was good and although some lines were stretched a little, it stayed on point...You had a nice use of multis in there too...Vocab was good...Content was good as well...There was a lot of nice imagery in there and you had quite a few stand out lines...I could really feel what you were saying and I liked the way you were getting your message across...Nice drop, keep it up...If you want to return the favor and leave some feedback check out either of the links in my sig...Thanks

d0pe drop Lay, those writing classes helped..

vocabulary is nice, the rhymes scheme is like whoa!, the main idea of the piece is interesting, and you stuck to it all the way through

so this land was made for you & me? that right there is a funny rap
cuz i bought into this life....... & now i want my money back

& so down we fall, our thesis burns another week
prayed for a miracle & saw jesus turn the other cheek

we're all on this ship to hell, i believe the stern.. its rudder's tweaked
i'ma milk the cow for what it's worth, you need to churn the butter freak


and finally

i stay hidden from society, some of us grab the noose when we grieve
& i still salute you indeed, i just take a different route when i bleed
i'm clueless to creed, religion's all the same.. they're all vyin for wealth
i'm living to send this message to you, i'm actually dyin to tell
i'm trying to help those who are tired, well i'm tired of trying to help
& it's ironic how "the truth will set you free" is a lie in itself

couldn't find much negative shit on this...

overall 9.9/10 worth a slot on the Legends for this month..

make sure you hit up the shit in my sig...its short but worth feeding back on.

let me start off by saying, Jesus............................................. ..............................................this was good.I liked everything about this piece.....I find nothing wrong wit it really except stop droppng shit like this you embarrass the noobies.............but n e wayz, good job man...9.9/10....I'm nominating it now....

If ya have time, I need feedback on my piece "Reflections"...thanx

Thiz waz a very good piece.. the flow was tremendous and the multis were in their 2 and were decent aswell.. I could see what you were trying to say I really liked it and I wanna see some more form you.. keep 'em comin' homie....

Nice drop that's some real shit keep doing what you doing

I don't know why, but this reminds me of some Aesop shit. but anyways, this was a very good piece. The rhyme scheme was top notch and there was some really good imagery here. The flow kinda ran a little long in the bars, but that was the sole issue with me. Other than that, I liked this one a lot.

thanks fellas. more feedback please. i don't drop an OM like this hardly ever, at all. some advice on this from established topical writers would be much appreciated. come on, this is probably my last time upping this.

upping... jesus, leave a link or something and i'll hit it back. shit's had over 250 views and like 12 replies. damn.

Damn This Piece Was Nice I Like How U Used Multiples Which Made It More Interesting And Better To Read

aside from the message, which I agree with, I liked the fact that your multi's were meaningful and not just filler to sound good. Some of it got a little too much for my taste (as far as the multis) but all in all excellent piece.

thanks dawg.