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Unfair Death
October 16th, 1964
"This has to be done, Christopher...it's for your own good. It will hurt, but it will only take a minute"
"Nurse Taylor? I really don't think this should be followed through upon"
"It's an order...I have to."
Throughout life, it seems that I've been labeled and scorned
When my parents perished in a car wreck, I was the only one that mourned
Orphanage became my domain, at the tender age of eight
Trouble with authority, foster parents and the state
School never appealed, just seemed a long drag
Being myself and insulting people were the only thing I had
People around me didn't understand, thought I was mental
Foster parents wouldn't support me, so then I began to swindle
Old ladies and younger boys, yes, i chose them as my prey
It worked out nicely, i averaged 70 dollars a day
But then one hazy afternoon I was caught
So a punishment for my horrible crimes was sought
The judge didn't understand, his life was pircture perfect
On the other hand, I didn't have love, money, or respect...I had to earn it
But to earn something, I had to work, but I was still a minor
But I thought I would get away easy ; I was a first- timer
But the judge was harsh and malicious, sentenced me to something terrible
Because to people who knew of it, Electro Shock Therapy was unbearable
But I now find my self on this cold metal table
Being prodded around like a prize horse in his stable
I begin to perspire on my white hospital gown
Then feel my hands, to the table they're tied down
I now feel something on my head, and begin to sadly cry
Begging the lord for forgiveness, for i am sure I will die
March 11th, 1965
"Judge Greenfield. What do you have to say for yourself?
"Sir, he was a problem child. He deserved to have this treatment performed on him...THIS KID DESERVED WHAT HE GOT...HE DESERVED IT"
* CROWD ERRUPTS IN A SHOCKED CHATTER"
" ORDER IN THE COURT, ORDER IN THE COURT..."
March 13th, 1965
" We sir, find the defendant guilty on the charge of 1st degree murder. He will be sentenced to life without parole."
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NO FEED? Damn this was a nice drop, I mean flow wasnt really there much but
I found your vocab and wording was excilent.. you had some good wordplay an
you followed topic really well props man keep it happerning
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agreed. omg.
such good transitions...one syllables made me say ughh on the rhyme scheme, but still.
the combination of text and rhyme was genius...i never seen somethin so fluid here.
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Wireless this was a pretty good drop, i liked your vocab, it was good for your age, there could have been alot of wordplay added into this piece and it would have sounded/read alot better, but other than that the imagery was nice and creative, i could see wat was goin on and how his life was as a foster child tryin to fend for himself, the storyline was nice also the way you went about it how he first started and how he ended up. the thing that made me mad wasnt how u wrote it but it was what the kid had to go thru after wat the judge found out, electric chair, kinda harsh, but yo this was overall good, and your doin alot better, keep it up.
Plz leave feed on OM called "Love..Or Is It Just Me" in my sig
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I will...^
Yeah, elctro shock therapy was a method used in the 50s and 60s...people thought they could cure a troubled or a kid with bad behavior by doing something reffered to ass "Electro Shock Therapy"..similar to the electric chair..
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I felt I liked how easily the story was told, but it was rushed...you could've used more lines to make it more clear, and you could've used alot more on imagery.
But vocab was good, and flow needs work.
Overall 5/10.
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Nice OM. The imagery was pretty good. I like how you dated it. It shows good creativity on a good story. The emotion was very good. I thought you could've made the title more creative but that's just meh. So the vocab was iight. But it still caught some attention in my eyes.
So overall great peice. 7.6/10
Please feedback on my OM
The Conscience Struggle
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fairly decent. again, not the best but good. it had a real odd subject to trail upon, you deffinatly wrote to it well though. i liked the whole hospital theme and stuff. i'm not a big fan of the before and after captions but they helped out a little. some of your stuff seemed like filler, like you didn't know what to write but overall it seems really well written. could've gone better with your internals and ish, but you sketched out the scenary pretty well. not a perfect piece but good.
!Nash
Hit my "Medicated Corpses" ..
