Why Romance Doesn't Work For Me

[CENTER]Unfold pants and iron gettin ready for the night
the steam rises from my jeans breathin heavy from the site
of this amazing luptious beauty with brownish-red hair
even downers couldn't drown her, body stream line so rare
in the mean time brush my hair, cover the frame with Girbaud
throw the ice around my neck and it's heavy as cannon balls
slip my feet into the Dookies look at the New-B's and ponder
the cell rings I flip it open and my heart pounds like thunder
see her name hit talk her voice sang into my brain
stimulated my emotions, manipulated all my notions
she said she need 10 more minutes this depression hit hard
cause thats 10 more minutes to wait till resurection of heart
my affections is smart, see the complection from start
walked over to the dresser and tore two rubbers apart
gripped the keys, walked downstairs hopped in the whip with ease
no frontin: drove the beat up Old's out as the brakes screecthed
ready to close the deal, hit her block and turned the wheel
threw out that burnin real that had been earnin meals
approach the door ring the bell, hear somebody singin Kells
*Singing* "I am a mountain", the shits too deep and sounds like hell
the singin stops her pops answers the door and looks at me funny
the pressures on I shake his hand and he calls out "Honey!"
here she comes down the stairs her steps control my hearts rhythm
if she stops I swear I'll die come patrol this art with em
thighs is thick like a novel, perfect stomach like a model
ass is sweet and round like pie my eyes glassy like bottles
we walkin out I'm like finally, look over and she eyein me
she asks "where's the suit?".......and I left the bitch behind me!


Not that great just somethin I felt like writin'...



http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=237663


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=241510

uppin for feedback ya'll...........................

yes this is pretty nice...full of poetry and cool rhymes... nice imagery and word usage..
sum cool multies and internal rhyming...
last two lines could of been rhymed better i'd say stead of rhyming me with me
yeah am most def feeling this joint right here its got much dopeness fosho

we gotta do a collab real soon

stay up


pz

yo playboi we should do an OM 2gether...........anyway i liked tha piece. kinda lost me @ tha end wen u left tha gurl kuz she asked where ur suit waz (????) but all in all piece waz good.....tell me watchu think bout doin an OM wit me

Strange topic for an Om but it has its moments.
I thought your flow was the strongest part of the piece you had conistent multies throughout your verse so that added complexity to the verse.
Your vocab went well with the concept you didnt overuse it and you really didnt need to as the concept wasnt great. Your story telling was done well your imagery was descriptive and there was emotion in the piece but i think the concept just let you down. I think youd be good at a topical piece something deep i think your imagey and flow are nice so put them to good use and think of a better concept to write about.

Return the feed on my new om:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=243081

it was a nice thread, i understood where you were coming from with this OM, make another part to it i would want to see how it goes