Toilet Paper...[Keystyle]

[UPS]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...hreadid=101970
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...hreadid=101032
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...hreadid=102205

LoL, ya noe PaYce had to return to open mic wit sum funny shit to make up for his attempt at emotional rap. LOL, i call dis one...toilet paper!


[Guys]
Toilet paper!?!?!? PaYce Nigga...ur whack...wat u talkin bout toilet paper...I shouldn't even listen 2 dis shit!! haha...toilet paper!!!
[Mr. T]
I pity the fool who talks about Toilet paper!!!
[PaYce]
U guys gots it all wrong...Dis ain't only toilet paper...Remember that G from McDonalds the other day...dis is about her n paper...(Gives slick smile)
[Guys]
Whoa!! yo PaYce dawg...tell us dis story....wat happened dawg!!! I wanna noe!!!


[PaYce]
haha, alrite yo check out dis story alright...


Dayum was I excited...I had a gurl over for dinner
All dem candles lighted...U kno sex is the finisher!
So were talkin at the table...Just enjoyin the meal
when the urge for the toilet...Is what I start to feel!
I went "baby, just wait...I'll be bak in one second"
Then i'd come bak...and enter...sexual heaven!
Sat down on the bowl...n startin releasin dem drops
Felt perfect...was like light was shinin on me...
wit a choir singin....Allelujah!
Finally I was done...Now tyme to taste her flavour!
one problem...had to wipe my ass...
and der was no toilet paper!
Dis was not very good...needed sumthin real quick!
Or once again I'd lose...On sum pleasure for my dick!
Scrummaged through the cabinets..."NO GOD NO!"
this couldn't be happenin...I WANT A FUKKIN BLOW!
I cried "why this night"...it was the best...like it was gold
Then sumthin caught my sight...Empty toilet paper roll!
I ripped it down the centre...and started wippin my bum
I thought "Im so dam clever"...then came the paper cut!
cried and moaned, was jumpin around...then I screamed!
like them ppl on Elm ...when Freddy entered der dreams!
The gurl was standin right der...lookin highly confused
went "eww!!! Payce ur a freak...was a mistake datin u!"
Put on her coat n shoes...n then she walked out the door
felt depressed...till she tripped and fell down on the floor!
was gonna burst into laughter...but thought..."heres my chance"
"Help a slut when shes in down...and u always get ass!"
Picked her up n her purse and went..."Are you ok miss?"
Then she was like...ya'll pay sum close attention to this!!!
she goes "how can I repay you...maybe suckin ur pole?"
I went "sorry gurl...see my wife...shes on her way home!

[Guys]
Haha, you fukked up!!! Dat shit was crazy dawg...hahahahah!

[Richard Parker]

that was some dope shit.
why no replies? no idea,
great story, but what lacked?
the rhyming was alright, but. .
rhyming isnt all that matters.
your vocab was average.
myself, i dont like average vocab
i like good strong to back up a point.
but thats alright. what was good ?
the stroy flowed well, was very funny. .
nice ending, lots of surprise twists.
this was one of the most creative pieces ive seen in awhile
nice work, if it was even yours. -feeble.

[UPS]

Thx for the feedback Feebs...except for this comment lol.

Originally posted by Feeble Minded
nice work, if it was even yours. -feeble.

grrrr, lol. Don't believe it's mine...check out my story "A Day at Mcdonalds...". LOL. Thx for feedback anyways tho.
Remember...just cuz somebodys account is new...doesn't mean they are new to the site

[Endeva.]

thought this was quite good...not really keen on that format though..story telling...dont flow well, the way you executed it...but it kept me interested...quite funny in places.....so yeah not bad...pZ

[Krytikal]

THat was nice man, I didn't think it would be good judging by the name lol, but it was good man.

[BigCheze504]

you did that, kept my attention just to see how it ended. Tha flow lost me in places but its al good. 7/10

[UPS]

thx for the feedback. Yea...i do that a lot with my rap, I always tend to go off beat for a bit to really stress a certain line like the "allelujah" one. Keep the feedback comin.

[Penskills]

..I personally like the story telling format..a day at Mc'ds..LOL!...your vocab was average..your flow was alright..
not bad overall..

[UPS]

uppin dis shit. Thanks for feedback people. Personally...I think of story of this kind shouldn't have great vocabulary. U kno...who wants to hear a story about sex with sum big words...I think it just ruins the story.

[s.R.]

looking at the title i thought it woulda been complete garbage....but it was actuall not half bad... i enjoyed this... good flow, nice piece

RETURN THE FAVOR PLEASE!- (Life Style)

[Steven William]

this is also some funny shit man your style is just funny your topics is funny too i saw the titles of this n a day at McD's n i wus like funny shit lol nice work .... Again....
Peac3_____________-------------------____________...................

[SimonSays]

Haha Funny stuff. I didn't mind it at all. Like feeble said I like strong vocab but this was meant to be enjoyed so I though that shit out. (get it shit) haha nm. . . . nice job though bro.

Peace

[Tha Shadow]

Very funny, I liked it, the story telling wasn't too bacd either, keep it up

[Katz.Frost]

Yo thought this was dope. funny as hell and youre rhymes were good...if mabye a little simple. structure and flow were spot on. good shit

[Echo]

that was great stuff. it had some pretty short lines, but it's iight. you redeamed yourself wiht your wordplay. keep up.