September Dreaming...

This bitter hatred, from what source does it come from?
Who do I run from? ILL fated from one's cum-
Some soon, Some now, From flow...-ery sigh..
No sin, the spy caught some gin for my
Repetition of lie-causin;

Frisk em and die, coughin'
Try loppin' off of the head of a cop who's dead
And now it's first degree-
The world hurts for free, it's geog-ra-phy-

I'm not worth the praise that is given for days-
And days, and stays with a reputation-
I'll let the hatin' continue, Into...
A new built plan for this true writ-ten venue...

Subliminal flin-floo-
Words that exist, beyond comprehension-
I'm tempted by those who by I am resented-
Invented the mind fuck-

Indented like a fishing line's snuck-
Into the gaping-
Open mouth, Vib-bra-ting, And jaws breaking
My laws taking over a dream-state... my mind's aching...

Is that chair there? ... How do you know?
Do you see it? Or do you believe it to be so?
Can you touch it? Feel it? Tell me it's wood.
You might be dreaming.... Wake up and be misunderstood.

No words for longing, my heart has no language...
It's spanglish, It's goo-goo-ga-ga ...ritty-ditty anguish...
Shitty famous people act like they made it...
Attract wife and take it, settle down and now they're elated...

Final verse... my mood's worse, I'm crazy
Whos' first to reimburse these lazy
Welfare bastards- the ones who COULD work
Fuck this, you can die first 'fore I pay taxes for you, Jerk
I'm not talkin' bout single moms and needy
I'm talkin about these trailer trash fucks drinkin natty and milwaukee's beastly-
On the porch....
Furniture set bought by you and I''s hard work...
"What you doin' tomorrow?" ... "Nothin'."
Fuck those faggots, let's use 'em at Thanksgivin' for stuffin'...



http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=309538
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=309234

hmm...another good drop from you...i`m starting to like your oms and read them more...your style is very good but u need to take out the -- out of your verse it doesnt look great we can see where it rhymes we can read...but jus like in most of your drops...flow was nice pretty impressive...multies were nice like usual...strutre was meh...i still think you need a style switch or atleast use a font..it will get the readers attetion more..i was feelin the topic...i dont feel that this is a real played topic..but nice drop overall...i feel your gettin slept on...you have potional listen to writers like bounce and brix and you`ll be makin hof in no time..keep up homie...

I agree with dj in some ways....splitting syllables in your OMs so you can directly point out the rhyme isnt necessary...95% of people will read and understand your rhymes either way...

BUT...you started off good...but then like...after your first paragraph you really just started scattering out...one minute on topic...the next drifting to something else...stick to your topic and make as much of it as possible....

Rating:
4.5/10

thanks for the feedback, it is appreciated. 'Tis why I write here. =D

Oh, a semi-arrogant note on my part. I made the HoF my first month here... albeit the Rookie HoF... yet I still remain proud of the simple honor. =D

And yea, I scattered out like a shotgun blast, that's my tendency when I'm drunk as hell. I should not have been drinking last night, it was a fucking school night and I overslept and missed two classes... a quiz in each... so don't be like me, I'm an idiot. Go to school. On time. Arg, I suck.

^uppin... but let's have fun it being such a good saturday of football.

My picks:
Tennessee 34, Florida 30 (the game I will be at)
Miami 17, Louisville 14
USC 30, Nebraska 17
Notre Dame 38, Michigan 24
LSU 20, Auburn 17
Oklahoma 24, Oregon 10
FSU 21, Clemson 20
TCU 31, Texas Tech 17

Feel free to leave some picks with feedback if you get in b4 the games start.

...

i was VERY WRONG.