Wordplay Worries and Metaphorical Maladies

Wordplay Worries & Metaphorical Maladies


The duel of the cruel, bad and worse trading bombs
Amazed the dried pen can still write from wrong
Gone from good this barrage bruises the cold shoulder
Cuz this flurry from hell will make it freeze over
S’now way I can hide, my demons have arrived
Subtracting the lives that used to multiply and divide
My demise Capitalized, I’ve tried to make amends
Fuck being stabbed, I was nuked in the back by friends
It’s a fact I’m off track, train of thought derailed
Pointing up first, then to where Christ was nailed
Life showed me the ropes, fuckin noose and all
Knocked back for the count…..down til my fall
Ear pressed to the ground, listening for hints
For the time to draw the line, with a razor on my wrists
No need for this, shit I know heaven sent
This chip on my shoulder, cuz the axe missed my neck
A mission towards revision, keeping prophets guessing
Squinting and wishing, I wasn’t blindsided by vision
Problems are funneled, joy’s become unbundled
The light is blocked, by the collapse of the tunnel
Turn away God, asking forgiveness with slits
But now I’m free…….falling to the fiery pits
Hell’s fantasy tragically, has to be a tragedy
These are my wordplay worries, and metaphorical maladies

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=316032
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=316156

This was a great piece, but sadly nothing more... I felt that you lacked something in this piece, it felt a bit bland.

But when I look into greater detail, I see a brilliant flow, a well placed, and presented structure, some good vocabulary also, and above all, a great deal of imagery and emotion.

Congratulations :) This piece was a nice attempt at something brilliant, and hell, may very well be, but I just felt it lacked something.

But everyone has their own tastes :D Peace

RTF on "Through Whispering Words"

thanks

this was decent for what the title suggests you were trying
to acheive, though tbh i thought it could of been a bit
fresher, some seemed a lil predictable, while others were dope
the flow was strait, and well your vocab was ight, the imagery
was cool, while the message or story telling aspect i feel could
of been clearer, though i see a lot of cats using the whole
piece as a metaphor nowdays, im wondering if that is the case
in this srcipt, pretty strait piece, this was just good for me,
no doubt you got skill,

keep rippin those scripts...

if you got time here is a link to one of minez...peace

keep rippin those scripts...

if you got time here is a link to one of minez...peace

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=316236

srry edited the link

thanks, up

I was feeling this piece alot more towards the middle and end versus the beginning. You had good flow throughout the whole piece though and Vocab. was definetely on point. The internals and Meta's were good, lines that I was feeling a bit more than others are...

Quote:

---

Ear pressed to the ground, listening for hints
For the time to draw the line, with a razor on my wrists
No need for this, shit I know heaven sent
This chip on my shoulder, cuz the axe missed my neck

---

There's a couple of other lines that were pretty good also just I'm too lazy to quote.Lol.Imagery was pretty good and the only real problem that I saw was a few rhyme problems on a couple lines but that was hard to even catch between the good vocab and wordplay. Keep up and check out 'For Tomorrow's Honor' when you get a chance. I'm gettin' slept on.

This was a great piece as far as creativity goes...The meta's and wordplay were all this piece consisted of really nothing more as far as imagery...emotion....wording....etc..but it was a good read...nothing really special or nothing that stood out beside the meta's and the wordplay...good shit though on a creativity basis....RTF in SIG...plz...

Quote:

---

The duel of the cruel, bad and worse trading bombs
Amazed the dried pen can still write from wrong
Gone from good this barrage bruises the cold shoulder
Cuz this flurry from hell will make it freeze over
S’now way I can hide, my demons have arrived
Subtracting the lives that used to multiply and divide
My demise Capitalized, I’ve tried to make amends
Fuck being stabbed, I was nuked in the back by friends
It’s a fact I’m off track, train of thought derailed
Pointing up first, then to where Christ was nailed

---

Str8 dope, i was feeling all of that man. Another piece that wasnt rushed.
I'm loving the crazy wordpaly, like the first time i've seen it used on RB like that,
keep doin u fam.