"Dancing With My Body of Tomorrow"

“Love once killed me.”By: dj...

My heart rips, shakes from pain, then shivers,
Blood drips like rain just to form a thin river.
Our bodies eclipse from the joy, I try to deliver,
Your beauty alone is enough to make me quiver.
Blood stream running low, with a stench of death,
Insides scream, though in red I’m drenched, & so I left…
“Theft, crime, prison, it’s all the same now that I’m alone
Miss being in your arms since as theirs no place like home”My heart takes a turn, crashed & is now left to sit & burn,
Body starts to ach - it’s trashed a pit of no more to return.
Now…
The remains of my soul lifts, a roaming spirit left to exists,
Stained as a myth, left to reminisce death, & give it a kiss.
Drowning in sorrow, & dancing with my body of tomorrow,
Frowning as my pride I swallow, looking for a body to borrow.

“The Remains of Me”

...I...
Stare at myself from a far, & do nothing, shake my head in disgrace,
Tear at my scare, left from screwing up & making so many mistakes.
It was love I looked for in every last heart, I was shaking from the start,
Never thought of my art, just trying to keep my self from falling apart.
Today I'm Just Asking...
Where was it that I made turns for the worst? Why do I possess a soul?
Dancing with my body of tomorrow, & now just going for a stroll

"…Of The Past"
The End.


.

I'm going through some thoughts and problems right now so I just felt like writing out how I kinda feel. I hope you enjoy. All links will be hit.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=322503
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...02#post5416202
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...38#post5416138

yellow text is prolly the worst color to pick.

i dont understand why u didnt use red, because ur talkin bout blood right from the start so red ink would make more of an impact that way. but yellow... like.. if you want the bar 2 hurt, then use yellow but if ur sayin somthing say it with ledgible text plar.


:P


the story is cool. i really like the title of your peice. that enticed me 2 read your work because i dont remember much of your work, but then again ive been away for a while. nevertheless, your story was interesting and kept me goin, but i really had to get over them nasty yellow bars.


like wtf. ugly ass yellow makes my eyes bleed!


stay up.

yea when i first read this the yellow did throw it off but i see that u mad it into read like sirus said...but as i said in the crew thread i liked the emotion that u used in this peice it was very creative. and u had good shit in the story line i like how u developed it. the structure was good also this was just a nice peice u could tell it came from the heart...good shit

Hmm...

Pretty good emotion...You could really tell that this is what you were feeling and it was your random thoughts...But sometimes it just seemed such as that...Random thoughts...You could've done so much more...You started to describe your pain but then just threw in other words that rhymes that didn't quite fit in some places...

Quote:

---

It was love I looked for in every last heart, I was shaking from the start,
Never thought of my art, just trying to keep my self from falling apart.

---

To me...It just didn't sound right...The end was full of wording like this...The first part of this...I relaly enjoyed...Great description and such but towrds the end it fell apart in my eyes...Try to keep what was goin' in the beginning through out...Can't really talk about content 'cause as you said it was just your feelings...

But look and read your beginning...That was good...But your scheme and wording in the end just faltered...Ending was blah...

Keep at it...

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=322451 < Battle

"The remains of my soul lifts, a roaming spirit left to exists,
Stained as a myth, left to reminisce death, & give it a kiss.
Drowning in sorrow, & dancing with my body of tomorrow,
Frowning as my pride I swallow, looking for a body to borrow."

^that was incredible...the emotion, imagery, rhyme scheme, everything...PERFECT

"It was love I looked for in every last heart, I was shaking from the start,
Never thought of my art, just trying to keep my self from falling apart."

^^Also amazing...

I enjoyed this alot...the vocab, flow, emotion, imagery, use of metaphors...its all great...captivating piece...

Overall - I'd give this piece a 9/10...maybe its because I can relate.

The Wordplay was alright. I liked the Emotion here. The Flow was decent man, could been way better. the Creatibty was nice. The Structre was bleh. The Imagenation was crazy which comeing from me is great. Keep trying man, your elevating.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=322600
RTF.

It was alright. Had some pretty good emotion and it's good to see someone writing about something that actually pertains to their life. Good for you. From a writing standpoint I'd say this is above average piece that would normally be seen by a writer trying to make the jump from good to excellent. The internals were present and the rhyme scheme was presented nicely. However, the piece lacked creativity and innovation... It's good to see people being able to vent through writing about their lives, but sometimes it doesn't make for the best available read.

yo
da scheme waz tight

like da way u used your wordz

this is a good piece, the emotion is deep. The imagery is also good, as is the flow and structure. The rhyming is good through-out this piece.
The remains of my soul lifts, a roaming spirit left to exists,
Stained as a myth, left to reminisce death, & give it a kiss.
Drowning in sorrow, & dancing with my body of tomorrow,
Frowning as my pride I swallow, looking for a body to borrow
..
It was love I looked for in every last heart, I was shaking from the start,
Never thought of my art, just trying to keep my self from falling apart
these 2 parts that iv quoted, i feel were the highlights of this piece
The topic you chose is one that many people can relate to, but not many can put into words

keep up^

Thanks alot.

upp. leave links.

ahhh that DJ and his creativeness

yeah pretty coo piece yo.
i liked a lot of the rhymes. i also liked the delivery and format..shit was mostly smooth...........some nice flows as well f'sho.......... poetic creativity was most evident in this piece......all in all was dope expressional pice. vey artistic


keep em poppin

1

thanks.