Aint no drug got a hold of me (keystye)(plz critique)

[Lulong]

HOOK:
Aint no drug got a hold of me
Got a hold of it, so now I move it to the streets
My feet got fast, so I push plenty of it to make my cash
Stay up late, homie you can crash
Just be sure to be out before I dip my stash

Gimme Aborts and some ola to Snort
Usually end up fallin floor to floor
Every time I sell balls and bags door to door
I aint a beat artist like my nigga travis
I hook it up fat so they keep comin back
Flatten a track and blaze up a fat b-40 blunt
empty out my pockets and aford a whore
She get chickenhead wit it, but in the middle of it I start trippin
and now I think im being bitten
So I start to cuttin this bitch up wit my razor
Stash her wit the other bitchs I keep in my freezer
Get in my ride and floor it to the spot
Find out from a dirty cop that they gonna raid it
So I hop out like roger rabbit
And get so jumpy you would think im an addict
Fact is Im doing a foiler while Im flowin
And sippin on a G spot tornado before im blowin, out the smoke
Toke toke thats what my teacher taught me
Thank god they havent caught me
else my life would be ended harshly
With my current score 200 or more points for me and 1 for the cops
but that shit is still being worked out, and my lawyer says that he can get me off
hope so I spent my months profits on his ass so he best be better than the rest 10 grand aint cheap
neither is good tweak so hopefully that means hes worth the price
like my shit its pure as can be not dirty like most tweak in these streets
shit one of my homeboys who has chlamydia and lice slangs the dirtiest dark yellow compared to my beautiful white
and shit kid my weed sells way more than tweeds cause its bright green, even my shwag
shit, everywhere I go people want a bag
nowonder that they call me willey420
Shit gets real funny when people start owin me money
But frontin needs to be done, sometimes they just need it
and you know they will pay ya back and soon you will be stuntin
now Ill letcha in on somethin
Numba 3 Numba 4 or Numba 9
Homie tell me whacha want, I'll even letcha sample a line
And if you cant hang, then fine

HOOK:
Aint no drug got a hold of me
Got a hold of it, so now I move it to the streets
My feet got fast, so I push plenty of it to make my cash
Stay up late, homie you can crash
Just be sure to be out before I dip my stash

met a guy and got all amphed out and drank some Angie
Then she told me to try to make it to heaven
so im stuck at the 7-11 waitin for church to open
Till then ima chokin
Stuntin like 50 in 101
but now im done so I give myself an air blast, now im ready to go
Talk to the priest like, "yo"
He looks at me, frowns and replies, "Are you alright, Your pupils are the size of a penny and ya eyes are as red as carrot top"
Thats when the last row turned back and stared
My eyes flared thats when I saw that this place got no cameras so I smiled and shut the doors
Fifty people lookin at me funny like, "Is he for real?"
Now that the steel doors were shut nobody could escape
And with no tape I could murder em all and rape a selected few, this church aint safe!
Faith in no faith will take over and reign supreme
I take out my mac and stack bodies of people fleein
see another kid smiling while flyin up right beside me
Took a look at him and he was as lit up as I was
So i tossed him a gun and told him to aim for any bitch just because
He cocked back and laughed then stacked four rows ontop of four hoes
and with the door closed he could stack four more without anyone approachin him as a foe
Floor was filled with 50 or more peeps who got caught in the heat
Seats were empty and all that was left was the priest
Who yelled, "Are you crazy? Your never gonna get away with what you have done"
Stepped toe to toe wit him and yelled back, "Les you packin a gat u best to get the fuck down son"
He hit the ground and I heard a sound of sirens approachin
Thats when I noticed one of the windows was open
Popped the priest in the head with my lead
Ran to the window and shot the other kid dead
Fled the scene to sceme on another way to make a dollar
And told Angie I would call her tommorow

HOOK:
Aint no drug got a hold of me
Got a hold of it, so now I move it to the streets
My feet got fast, so I push plenty of it to make my cash
Stay up late, homie you can crash
Just be sure to be out before I dip my stash

[Rob D]

ok piece, flow and structure need a little work on, and you could do with upping your vocab, but other than that it was aight, espcially since it was a keystyle, anyway keep droppin and u will get better, u wanna hook up on a collab sometime pm me wit a topic,

peace

[gotaloveforrap]

no way was that a keystyle, but anywho, ur structure was a little weak, try and include so more multis next time, ur flow seemed to fall off a little throughout the peice, so to help wit that, try and make all ur lines about the same length......u gotta elevate on ur vocab and wordplay, but u got ability, so keep postin.....

peace......

[Lulong]

Your right this started off as a keystyle but I stopped and then resumed where I left off the next day then I looked it over and added a hook so I guess its a song now
ANyways thx for feedback (seriously I really appreciate it) still uppin for more plz dont sleep peeps

[flizip]

it was an aiight drop, nice wordplay, if you didnt giv ya last post i wouldnt of believed it was a keystyle.


only thing wrong with it was the structure, try an balance otut e number of words on each line

aiight peace

[Begin]

yo man....i give better feed on more a verse, but from what i could see i would say you need to learn how to tighten your structure, so it flows better,

if you were to rhyme that in vocal, the flow would be bad, cos of the choppin of length of lines, other then that, the story telling was there, on topic most places, the vocab and wordplay was nice enough, just keep droppin and it will gradually elevate on its own