Collapsed Foundations

[Funda-mentalz]

My foundations have collapsed, everything I once loved is now gone
Left torn between the girl I love and my dieing mom
Twisted emotions of love and hate, fear and braveness for what I must do next
Stand beside my mothers deathbed, and talk to her as she watches me through her mangled specks
One last kiss and her life is gone, I barely got to say goodbye
Tears of death run down my face, but still my mouth is dry

My foundations have collapsed, the one who brought me into this world
Put me through a world of hurt as my story will unfurl...

I lay awake in bed, thinking of the times we had together
It didn't seem to bother my hateful father
So why did it bother me so badly
I reached out for help, and called the girl I love her name was; Randi
Randi was a caring girl, maybe she would understand
Randi was murdered later that night, by her own hateful dad

My foundations have collapsed, the one girl I ever felt in touch with
Murdered with an axe, for which her father kissed her severed head...

I came home late that night, my father drunk as always
Grabbed my by my neck and slapped my sideways
'Where the fuck were you?' he asked with a grin
Pulled out a knife, where I saw my reflection
'Why are you doing this?' I asked with disguist
He said 'You killed your mother, and revenge is a must."

My foundations have collapsed, the last one I could turn to turned his back on his own son
Left wounded on the ground bleeding, but he didn't get the job done

I got up and I ran, ran for hours it seemed
Woke up in the morning, had it all been a dream?
No. I was awake in the hospital, with my ribs bandaged up
Collapsed foundations, have left my life fucked up

*My father was arrested, and sentanced to life in prison, I now live with my godfather, in hopes of starting a new life.*

[J.Dubya]

Wow dogg, that has a lot of emotion in it. You had me from start to finish. Keep it man!

Return the favor:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...threadid=79214

[Begin]

aight, again, i think more a topical and emotional spit was the intention, i mean i don't know if this is all whats goin on, but you sheddin emotion in to it,

i mean, ability in content, and the wordplay to stay on topic is fine, but i think the structure needs to be tightened up, for it to allow it to flow:

My foundations have collapsed, everything I once loved is now gone
Left torn between the girl I love and my dieing mom
Twisted emotions of love and hate, fear and braveness for what I must do next
Stand beside my mothers deathbed, and talk to her as she watches me through her mangled specks

this does not flow well, as the lines are very different in syallable count and word amount, this is prob what you need to work on,

the best section of the whole spit for me was:

I came home late that night, my father drunk as always
Grabbed my by my neck and slapped my sideways
'Where the fuck were you?' he asked with a grin
Pulled out a knife, where I saw my reflection
'Why are you doing this?' I asked with disguist
He said 'You killed your mother, and revenge is a must."

as it had the best structure and flow for me,

i actually really liked how you tried to tell a story, as storytelling and topical description is what i like best, its what i like to do, so i can appreciate it more,

you like told parts of the story and then an overview:

My foundations have collapsed, the one girl I ever felt in touch with
Murdered with an axe, for which her father kissed her severed head...

I came home late that night, my father drunk as always
Grabbed my by my neck and slapped my sideways....

that shows you got creativity,

i think you could have used more rhyming words, like included more multis, which should help it flow, but other then that it did what intended to do,

GOOD SPITTIN, KEEP DROPPIN,

thanks for the feed aswell....

PEACE

[Funda-mentalz]

thx^^ uppin for some more feedback...

[sILLable]

damn god,this shit was mad emotion felt,ive lost a girlfriend before she wasnt murdered she died in a car wreck but i havent lost my moms,i couldnt iagine tha pain,over all good drop,emotion felt,good word play,very vivid imagery,could rhymed alil better but other than that ill.keep ya head up.~1~

[Funda-mentalz]

ya man its tough..i dont talk bout it much but its better when i do...anymore advice or comments thx...

[Funda-mentalz]

no more advice or feedback?.....................

[rule]

that was a great drop homie...mad emotionl...good wordplay an chorus..flow was good wud'a liked to of seen some multies wud have critiqued it, but all in all very well done...8/10 man...an take it easy...yo peep my drop..."different teritorial flow" peace

[aintgonnastop]

i was really feelin that. i can tell u put alot of thought and emotion into it. the vocab was good, the content was superb, and i was definetly feelin the topic. great post, and cant wait to read another one of your posts so keep postin.

[Funda-mentalz]

thx....one last uppin for more feedback.......

[Sir Skiddz SoPhrenic]

The only truth spoken in most of the posts before was that you put alot of emotion in it.

The first stanza had no flow whatsoever. Flow is something that if you are making a song, has to be consistent trhoughout. Alot of times it felt choppy.

The story could've been better, you had some nice vocabulary here and there, but nothing too outstanding. It wasn't that great in my opinion, but it wasn't bad. You have to work on more basic things and try to Perfect those. To me, the story didn't have as much imagery as what others said. Work on ya shit. stay up.