One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest...( Fucking Hell!

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Subliminal sounds sweetly seduce his astuteness…
On critical ground he flees confused, throws a few fits,
Fixated in shit when nurses have him medicated
Hatred cooks like broth, his affection amputated…
Sedated cells deflated… intestines inflated
As jolly juice fattens him, he lies on the floor naked…
Forsaken by fortune, a tuneless tulip slips doomed,
Mushroomed eyeballs spy twisted images as they zoom
Haphazardly hunting dreams as green moonbeams loom…
Shining thru the tiny window of this padded room,
His brain is a lost orphan; soulless he remains stagnant…
Drenched in a stench of last weeks piss-stained patient,
Blood in his veins raging as aliens invade the dusk,
Sprites & such ghostly sights others are afraid to touch,
His appetite so light, since they always stayed for lunch…
Plus, it’s damn tiring fighting poltergeists by the bunch.

Cold grey walls breed creatures that creep over wispy flesh…
Hungry for Hell, they focus to feed thru holes in his neck,
His lips beg as Goliath insects gnaw bones & sip dregs
Taxing his common sense - now rare as Golden fish eggs
Distressed on this pissed bed, he reflects in his head…
Sees a man misled, mistrust pushes his reflex to its edge,
Shrinks study the thinking, supplying pills for each lesson,
Mad mockers laugh loudly, & act proudly in his presence,
Gloom beckons; he’ll soon start-rolling rowdy w/ weapons,
He wants out of this room, & assumes to switch sections…
Transport further north, away from whispers that talk,
Rocking back-and-forth, he stabs at his wrist w/ a fork
Since even cork in his ears doesn’t mute fears that stalk…
So starkly in this darkly pit located near his thoughts,
Now he eats a main course of hatred served w/ sauce,
His nerves are frostbitten; mind rootless, a lost kitten…
Shitting on the floor… his jaw jerks cursing & spitting.
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1- http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=306793
2- http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=307570


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Nice flow wit it, vocab was cool also, overall tho it lacked any sort of direction, but I enjoyed reading this more than most open mics Ive read on this board, good job homie keep it up

This was a good lil read here na mean, flow was on point and made it easier to read through and so was the vocab. The alliterations also added to your flow but parts of thi weren't as interesting as other parts. I reckon you carried this on for too long and lost the main plot in the 2nd verse. Though your description was very good and created a good atmosphere. Lastly, have you seen the movie, one flew over a cukoos nest...if not do see it as it's an interesting psychological production. Lastly, stay up and keep it flowing.

I guess its hard to realte to it if you dont know the reality of it. tis true story underneath, of some hospitalized people i've known and still knows. so Pak i blatantly disageree w/ u saying its too long. coz in reality . this story goes on. there will be a sequel soon. this joint is only 16 bars in total. give say an extra line which only adds to a 3 line bar. so ITS a whole song in the audio semse. so again i say. you saying its too long. is a strange thing to say. since the next on won't porbaly be in the same form and might go on for whatever amount of lines.


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peace to the sic ones

and yeah i seen the movie like crazy years ago. but it wasnt the inspiration behind this. i called it that after writing it. i usualy dont write to a title

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ...Carmelo...

Nice flow wit it, vocab was cool also, overall tho it lacked any sort of direction, but I enjoyed reading this more than most open mics Ive read on this board, good job homie keep it up

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:angelsmil

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Vortex

I guess its hard to realte to it if you dont know the reality of it. tis true story underneath, of some hospitalized people i've known and still knows. so Pak i blatantly disageree w/ u saying its too long. coz in reality . this story goes on. there will be a sequel soon. this joint is only 16 bars in total. give say an extra line which only adds to a 3 line bar. so ITS a whole song in the audio semse. so again i say. you saying its too long. is a strange thing to say. since the next on won't porbaly be in the same form and might go on for whatever amount of lines.


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peace to the sic ones

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DOn't get me wrnog when i say long i mean that the story got lost......you went into description but i couldn't hold on to the story. Anyway though, when you releasing part 2....try and get it done before the 6th so i can read it na mean. Stay up^

yeah its lost coz sons is lost.

ha

the story continues.

my main effort in this joint was in visual descriptions. sights. sounds smells.. shit i seen or heard of. or simply imagined in dreamland. i guess people cant always see thru my eyes

nice piece tex, i liked who you opened it with alliteration, the word usage reallly brought out some nice description in the piece, with some pretty tight metaphors as well... some pretty well put out inners as well, i think flowing and word usage are your strong points, and you have an excellent writers voice and grasp on vocabulary... stay up

yeah^

up