.Undesirable.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=315956
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=316082


http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j1...dii/b0dy-1.jpg

desire crept underneath her dress, unimpressed by the outward thrust of perfection
afterwards, rejection by the seed of awkwardness sprouting several misconceptions
this woman's body seemed vague.... too broad, too soft, no shell guarded entrance
nor resemblence... only intrigued by the hand that ingraved this internal pregnance
every graceful movement enlightened her inner darkness, transferred God into she
who at first, was neglected, but later walked upon the sea as her legs departed free
from any thought of despair, fimiliarized hurt... abbreviated turns in pleasure reared
jus to end up sparking such forgivable interest... almost good enough to be shared
so this hand within her manuevered, at the same time, she counteracted with grunts
moans exploded from the voice, but the only tune she heard was felt by each touch
her body erupts, as if she died in the process, pleasure brought pain in disguise
she fights the pain, but to surprise, she vibed with the hurt..absorbed within cries
temptation, she tries to conquer the hand, but the hand refuses an external sight
it hated the world.. and hated her image, but loved the insides in which it gave life
grasped this force, which at first was enjoyable, but became excruciatingly intense
abhorring noise from beyond the depths of life, conceived her soul a newborn sex

...as the hand departs, the spur of life within this woman's body eroused
but she lie in destruction, blind to the creation her former lover endowed
proud mother? but how... her shattered existence led to heavenly clouds
naked abroad the earth, trampled with sexual motives
...to curse youth, with what she and Adam let out

...SIN

I don't like it, but cool attempt. See the storyline seemed to be very bland and not very thought out at all. I liked the owrding you chose, but I think some things needed to be DEEPER. I loved the fact that you started so strong and bold, but then it seemed to die off. Keep trying at topicals, you got the right sense, but you're not quite pulling it off yet...keep it up.

-Mariah

Hit up my piece Escaping Death

dam i feel you, this was full of twists and turns which i really dig
i thought your vocab was ill and for the size of the piece you
managed to explore a lot of scenarios which had me guessing
trying to contemplate and overall intrigued which is all good
wit me, i like the way the story was unpredictible which is
really something i like trying out now and again in my scripts
flow was a given,like i said vocab was str8, imagery was
confusing but overall a good read

keep rippin those scripts...

if you got time here is a link to one of minez...peace

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=316236

srry edited link

This was pretty damn good B. your grasp on the concept was nice....your wording was coo.. what I liked most were the multi's and the rhyme scheme..The structure was different and really grabbed my attention..The emotion was felt...overall I think you did a nice job at this...keep it ^ and RTF in sig plz...

hmm...Very creative...i havent seen something like this done in om yet, the picture was meh...wasnt needed and might get this closed....the way you strutred your verse's i didnt like...you should space them out if your gonna do it like that, but this had nice flow, a good sense of vocab, and some very nice lines but then some boring lines., nice way to come off with the topic and keep me intrested..good drop check my newest.

thanx uppin...give me more critique

Wow...this peice was full of things that to me made the picture come out readin what other said i think the picture fits it while and gives it that more creative feeling knowing no one has made anything like this into a OM witch this peice was good the flow was there from begining to the end i cant say i didnt like it cause this was a real good OM.....


topic was good to by the wh and fit the piece well


check out my open mic in the sig...... Real Friends vs Fake Friends