let me no what ya think.............

Fatal D · September 23rd, 2003, 07:22 PM

yo, shes hididng somin deep down and i dont no what/
she be acting like shes aiight,all lies, see i can feel it in my gut/
yo no its funny i thought shes was the one,you know the one that id marry/
but all these deceptions and lies is too big a weight for any man to carry/
ive had enough now, im about to break,
ive suck wid you all the way bitch, but what does it take/
forget it ill get over you/
well for a while i might be down thats true/
but it will pass along with our relation ship/
you make me so paranoid, i wanna jus unload this clip/
into which ever mother fucker that you bin riding dick/
you know what they call you, a HO, GODDAMN, you make me sick/
o well fuck it, i bet i didnt even mean shit to you/
just another step up in the ladder, a door way to pass through/
well im a tell you this now, i changed the lock/
i now what you want bitch, you aint ever again gonna get this cock/
it over, finished, you better bet we through/
although i can still feel my heartbeatin for you/
this boys love is no longer for you/
so go on slag me off and spread that shit/
cus at the end of the day you aint nutin but a bitch/
i no know you will probably be getting your bois to hate on me/
let em pick a fight, bitch try it, dont tempt me/
but no matter how hard i beat em
................................ i still feel empty/

......I loved you, but i guess you never loved me.................../
all my emotions were bottled up, i wrote this rhyme to set them free/

let me no what you think....... thnx
..........D

Fatal D · September 23rd, 2003, 07:58 PM

yo can i get some feed back on this...................
thnx
....................D

**Mistral** · September 23rd, 2003, 08:34 PM

It was a pretty good peice, but try to even out your lines so it flows better, try using some more multies to support the flow, your wordplay was ok, overall it was a pretty good peice, and if you get the chance can you drop some feedback on Me and Gene Pools peice called "Nice Guys Finish Last" Thanks.

Fatal D · September 23rd, 2003, 08:36 PM

yo thanks for that feed back
i appreciate it
no really rites any feed back any more
thnx
...........D

gotaloveforrap · September 23rd, 2003, 10:24 PM

yo i thought it was pretty good, the flow could probably be elevated a little more, but it was ok. the vocab was aight, and the wordplay was good. keep postin and elevatin man, i enjoyed readin that.

yo if u have the time can u check out my post?
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...threadid=81167
thanx

Fatal D · September 24th, 2003, 05:36 PM

yo i no you offline but thnx for the coment
you postr wasnt to bad either
keep it up
.............D

Fatal D · September 24th, 2003, 05:38 PM

yo uppin fo input
much appreciated
...........................D

**A.T.** · September 24th, 2003, 05:44 PM

aight... the subject was deep, and I liked it...
but your stucture was throwed and your flow was off an on at times.... your wordplay was ok, and your vocab was good...
overall it was a good peice, just keep on posting and try to even your bars dawg...
A.T.

can you hit up my post... heres the link:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...threadid=81294