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Thread: The Orchid With The Pistol

  1. #1
    catholic schoolgirls rule Sand's Avatar
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    The Orchid With The Pistol

    The Orchid With The Pistol ..



    there was a nude woman asleep in the flowers
    her image set the tone that got increasingly louder
    she would breath with the power of knowledge
    enough to teach the bricks the meaning to softness
    she could only speak to the falseness of brain ..
    because she was the eternal dream of going insane

    this lady was 40 years old, lost in adolesence
    she held a childs innocence in her palm with incentive
    her thoughts were collected inside one question
    ..how come the not so honorable always get mentioned ?
    this drove her to the place beyond the highway
    where madness doesn't constitute anger, or a life stage
    life's stage for her was her dresser and mirror
    broken with cracks and engraved "ugly won't be seen here"
    she'd stare at it daily, sometimes throwing awful fits
    she'd had it all, plastic surgery, makeup, even electrolysis
    n' that's not even all of it .. the orchid with the pistil
    shot her nerves enough to make her cries a nightly ritual
    but tonight, she's in the fields with more orchids
    flying through her dreams with only silicon to soar with
    everyone looked at her, .. and knew she was fake
    although, this artificial girl had a heart with a real face
    inside she was just a child, with ludicrous thoughts
    but her incentive forced her to act, ludicrous or not

    so we're back to the field setting and she's asleep again
    our subject somehow added an s by neglecting a piece of him
    the flowers are now wilted .. and blood covers the ground
    nothing utters a sound it's only death that makes this image loud
    a smile covers her face .. maybe death is peacefully scenic
    lol no more beating around the bush, .. this heshe just cut off his penis


    happiness at last ..
    follow me on Instagram @updowndaps

  2. #2
    this buds for you Thrust's Avatar
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    LMAO! hahaha

    actually... this sounded real deep in shit.. like all emotional...
    deep in thought... it was good really... and that twist there...
    wow... i love shit like that...people being unpredictable...
    i loved it... it was a solid piece at 1st... and the ending...
    was like the cherry on top... very nice

  3. #3
    Hmm, ok, it's great to be really indirect with a piece, it gives it good meaning, it's also great to have a good twist at the end. But if it's indirect, people rarely get the twist, and it just comes off as random. I feel that's what happened here. Good imagery and stuff, but I couldn't follow.
    <center>Remember Me?

  4. #4
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    man your can fucking rhyme, i thought i seen the best until i read what you wrote, damn man, thats some deep ill shit, and i have to say....... no doubt

  5. #5
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    You need to leave 3 links or 3 names of people you left feedback to or this will get closed, Thanks.

  6. #6
    Lewd
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    i thought it was great i loved the whole think.great flow and vocab,i loved reading the thing the whole way through good job

  7. #7
    catholic schoolgirls rule Sand's Avatar
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    female plants don't have pistils isqael ..
    that's the meaning behind the peice ..
    it's about a man who wants to be a woman ..
    and finally just snaps .. holla
    follow me on Instagram @updowndaps

  8. #8

  9. #9
     
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    wow. it's much better when you have verses centerd.. i might try it some time.. well anyway nice peice hommie. keep up the good work..

    Thank You
    Peace

  10. #10
     
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    keep forgeting to post the damn rating.
    7.5 out of 10

    Good Luck!!

  11. #11
    Rock you in the Face Sir Skiddz SoPhrenic's Avatar
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    This was a fuckin dope ass piece. I loved how you used metaphors describing different types of people in your second verse. Not only that, but the way you produced a different type of imagery was just fucking awesome. Props to this piece, one hell of an interesting read.
    Hence Forward.. BURR!
    [YOUTUBE]seYxVBIsycE[/YOUTUBE]
    Just watch My Back, I got the front.

  12. #12
    catholic schoolgirls rule Sand's Avatar
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    yeah, i kind of expected even more dick riding from this piece ..
    cuz it's one that i actually like that i wrote .. that's kinda rare ..
    follow me on Instagram @updowndaps

  13. #13
    I understand, I'm not a moron, I passed Biology, I'm just saying that you shouldn't do a twist, and beat around the bush with your piece.
    <center>Remember Me?

  14. #14
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    Sorry this is closed....Your links arent even Open Mic Links...1 leads to Word Perfect Check In Thread...the other 2 lead to 2 battles...sorry, Closed.

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