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Thread: The Man Who Wasnt There

  1. #1
    Back By Popular Demand... ELEETE's Avatar
    Join Date
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    Battle Record
    1-0

    The Man Who Wasnt There

    "The Man Who Wasn't There"
    Written By: Luis "ELEETE" Castillo / SoL
    Chorus taken from "The Psychoed" by Hughes Mearns

    As I was going up the stairs
    I met a man who wasnt there
    He wasnt there again today
    I wish, I wish he'd go away

    Painful thoughts
    Ripple through my head
    Dead, I'd rather be instead
    It doesnt have to be this way
    I wish, I wish he'd go away

    Darkness falls
    Like curtains before my eyes
    But I can see through his disguise
    He wasnt there again today
    I wish, I wish he'd go away

    Im lost
    I dont know where I am
    I cant think straight
    I wish I knew who was this man

    As I was going up the stairs
    I met a man who wasnt there
    He wasnt there again today
    I wish, I wish he'd go away

    As I was going up the stairs
    I met a man who wasnt there
    He wasnt there again today
    I wish, I wish he'd go away

    I'm Psychoed
    I dont know my true identity
    This isnt how it was meant to be
    I swear it on this very day
    Ill make him, make him go away

    Into the light
    And out this hell
    Im searching, searching for myself
    To find that man and where he lay
    So that I will make him go away

    Ill do it
    Ill do it if I can
    I wont stop searching
    Until I find this man

    As I was going up the stairs
    I met a man who wasnt there
    He wasnt there again today
    I wish, I wish he'd go away

    As I was going up the stairs
    I met a man who wasnt there
    He wasnt there again today
    I wish, I wish he'd go away

    I'm frightened
    By this haunting terror
    searching for a man who isnt there
    He wasnt there again today
    I wish, I wish he' go away

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  2. #2
    Dead and Famous
    Guest
    I love the original peice by Hughes Mearns
    it always puts chills down my spine
    when it is recited in the right voice
    this peice did the same as you crafted it into your own
    i applaude your work of doing this without
    ruining the original peice itself

    ~~elev~~
    pz DF

  3. #3
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Split-eyez's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Age
    43
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    Battle Record
    2-15
    I wasn't really feelin this at times, but then again you kept my interest. I fell like sometimes it kinda fell apart though, with the simple scheme and rhyming... no hate intended.
    Maybe you can rewrite it and just try to throw some more vocab in? No offense though.
    I'd give the piece a 6/10... just keep elevating.
    Ya got the touch but ya just need the finishing.

    1 Luv
    Much too dangerous
    Meet the perfect stranger
    I'm the extreme case of fire and anger
    The misguided angel with deep routed fears
    My face shows the years of blood sweating tears
    Pay attention, this gypsy that deeply senses
    Evil spirits lurking behind picket fences
    Embarking darker images and skeletal remains
    Cold hearted soldier with ice in his veins

  4. #4
    XEastSide_QueenX
    Guest
    yah I agree, I wasn't drawn into this poem throughout the entire thing, but you did keep my interest. The repeating "I wish, I wish he'd go away" worked out nicely. At first, I didn't think it would fit the structure of the poem, but it worked perfectly.

  5. #5
    TreaZoN sILLable's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Houston, Texas
    Age
    39
    Posts
    5,316
    Battle Record
    15-10
    nice piece,it had good structure,nice vocab,all in all tight piece,keep drop.~1~


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  6. #6
    Newbie
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Bedford, Pennsylvania
    Age
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    Posts
    24
    i liked this piece it has good flow and imagery

  7. #7
    Fear Before The March Foreshadow's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Portland, Oregon
    Posts
    3,107
    Battle Record
    8-8
    Very original I like the suspense you added to your emotion. The imaginary was nice but your details lacked a bit. Even though it was a nice drop.

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